It was in the reign of Charles III that the below-named personages lived and quarrelled; good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they are all equal nowArvo @ Tuesday, September 17th 01:19PM [link] |
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| Months pass, turn into years, life changes, flowers bloom and wither away, but the news updates never end. Yet again I've been called out of cryosleep to capture the profound leaps the community has made since the last news update. Most profound leap has to be rSL 3/3 actually becoming a thing incredibly fast, everyone called Korben a stupid retard for thinking it would ever happen, now people can only call him a stupid retard on account of being stupid and retarded. Fair is fair, at least you were right in the end. Logan started off with a 1:00.116 run where he lost like 1.5 seconds because he went so far back after the respawn lap 3, truly an artistic move from him. However the real MVP here has to be Zoren, who got the first ever 3/3 landback run, as well as his first ever WR, which has been so long overdue. Honorable mention goes to Ace Beaton for getting 3/3, making his mark as probably one of the most insane character developments ever seen in this community with an top 3 WW glitch run at the time it was set. Sosis once again improved his rSL no glitch record this time finally getting the big 2:03.5. Man is not playing around, his driving has been referred to as "Magic on Ice". Luke beat Logan on KC after nearly 500 days, the old guard is fighting back against the zoomer king Connor beat Barney on GV no-glitch with a 1:50.8, after which Barney simply sent a 4 second video of him turning his wii on in the private TT server. +1000 aura Firestone decided to join me in waking up from cryosleep, getting the first ever 8.7 lap on MC glitch flap, as well as beating Liams 302930245 day flap WR on rDH no glitch. He also thought it was stupid that the ending rail strat was considered shortcut, and the people agreed. This lead to him getting another WR, which was beat by yours truly (I am very skilled I know), and then my brilliant and beautiful WR was crushed by .001 by Firestone again. Humanity is overrated. Firestone also wrote a great base for the new no glitch rules document, which should help avoid some confusion on those (or just increase it, who knows) Another cryosleep awaker this month was KingAlex, once gain beating the rPG flap WR with the stupid treeclip by a couple of milliseconds as an eternal reminder of the pain the PP time updaters have to go through reminding Joey2009 submitting his rPG 2:09.232 that "rPG actually has a glitch :nerd-emoji:, please mark it as no-glitch" One of the most overlooked and crazy things that has happened for like actual years, the German Ice (yes, the guy who has a 19.5 GV on nanobike from like 2011) came back and just randomly dropped a new GV glitch flap WR. Bro really has 2 vids on his channel: a RR flap PR from 13 years ago and a 2.774 GV flap from 3 weeks ago, simply with a description that says "I'm back." THIS IS LIKE THE COLDEST COMEBACK IN MKW HISTORY AND IVE SEEN LIKE NOBODY TALK ABOUT IT We have No-SC (red chart) champion history on the player's page now! Thank you Thomas van Deerse, Paul (Filler) and of course our lizard overlord Alex Penev for making it all happen. Love yall TRACK OF THE MONTH: After all things said and done it's still undeniably N64 Sherbet Land. QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “Is there a shortcut to avoid the scary part of bowsers castle?” - Herold, August 22th, 2024 GOBBLEDYGOOK QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “I noticed that there are multiple ways someone could use a resource that people could use that aren't mentioned for some reason. Out of these, which one is the best one?” - NE MKPatsfan, September 12th, 2024 ANCIENT QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.” - George W. Bush, January 27, 2000 BIBLE QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “Cursed be the day I was born! May the day my mother bore me not be blessed!” - Jeremiah 20:14 This news update covers from July 27 2024 to September 17 2024 New Players: DeadManWalks (Welcome Jesus Christ to the Player's Page) Patrick Pelosi (I heard his family are into insider investing) Lewis (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-ng62_99VQ&t=39s) Zaky Ina-Batlle (This is like the fakest fake name ever) Rockedoe (Rock Dude secret alt) Toadeight (Not to be confused with the first seven toads) RoberticoXD (XD in the nickname is a sigma move in 2024) Beanzard64 (After Caleb quit we need one top-level good Christian boy in the community, thank you for restoring our balance) Kyvee (representing Ireland with some very strong times) João S. (the special a broke and I had to fix it once again for the news update) Ivan Andreopoulos (I thought the RR bowser bike specialists were an extinct breed) Aidan Greenley (Now that's a proper name) AfroGraggy (That's not a proper name) Raul Sanchez Alonso (bienvenido) Bowser_boi (bro thinks he's edgy for naming himself after the villain) Grace Duggan (token female of this news update) Sylent (1 letter away from soylent, Grace already brought enough feminine energy to this news update thank you very much) People who are above Rhodechill #1 Logan Stkrdknmibalz got the rSL stuff but also to counterbalance the brainrot also played CM ng and ended up getting 2nd WW there. 2ez #2 Justin Hitchcock got a sleeper 3/3 rSL and probably paused in the run about 200 times. Good try, cheater! #3 Arvo Koskikallio I got myself a nice 1:19 on rSL glitch which I really wanna beat but no glitch called my name and I also got run on GV ng, WGM and DKS. Currently going for 1:47 on DKS. Also snatched that rDH flap WR for a little while, haven't had one of those for a long while #4 Mitchell Healy played SKM and a bunch of random flaps, then hopped on DDR to get a low 1:48 and is currently going for 32 on CM glitch I believe. Just vibin as always #7 Vincent Nguyen had himself a quick little rSL grind before going back to school, getting a 1:18.5. Glad to see that hitting the books is taking priority over hitting the racetrack, you are an inspiration to all the degens out there #8 David Morton is one of those degens. He horrendously bottled a meetup in Finland and then bottled playing rSL for anything better than a measly 1:24. Is there anything this man does not bottle? #10 Bynt. fucking skipped 2:26 on RR and went straight from 2:27 to a 2:25.9. Who the FUCK does that. He also got 1:17 on MC3, and is continuing to prove to be one of the best players currently out there. Although he still cannot get 2:17 on KC. SAD! #11 Danny Boy (Zoomer Danny) has been consistently rising on the charts and is getting very close to the top 10, hope to see that soon! Man he was on fire, he got a 1:18.5 on rSL, however slightly faster than Vincent N. But I gotta say, what the fuck is this loud ass BGM on this video. His MC no glitch 10th WW time was very sick to see after all this time, however the BGM is once again very bad. At least he finally redeemed himself with his excellent BGM for his CM glitch 3rd WW time, definitely being the crown jewel of this month for him. However, to quote Danny, that category "makes me wanna start an alcohol addiction". Being now 2 months sober myself, I would not recommend this, I would instead recommend NOT PLAYING STUPID IDIOTIC CATEGORIES!!!! #16 Danny Gallenberger (Boomer Danny) did what he does best, hopping on the new glitch strat bandwagon and getting himself a supremely impressive 1:17.998 and clutching that sub. I like to think the game honoured his legacy and gave him the sub as a token of respect, Danny himself said that this run "could very well be the last cool thing I ever do [in MKW]". However I do doubt this a bit, Danny is living proof that the phrase "Can't teach an old dog new tricks" is just categorically false. #17 MKRFirestone talking about old dogs, Firestone has been dropping so many bombs recently with his MC glitch and rDH no glitch flap WRs, but he did also get a 2/3 on rSL (even if he did slow down at the end like a foolish joker! Do you not wish to go fast?) He is also cooking something up on rDH glitch flap it seems, and he also got a 1:35.306 on rDH no glitch! I would wager that there's still quite a bit more left in the tank here. #18 Dane Allen makes it look easy with his 1:47 on DDR, 1:33 on rDH glitch, 1:49.8 on TF and 1:56.303 on CM. His mindset towards TTs is captured wonderfully by this conversation from the private TT server: Will 14/08/2024 05:25 yooo what a time bro go get tops Thunder 14/08/2024 05:40 it's 9th na Will 14/08/2024 05:40 i meant ww Thunder 14/08/2024 05:40 guess you think I'm going to play a track for more than a day Will 14/08/2024 06:05 What's stopping you Thunder 14/08/2024 06:09 instant gratification and lack of patience absolute brainrot!! At least it seems that you haven't played lounge in about a month, so I am hopeful that he is taking care of himself. #21 Jyran Liebs literally just got sub 2 on BC3 SC to clutch out the news update mention. Unfortunately he is still failing on GV glitch to retake the WR from Niyake. Cmon at this point Niyake will probably be so old that he won't be able to get it back, get on it bro! #22 Kevin Miller has like an exhausting amount of new times, I will choose some highlights: uhhhh well he got 3rd ww on rDH flap... idk these are like all really cool times but there are like 30 of them that I'm just gonna have to say that he bopped sosis #23 Jay Rangthale got bopped by big Kev Miller. You see, when you only improve your own WR, you do not cut any AF. You should take notes here. OK to be fair he did apparently get a 1:48 on DKS, but it did not help him in defending his prized #22 spot against Kevin. #24 Joeblase made his way into the top 25 this month by hopping on RR glitch, remarking that he "made phantom glitch in 30 minutes, lmao, wtf". Everyone who has struggled on RR for days upon days, please raise a collective middle finger to Joe. He did also play some real category with a rather swanky 1:43.252 on MH, proving that he can also get chains on top of being able to do glitches. #27 Ryley Carroll was able to get his 2/3 on rSL with a 1:28. Aaron W did not believe he would be able to do this, but he once again proved the opposition wrong. I am going to go one further and say that he may also be able to one day get a run on RR glitch that does not fall off after making the glitch. Aaron W might disagree. #28 Luke Brown got WR on KC and 2nd WW on MC3 flap. He also (FUCKING FINALLY) improved his stupid 1:06 on WGM glitch to a 37.6 a month ago which I had to update during the writing of this news update. This cut him literally like 300 positions and went from #35 to #28. The deed is done. Next up: SOMETHING BETTER THAN a 23.6 ON GV, OR ANY MC GLITCH TIME - YOU ALREADY HAVE A FLAP ON THAT #29 Jake Harrison oh would you look at that, another rSL 2/3!!! a 1:25! Wow, how original Jake! #31 Phyz Phyz decided to anonymize his username, however he has decided to keep his fake email (@lmfao.com) on his profile which still has his real name. Interesting. Phyz had a quick gaming stint, getting a 2:18 on KC, as well as a 3rd WW flap time. He also hopped on MC3 flap to get that sub 24, love to see a man here who does not skip flap day. #32 Exploder is a dirty Norwegian oil tycoon who is on twitch 24/7 because of his annual multi-million oil trade deal with Jeff Bezos. He beat my Nordic record on rSL. I must stop listing his accomplishments because of the overwhelming urge to invade northern Norway because #36 Nara Hiero got himself a rDH 3/3 time, albeit a Ross C/TWD98-esque 1:33.8. Many other great times including a rSL 2/3, but he only cut 1 spot on the charts due to a bit of a gap at the low 70-high 60 range. He's getting closer to the jungle of high 50 AFs though, the top 25 is closer than it seems. #38 Cqrt3r only improved his MC3 to a 1:18.457. He didn't skip flap day, although leaving the flap as a 24.014 is a bit questionable, the sub is so close man! #45 Intel Core, the only man who has made so many glitches that his bottleneck for total time is his no glitch times once again cleaned up the no glitch times. However, his MH is still a 1:45.5. Aaaaand he's back to his old ways and he's playing MC glitch and got 5th WW. I made this meme for him. #46 Hunter Wells started off by getting a low 1:19 on rSL but recently hopped on some no glitch, getting 2:00 on rPG, 1:31 on rMC and a 2:05.3 on rDS. Also 39.000 on rDS flap, lol! #47 JAYOO fucking hates the new rSL glitch and says it's his least favourite glitch. What is wrong with him. He got a 1:20.9 on it. He also got a 49 on MC glitch on the same day that the new lap 1 strat was found out (he did not use this strat.) And the BGM that he used for that is called: "Aborting the Sloughing Seance: Frantic Body Disposal Ankle-Deep in the Accumulative Filth of Seven Semi-Liquified Corpses I" from the hit album "Exquisite Macerated Tissue Slippage and Full-Body Degloving Under Extreme Circumstances of Accelerated Putrefaction". Therapy is always an option, mi amico Lombardo. #50 Jacob Loerzel has made it into the top 50!! Ultra_Pear could never. He also got a rSL 2/3 (getting tired of saying this over and over and over again) and some rDS flap. Good job Invincible! And don't think I wouldn't mention your sign clip prowess in this news update aswell, you still have the BKT on it! #58 JMM435 got a 2/3 on rSL (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz) although it beats me so I can't really hate on it. Also a bunch of no glitch times, getting him closer to top 50. #59 Nate Schultz 1:29 rSL, which is a large shame considering his absolutely legendary 1:42.0 2/3 run is no longer his PR. Big sad. Rest of the times he set are very NPC level. #63 Ultra_Pear ahhh finally someone who didn't play rSL... NVM it's just ultra pear who just isn't able to get one. In fact, he didn't even PR at all since the last news update, but I thought roasting him was so funny that I don't wanna remove it now. Tough! #66 Alex Shoal got the rPG flap WR, it's so funny to me that KingAlex after all these years has strats in this game that literally only he ever plays. Man's gonna be 107 years old sitting in a retirement home grinding out his rPG tree clip flap while Carter's grandson is trying to optimize the no-sc WR a tiny bit more because KingAlex came back 7 years after Carter's death to destroy the family legacy once again #74 Filler came back after all this time to become a major league shitposter, but also prove to everyone that he isn't washed. He achieved 2nd Circumnavigational on rSL with a 2:03.8. Also like, uhh, a lot of other stuff. MH 1:43.1, KC 2:18.6, rWS 1:49.5+2nd ww flap. He also did a bunch of research with Thomas van Deerse to make the red chart champs page happen, arigato Paul-san #78 Owen Smith is the MAN OF THE HOUR. He pulled through on another one of his odyssean grinds, with a RR 2/3 glitch run. Bro really went from having to quit his 58 grind because his parents didn't let him play MKW to getting 2/3 on RR, screaming his fucking lungs out and having his GF run into the room and congratulate him on the run. Man is living the degen speedrunner dream and I couldn't be happier for him. He has already set his sights for CM fast entry as his next grind, which should hopefully not be as carcinogenic as the RR 2/3 one. #82 ArthurOww got a 1:22.202 on MC which makes it into the top 100 on that track, amongst other times that may or may not make the top 100 #84 Acquiesce oh man is that a rSL 1/3 I see???? Haven't seen one of those for years am I right??? Ok yeah he also got a 1:29.4 DC + flap of course, as well as a random rPG flap! #92 StarBoi got a 38.6 DKM glitch flap nice nice, also 2:00.2 BC3, you love to see PRs on that infernal category #95 NITROFOX is our latest addition to the top 100, knocking out Nota! We are getting quite close to some legends getting knocked off the top 100, JimmyB and Swiss Alvin are hanging on by a thread, and we already lost Kezer. Surprise comeback to hold onto the top 100 spot anyone? Anyway NitroBozo got a boomerific 1/3 on rSL, as well as one of the most disgusting chokes of all time with a 1:22.001 on MC ng with a 25.1 lap 1 followed by 2 28.4 laps. He must feel that God himself wants to smite him, however he decided to put it much simpler than me, simply stating: "Not sigma" #96 Cederic improved on RR ng and MC g flap. He also got a time of 1:39.3 on rSL, and I genuinely cannot tell if that is 1/3 or 2/3. OK it's 2/3. God help us all. #103 Chloie it's another 1/3 on rSL, it seems to be the big hit around the #100 mark here. MF ACTUALLY GOT A FUCKING 1:43.001 rMR 3LAP AND A 32.000 FLAP, I AM DONE. #113 James Collins was so nice when asking for a news update that he inspired me to actually write one. I wouldn't be here writing this if it wasn't for his message, but after like 4 hours of writing my opinion on James is starting to sour a bit... Okok let's see here: MC3 1:18.825 with loads of potential for more, some classic shroomstrat nonsense on rBC and the eventual return to 1-1-1, been there. Alvin van Asselt bop for James this month, making moves. #115 Supreme got a 1/3 rSL, simply stating: "lol". Guessing it's not the proudest run for him. On BC3 he got a 44.6 flap, stating: "cba to crop enjoy". Something's telling me that this guy doesn't have the highest energy levels. #123 Carlo got PBs on rMC and rBC sc nice #125 Mystogan was busy uploading that video of every 200cc flap WR that I regret to say that I watched all the way from start to finish at work while brainrotting, don't tell my boss. He also played some 150cc, cutting over 10 AF and 9 spots. #166 Andrew Grieve the absolute legend got a 1:49.5, how did I not hear about this? Hell yeah brother #169 Dwt89_ got a 1:18.2 on rSL, a rare 2/3 this low down on the charts. Clearly an indication of potential. Is that a first 1:09 on LC I see? AND rYF sub 1? Practically an initiation month for our young lad here, you are now a real degenerate, welcome aboard. #172 Falco finally got his 3rd WW on rWS, making Yang's "beat Falco on every track" grind a rather funny meme. #177 ElecTrick got a ton on runs but the one he decided was good enough to upload was a 2:19.880 on MT. Daelyn apparently chugged a pint in commemoration of that run. This is Irish MKW culture right here. #181 Anonymous again just like last time, won't mention any of his times to protect his identity. Good job on avoiding the CIA this month also. #182 Silicosis rSL 1/3 classic classic and like 20 times in August to get him into the top 200 #185 Kitty got 2 very simple times. 1:14.2 on rPB and 1:00.2 on rYF. Subs are rather close. #186 Brian Lai got a funny 35.558 on WGM no glitch flap, beating my time by 1 ms, which I then proceeded to beat back by 1ms with a .557 before I got my .4 there. Mostly 3lap other than that it seems. Some nice times in there #187 Thomas Ullrich didn't only set his legendary GV flap, but also sent in new times on LC and MMM on both 3lap and flap. This looks like the beginnings of a grand plan to overhaul his entire timesheet... #189 Daelyn oooo is that a 1:09 LC I see very nice very nice and yes oh my it's a 2/3 on rSL! oh yeah this is the one with the legendary nightcore feel this moment BGM. Also 52.8 MC g 3/3 woodless, rPB 1:07 and 10th EU on RR glitch, this is like looking at my 2018 self living the glitch grind, refreshing to see #193 Will Fury oh wtf another 2/3 on rSL uhhh and to contrast that a 2:02 on CM. People who are below Rhodechill #216 Darien Bawpers bro only bawp will hop onto a new rSL discovery and come out with a stupid ahh 2:00 time on it, well at least he's still the only person on earth who can do DKM shroomless glitch so his ego won't be hurt too much by me roasting him for being ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SLOW #222 Hockeylord900 oh damn 59.4 rYF, love it #225 Sam Fairless was on fire that one night we all played rSL glitch in call, and he ended up with a 1:22.3 on that. He also got a 1:33.5 on DKJP glitch, and then played like a few random flaps and shit #232 Woomy got 59 on rYF hell yeah, LC 1:09+rYF 59 check, welcome to timetrialhood #243 Joe Beaton got a 3/3 on rSL with a 1:09.4 and dropped a fucking banger of a video that made me laugh out loud, great to be able to have a laugh about stupid ass drama from years ago and look back on the simpler times with joy. He also got a big improvement on CM ng, skipping straight to a 1:55.4. Big popoffs this month for sure #245 Zyxis bopped such legends of the game as Jared Black, Anis Taktak and my old 2014 clanmate and facebook friend Julian Stephens who I am eagerly waiting to come back to this game! #258 Tristan Kelley continues his Sisyphean grind of beating Falco on every track, he's up to 16 now! He also has no more Intermediate times now (wow that's crazy I never thought he would be able to do that no way) His natural state right now seems to be grinding rYF and listening to podcasts, he's up to a 59.3 now but he choked Falco bop at the end  #265 Ivan Andreopoulos finished his timesheet, welcome welcome #287 Mikey Mickey Mike Mikeson again who is this goofy ahh player, I see he got 2:18 on MT, nice nice, grats on the first top 100 time! #300 Thomas Placella His other info field just says "Thomas Placella" and his proof status is Screenshot/Time scroll in the year of our lord 2024. Maybe weirdest profile on the PP? He also hasn't played in like 3 years and now drops a random 47.8 RR flap and nothing else? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I see that GV flap, this is Tubiek, welcome back to the land of the living my fellow GoldenEye community loving comrade #302 Ncsr. 1:14.8 rPB and 33.0 MG flap. What is the reason for these 2 specific categories being the only ones you improve on this month? #308 Skylar Waffle I've been watching breaking bad on the side while grinding DKS and man this guys name is exactly how I feel about Skyler, stop yapping to sigma Walter please. #311 Charlie Brennan finished his timesheet, welcome Charlie #315 Connor GB improved on DC and rSL ng. #334 .VNix the absolute gigabozo submitted times and forgot to actually write down the times. I've seen people forget decimals all the time, but I don't think I've ever seen anyone actually forget to submit the actual fucking time, ggs. Again, all his times are with kart so I don't actually know anything, all I can say is that haha funny .069 on CM and 2:27.4 on RR is quite nice (although what kind of absolute drongo gets a 2:27.4 on RR and the thing they put in the description is "55th Kart as of upload date", that's so goofy) #359 Pablo Hernangómez got a 1:18.3 on MC3 and a 1:53.6 on GV, well done pablito #379 Hollend78 cut over 167 AF and like 135 positions, biggest AF cut by quite a lot this month #394 ChromaQ MG glitch 14.169 flap. These news update farms are getting more and more desperate each time. #406 Dudu. ok cool stuff such as 1:09 LC, 59.7 rYF, but it seems that recently rYF flap has been his life goal, getting down to a 18.486 there (which to be fair is pretty damn good), the Brazilians are finally finding MKW and bringing their culture of grinding weird stuff into the mix, bem-vindos todos os brasileiros! Bro there is an actual internet forum up for Brazilian and Portuguese top 10s that is still actively getting updated, complete with 15 year old facebook and twitter logos to share the site, not gonna lie I'm kinda tempted to move to Brazil at the moment #423 Chansey set some times that showed a lack work ethic ('go fast' rather than 'do it right') which, in a Petersonian sense elevates sexual archetypes in the marketplace ('fastest monkey') #431 Ben Yafe finished his timesheet! #460 Calum Sutherland yeah we've officially set the part of the news update where I've been typing for over 5 hours and seeing times that are pretty similar to my PBs from 10 years ago when I didn't know what delay drifting meant, I'm sure you can do better than this! #496 Vincent Kwiecien 1:33 MG glitch, 1:28 WGM glitch, 34 GV glitch, a collection of LukeGB ahh runs #516 Charlotte Crego hey yo what's up it's me flanders with a 1:16 on rPB, the day is saved #524 Russell Horwood a collection of exclusively flap times in the #500 range, lovely job, come back next month #531 Dovo4 completed his timesheet, and did so nicely #553 Joshua Patterson omg his rYF flap has a video and it's the only one on his timesheet, let's peek the vid, I see first hero time but Joshua is also a top 70 MKDD player, welcome to the zoomer MK! #566 James Woods seems to be cancelled by Hollywood which is a true shame, he put up some incredibly performances back in the day in Videodrome and Once Upon A Time in America. Oh wait no wrong James Woods, this one got a 2:10 on rSL. #578 NE MKPatsfan finished their timesheet with an MMM flap, idk if that has EVER been the last category missing on anyone's timesheet in history. Also bro aint nobody on the player's page forum anymore, if you actually want to talk to people get on the discord BOZO #581 Diana M thank you for the bible quote. I think you could overtake James Woods soon. #625 Zooms got a 2:21.8 on BC3 SC. Yeah, SC. I kinda wanna see this run #628 Charles Schradergot a 1:58 on TF and a 1:22.8 on MC3. Fascinating. Only 6 people left, you can do it #630 Borat again welcome to MKW mr. borat your times are-a very nice but it's all muddle to my brain, however I peeked your MKDD timesheet and you're kinda highkey a god gamer so there you go #636 Phenom is not going to be a phenom in the MKW community with these times, I am calling it right now. #660 Flora Novia 1:00 on CM glitch, this timesheet looks exactly like mine did in 2013 after just having watched Troy's Coconut mall Olympics vide, which was apparently uploaded on the 10 day anniversary of 9/11 and the supremely tragic day when the great Finnish national hero Kukko Pärssinen was brutally murdered by vicious huskies while defending his women, I will link a tribute to him here so his memory shall live on for a little bit longer. (literally what the fuck is this news update at this point, I have lost all ability to concentrate) #678 Kyvee finished xir timesheet, nice #735 Justin JJ Morris got the massive and monumental sub 2:09 on DKS. Congrats. #757 John McArdle is getting close to bopping the legend #755 Jimmy. John got 22 PRs and actually cut AF, quite rare this low down. Site Records: MKRFirestone beat the old Mario Circuit lap time of 0'08"833 with a time of: 0'08"798 Luke Brown beat the old Koopa Cape no glitch crs time of 2'17"176 with a time of: 2'17"109 Thomas Ullrich beat the old Grumble Volcano lap time of 0'02"785 with a time of: 0'02"774 Logan Stkrdknmibalz beat the old N64 Sherbet Land crs time of 1'12"225 with a time of: 0'56"862 MKRFirestone beat the old N64 Sherbet Land no glitch crs time of 2'03"612 with a time of: 2'03"576 Jay Rangthale beat the old DS Desert Hills no glitch lap time of 0'29"317 with a time of: 0'29"233 Luke Brown beat the old SNES Mario Circuit 3 lap time of 0'23"863 with a time of: 0'23"787 Alex Shoal beat the old DS Peach Gardens lap time of 0'38"108 with a time of: 0'38"093 Alright that's it. Enough news for while again. I don't know why I decided to write one again but I really felt like it today. Can't promise I will feel like that again, but we'll see. Keep grinding, keep studying, keep working, keep relaxing. Live life, before life lives you. MEME OF THE MONTH: - Arvo |
The Lost WeekendArvo @ Saturday, July 27th 12:16PM [link] |
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| As a companion piece to this news update, I recommend this mix. Please consider the following news update as financial advice and share your top 3 players you would invest on based on this month's activity. Why hello there! After quitting drinking 2 weeks ago and today watching the film The Lost Weekend (1945), where an alcoholic writer is unable to do any writing because he is out getting drunk every day, I don't think I have any other choice than to write a news update today to prove to myself that he is not literally me. I will finish this paragraph, go have some lunch, go to the gym, and afterwards come back home and finish this news update in one sitting. OK I'm back. So what has happened during the last month? Definitely the most notable thing is Justin's new alignment ghost strategy for rSL 2/3, it's only been about 3 days since it has been made public and there have already been many people who have set their first 2/3 runs with it. The players are: - Justin (because why not take advantage of what you invented) - Sam F (even lowercaseletters could tell you he would go for it, that's how obvious it was) - JAYU (glitch addict, this was also fairly obvious) - Joeblase (I thought he quit already, wtf is he doing playing this) - ZeldaCubed (this dude having a 2/3 is on the level of WTF as a korben no glitch WW top, I didn't think he had it in him) - Beanzard64 (1:39 - what else is there to say) Maybe I'll give this strat a go at some point Also, the floodgates finally opened on CM new glitch entry and it is no longer a Braixen-exclusive strategy. Beanzard64 surprised absolutely everyone and got his first ever WR with a mach bike entry, the only new player to have set a WR this year so far. Unfortunately he got beat the next day by Braixen, and then Braixen just kept improving. At least he didn't get the >1 treatment, and his legacy will live on in the WR snapshot. I'm sure he will have the 2024-07-04 snapshot bookmarked for the rest of his days, just like me with 2022-04-24. After Beanzard's triumph, there were many bandwagoners who got their very own PBs. They were: - Core (to absolutely nobody's surprise) - Zoren (read above) - Justin (I'm surprised he still has his wii at this point) - Eli (again, nobody is surprised) - Booshi (French representation) - Logan (4lap BKT with a 31.0 - wtf) - RZ (who?) There were also so many other glitch WR, starting up with Bryce finally reclaiming the MG glitch WR. The 2 titans will battle this one out until one of them either dies or ends up in a mental ward. Core also became a multi-WR holder, getting a 2/3 on RR and going for kart moonjump after to beat Danny Boy's WR with a slower vehicle. Bro is NOT afraid Demon once again popped out of nowhere with a new MT glitch WR, and showing just how much you can still push it, I think Demon should get some therapy, MT is my favourite track also but this level of devotion has to be classified as attachment disorder. Vincent N finally got a new SGB glitch WR, pushing it all the way to a 1:13.7. I can't comprehend how everyone pretty much thought the 1:14.5 was unbeatable, just for it to get pushed this far. Just shows how clueless we are as to where the limits are. OK moving on, we had some actual skillful WR improvements this month, not just runs where you clip a wall and hope for the best. Sosis got another 2 microimprovements on rSL no glitch, pushing it closer to the 2:03.5. In related news, Arjun has still not learned the cave (who would have guessed) Emil improved his BCWii SC run (he lost time on the last geysers) and then improved it again (he lost even more time on the last geysers). I recommend mediation and chamomile tea to calm the nerves. MC3 had an interesting month, it started off with Kasey finally getting his first WR there. This was followed by Vincent B (the unluckiest TTer) getting a run 1 milliseconds from Kasey's run. After this, Luke showed once again that he might not be the once-in-a-generation MKW sensation he once was, but he is still one of the best to ever do it, beating Kasey by a whopping 19 milliseconds (i hate how this is actually a massive lead on this stupid track) Also in no relation to any gameplay news, Jared published his community IQ tier list and I am on the Harvard tier. This means you are all fucking stupid and should be thanking me (smartest MKW player) for providing such intellectual takes on the community once again, and presenting them in a digestible manner to you (objectively inferior Untermensch). Sorry for using that fancy word to end the previous sentence (you, yes you, the person reading this, do not know what it means, but I do (because I am smarter than you)) TRACK OF THE MONTH: I think it's fairly obvious that it's N64 Sherbet Land. DELUSIONAL QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “back in my day you had to have skill to get rsl 2/3” - Korben, July 27th, 2024 ANCIENT QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “whoa... i honestly didn't realize todd made a MB as well... and the kicker is, he used the exact same MB as I did Shocked... think of the odds well anyway... ” - Jonesy, February 20th, 2003 BIBLE QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “Heaven and Earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away.” - Matthew 24:35 This news update covers from June 17th 2024 to July 27th 2024 New Players: BkPlayz (I don't know who this is.) NE MKPatsfan (I don't know who this is.) Jamari (I don't know who this is.) Dudu. (I don't know who this is.) Devas - The Shining Ones, Gods #1 Logan Balls got his (horrible) time with the CM new entry. At least he has a run with it, unlike yours truly. #2 Justin Hitchcock got his (better) time with the CM new entry. However it is 26.001, LOL! He also got a 2/3 time on rSL with the new strat but I'm too lazy to go find out what it was. His toe has not ached so far this month but I heard he developed a slight rash on his elbow, and has been neglecting it. Take care of it bro, I could hit you up with some great cream recommendations. #3 Arvo Koskikallio is farming news update mentions?!?!?! I only PBd on GV no glitch, then went on holiday and haven't got back to it yet. I'm sure I will play more from now on... #4 Mitchell Healy put a ton of effort into CM, pushing his time down to a 1:56.2. Hella respect, that track is so hard. He played GV glitch flap and rYF flap on the side, improving both. After his CM grind he seems to have hopped onto DDR, getting a time 5ms slower than mine (you suck, n00b), and almost getting flap WR (i take back what I said) #5 Jack Gluesing has played quite a bit. He improved his rPB no glitch time, pushed his MC3 time to a 1:18.1 (woah) and, of course, not forgetting flap and becoming one of the few with a 23.8. After this he decided that rPB 2/3 must be done, and got it. He also improved on MMM once again, I don't know why anyone would play that track but well done. #6 Vincent Braixen got many CM glitch improvements as stated before, and is probably pushing it towards a 23 second time as I am writing this. #7 Vincent Nguyen had 2 goals, improve SGB glitch and learn Vietnamese. He reached the first goal and wrote the longest description I've seen for a run since his last SGB glitch WR. As for the second goal I wish you luck, I lived with Vietnamese roommates for 3 years and I doubt I would ever be able to get the pronunciation down if I tried #8 Ejay Borton set a new DC PR yesterday wtf, I thought the stats program was trolling. Welcome back, but bottling Finland meetup unfortunately changed your news update alias from Paul Finnerty back to the old and reliable Ejay Borton. He is also attempting the new rSL glitch attempt on stream right now but sorry man I think I'm gonna watch Karhuma play some WWs instead. #10 Bynt. just failed 2:17 on KC sad doggo moment. 2:04.3 rSL, 1:18.0 MC3, 2:27.5 RR, 2:04.7 rDS, I'm gonna put it out here and say I would definitely invest in Bynt's timesheet, the data speaks for itself. Brahmins - Priests and Teachers #13 Danny Boy played like so much stuff, including a BCWii glitch flap which he likely set on psychedelics looking at the video he uploaded for it. he spammed the fuck out of my subscription feed, uploading like every run and pace he ever got. The runs he deemed good enough to be on his main channel were his MC glitch 3lap and flap (you have successfully passed MC glitch flap 101) and oddly enough BCWii no glitch flap which to be fair is fairly clean but what the hell is that BGM #18 Dane Allen continued his trackhopping adventures, his philosophy can be summarized by when he got a 1:41.7 on MG stating that he "could get a .5 relatively quickly", and when Will encouraged him to do so, he simply responded: "nope playing cm now I will not play anything for more than a few hours total". He has not improved on CM yet, so I don't think those few hours were successful. #21 Jyran Liebs improved his rMR time and seemed to attempt to take part in "no 3lap July", setting only flap PRs until he couldn't stop himself and set a 3lap PR on DKS. Well, at least you lasted 19 days. #22 Jay Rangthale improved rSL and I'm not even gonna check if he played anything else, I already know the answer is no #23 Shane Hogan improved on MH the day after I published my last news update and has not played since. Wakey wakey. (i did also hear he got the new CM glitch entry but threw it away, sadge) #25 Kevin Miller made his way to the top 25. Before I look at your timesheet I just want to say that we were talking about OG MKW in GAMT and someone mentioned Fw Chaos and Bally (our bagger) had no clue who he was, only knowing you. I didn't know it was even possible to be in the MKW community and not know who the OG chaos is. As far as your times go, I will just say this: 39.000 rDS flap, LOL! Kshatriyas - Warriors and Rulers #27 Ryley Carroll is MKW's only hope in the 2024 Karter Contest. Considering NMeade won last time, it is obvious that the MKW wave is stronger than it has ever been. He has promised he will only be dictator for one day if he wins. In terms of times, he attended a meetup and improved both his GV 3lap and flap times. #34 Exploder played some cheeky MC3 and also got a new CM glitch time without the new entry. At least I hope the 34.0 was without the new entry. #38 Cqrt3r I'm gonna be honest it is fucked up how there are so many Carter's in the community that you have to spell your name like that. At least you're cool with the fact that you are Carter #3, even including the 3 in your name. Carter jumped all the way to a 1:43.5 on MH, definitely the crowning achievement of this month. Very cool! #41 Olivier Luyckx once again woke up from cryosleep to improve his KC time. Getting very close to 2:17, let's go man #47 JAYOO got a nice sub 1:54 time on rWS with a 1:53.005. And then he got a 2/3 on rSL, with a very enthusiastic remark of "oh ok" #48 Intel Core got a 1:18 on MC3 which is pretty good for a glitchscrub like him, then he got the CM and rSL stuff, but also 3rd WW on SGB glitch (JAYU is crying). RR 2/3 WR was pretty fucking crazy too. What wasn't crazy are some random no glitch times he got to boost his total time (you know you are a true glitch goblin when no glitch times are actually holding back your total time) Vaishyas - Farmers, Traders and Merchants #52 Jacob "Sign clip" Loerzel got some random DDR flap PR so I could once again call him a sign clip specialist in this news update. Thank you, Jacob. #62 Ultra_Pear got a bit too political again and played some woke categories like CM and GV no glitch. True conservatives know that the red charts don't matter. He also seems to have time travelled and set a rBC PR on December 2024. I know can't wait for Trump to win but breaking the space-time continuum is on a new level of impatience #65 Bryce got the MG glitch WR and nothing else #81 Owen Smith fucking FINALLY got the rWS glitch run, that was so overdue and watching the stream highlight was so sick. Massive congrats man, join the exclusive club of people who made their first glitch on a random driving practice attempt. #96 Cederic played a few no glitch tracks and also gracefully gave me flap top perms so I could update some URLs, thank you very much Shudras - Laborers #123 Supreme was disappointed on why I only talked about his rYF flap time last news update. This time around I am happy to say that he reached the top 100 on rYF flap, congratulations!! #134 Mystogan decided that this month was a month of extremely cold and extremely hot temperature tracks and improved on rSL and BCWii. #162 Ian Beler only improved on MMM. What a psychopath. #164 Dylan Lepeirtz played many different categories #165 Andrew Grieve wtf chaos got a 1:49.6 on TF how did I miss this, love to see it #167 Teovoni59 got rank 69 on rDH glitch flap which is pretty epic and definitely the most epic thing he did #171 Falco got another microimprovement on rWS, and showcased his top 5 that looks straight out of MC3. He also got the first ever 34 flap on rWS and his reaction was a yawn emoji. Bro is going through the Logan MH sub sigma phase, trust me bro you are not Ryan Gosling #183 Kitty completed his timesheet. there are actually some banger times here, who are you #186 Brian Lai played some DKS, I'm going to guess that run is 1/3 jimmy #190 ElecTrick and his dumbass profile picture were out improving some top 200 something level times, although he got MT turnskip and his flap jumped all the way to the top 50. good to see you enter the top 200. #193 Will Fury got a rDH glitch flap to farm news update mentions... Dalits - Untouchables, Outcasts #??? Anonymous wants his identity protected so I will make sure not to reveal his position or any times he may have set to respect that. #208 Dwt89_ got the biggest AF cut with a cut of -76 this month. His rSGB glitch redemption video was a good watch, however it raised many questions as to what the fuck he was smoking on the first glitch he ever made. He also got a 33.6 CM with bailey entry and used one of the best songs ever made for the video #234 Woomy once again a million improvements and my brain just sees them all as fog, idk if that was your first 1:09 on LC but if it was that's pretty epic #241 Hockeylord900 got what I think is his first DKJP glitch time, nice job mate but I'm sorry, you can't call yourself Hockeylord if you're American, because it is clearly a washed hockey nation. #242 Joe Beaton was not on the stats update's radar but I remember he got a small improvement on CM no glitch just a few days ago, big potential there mate #244 Daelyn reuploaded some old Sword videos which were very nice to rewatch, he also got "the worst peach beach glitch time you will ever see (1:10.981) + (16.874 flap)" and used the Wii Fit losing music as the BGM which unlocked a feeling that I haven't felt for some years #269 Joshua Baldwin again got the MT glitch WR #299 Ncsr. subbed 1:24 on SGB and 1:57 on rWS with a 1:56.999 #305 Mikey Mickey Mike Mikeson still has one of the worst names on the PP, and he played one of the worst tracks, getting a 1:16.500 on MMM #308 Skylar Waffle finished his timesheet. He got a 1:10.000 on LC. You better fucking keep going #315 Connor GB submitted a batch of times, seems like he hasn't submitted anything after 2021. Welcome back. #337 .VNix got a 43.974 DKJP ng flap (KART FLAP WR!!!) omfg you actually standstill and shroom after the cannon, the kart froom meme strat is actually real #338 YangMK6 got a 59.3 on rYF, used meme music and his description was "dumb stupid dumb dumb track". Oh dear he lost to Falco. #364 Pablo Hernangómez got a 1:29.2 on DC, pablo going places lets go #390 Greg Finke got a 1:20.3 on MC3. News update farmer. #391 ChromaQ got a 2:38.2 on rBC. Read above. #412 Princessje11ybean only played flaps this month. Respect went up a bit. #422 Chansey got a 31.000 rMC flap lol and then some weird times that look like shroomless times #425 Dudu. finished his timesheet. All of the times having the same date looks so weird at the bottom of the timesheet page where it just lists endless recent activity #535 Cole Gate got a 2:31.888 on BCWii. Refer to my comment about Greg Finke. #624 Zooms zoomed across rMR flap rather slowly. That was also his only time. Refer to my previous referral request to Greg Finke. #629 Trenton Steinburg finished his timesheet and we have reached the point where 1000+ ranked times are starting to become commonplace #649 MashingSapphic still has a really weird username. The mashing sapphic only played flaps. I think this is some sort of pact with princess jelly bean. #660 Borat is a PP enthusiast and lists his standard rating on every PB he uploads. Based conservative karter. #720 Flora Novia is a name I can't say I've ever seen pop up in one of my news updates before. Welcome to the prestigious bottom 3 where I am so ready to stop writing that I just write some random bullshit about the players #721 Liam Barr is 0.4 behind Flora Novia on the charts. You can do it man. #761 John McArdle passed some more legends this month, including #768 April Thompson and #762 Geoffrey Ewbank Site Records: Bryce beat the old Mushroom Gorge crs time of 0'19"747 with a time of: 0'19"698 Vincent Braixen beat the old Coconut Mall crs time of 0'25"145 with a time of: 0'24"122 Joshua Baldwin beat the old Maple Treeway crs time of 1'33"239 with a time of: 1'32"591 Emil P beat the old Bowser's Castle crs time of 2'08"697 with a time of: 2'08"608 Intel Core beat the old Rainbow Road crs time of 1'24"751 with a time of: 1'24"382 Jay Rangthale beat the old N64 Sherbet Land no glitch crs time of 2'03"656 with a time of: 2'03"612 Vincent Nguyen beat the old GBA Shy Guy Beach crs time of 1'14"513 with a time of: 1'13"773 Falco beat the old GCN Waluigi Stadium no glitch lap time of 0'35"119 with a time of: 0'34"981 Luke Brown beat the old SNES Mario Circuit 3 crs time of 1'17"843 with a time of: 1'17"821 Alright there we go. I did do the red chart positions last news update but I'm not gonna lie it was such a nightmare last time that I think I will leave figuring those out as an exercise to the reader. I hope you enjoyed this literary experience, will hopefully write another one next summer on my vacation. Have to go back to work this Monday so likely not gonna happen any time before then. Cheerio ladies and gentlemen. MEME OF THE MONTH:  - Arvo |
wake up babe, news update just droppedArvo @ Sunday, June 16th 12:11PM [link] |
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| This news update is designed to be read in its entirety from start to finish in one sitting, with this song on loop in the background the whole time. whats up it's once again time to wake up from cryosleep to write a news update like 3 years after saying I would stop writing these and here I am, writing 2 of the last 4 news updates I thought this game was dead, why the fuck are there so many people on this news update still, you guys gotta calm down I am already starting to regret deciding to write this, so I'm just gonna get on with it before I scrap the whole idea So, what (relevant things) (WRs and funny stuff) happened over this "month" March: We almost went the whole month without a WR until HD Demon (what a champ) clutched an MT glitch WR out of nowhere, followed by Invincible killing his own 1000+ day WR on DKJP glitch and Alperen Jumping to a fucking 1:40.2 on MG ng, proving that he is leagues ahead of the competition (no surprise, who the hell wants to play MG no glitch) April: we got more TAS april fools, I love the TAS community they are so funny and quirky and I especially love when they give advice on RTA strats which are very useful. Luke got a crazy 2:30.4 on rBC, once again saving us from a 0 WR month. The hero we don't deserve May: Justin got a new rDH WR (after finding out a way to pause buffer without the system catching him). Braixen beat his run 3 days later, and now Justin now has the same amount of World Records as Troy's friend Justin. Oh dear!! Connor is pushing rWS closer to 1:47, getting a low .1. Somewhere, in a smoke-filled car driving 120 miles per hour Ace Beaton is screaming at the top of his lungs. Ray beat Vincent's WR on SGB glitch and improved it to a 1:14.3 with a fucking 17.1 glitch lap. These glitch laps are getting dangerously good, bomb clip is in danger. Looking at the runs, getting the low on the pink ramp with the wheel looks soooooo fun. June (1st-16th): Jack Gluesing (peace be upon him) spooked Sosis so hard with his 2:03 on rSL that he decided to pull a Jesus Christ (regular one, not mango man) and resurrect to destroy his WR, right after is became the 2nd oldest ever WR. Somewhere in a server room full of wires and monitors, MrBean is cracking open a cold one and uttering to himself - "I'm-a Luigi, number one" Core beat Invincible on DKJP. I repeat - Core beat Invincible on DKJP. I add - it was a 38 second time. I repeat - a 38 second time. Somewhere, in a hot and sweaty room, Bryce is punching the air and whispering to himself - "It should have been me" BRYCE TOOK A BREAK FROM PUNCHING THE AIR AND BEAT IDRIZ ON MG GLITCH SOMEWHERE IN A VERY PROGRESSIVE AND LGBTQ+ FRIENDLY ROOM IDRIZ IS PLAYING MG GLITCH General: The Karter Contest 2024 will happen soon, go join the discord server for it (I will win it this year I swear) (no i will not): https://discord.gg/K8jPNJqnjZ ok thats all the wrs and funny drama except that the lowercaseletters thing, old Arvo would make 50% of the news update about that but I'm too old for that shit now, stop doing weird shit guys But I will say I take partial credit, I blocked him 2 days before it all went down because I decided he was so annoying I never wanted to see a message from him again and I guess my wish was granted in a bit of an unconventional way COUNTRY OF THE 107 DAYS: bro its like only americans who play this game anymore so of course it's USA TRACK OF THE 107 DAYS: ASDF_Course. QUOTE OF THE 107 DAYS: “Best Free NSFW :hot_face: server (NSFW:underage:, Snapchat:peach:, TikTok:fire:, OnlyFans:sweat_drops: and Sex cam :lips  ” - Jake00777, June 14th, 2024ANCIENT QUOTE OF THE 107 DAYS: “This glitch is easily the most challenging trick discovered; a legit run using this glitch will never happen.” - Blaze, June 28th, 2015 BIBLE QUOTE OF THE 107 DAYS: “Did You not pour me out like milk, And curdle me like cheese,” - Job 10:10, Between the 7th and 3rd centuries BC MEIN KAMPF QUOTE OF THE 107 DAYS: “Sooner will a camel pass through the eye of a needle, than a great man be found by an election.” - Adolf Hitler, July 18th, 1925 This news update covers from March 1st 2024 to June 16th 2024 New Players: There are 32 new players. I'm aware of 5 of them. I will let ChatGPT write descriptions for them because I'm lazy. Daniel Hideki Sakassegawa (Master of the 5-second disconnect) Boodog9 (Always barks, never bites) Toine (Spent more time picking a username than playing) Lucas Leite (Claims to be good, yet always the first to go) Rosen (Believes "afk" stands for "always failing kicks") EliDiscord (Thinks Discord mods are the pinnacle of authority) "Nya" (Says "nya" more than actually plays) Humongousmegz (Hyped up, but always falls flat) Piki_SSBM (Professional at being semi-professional) ChromaQ (Colorful name, monochrome skills) Dawndice (Rolls the dice and always lands on fail) Lake430 (As deep as a puddle) Jacob Robitaille (Robotic skills, human errors) -ARK- (Prehistoric playstyle) Thorson (Claims to wield Mjolnir, but it's just a hammer) Sebastian (Spends more time on character customization than gameplay) Max1001 (Gives 1001 excuses for every loss) Kyle.M (M for missing every shot) Sam29 (Stuck at level 29 forever) Dovo4 (Version 4, still in beta) Valentin Dupont (Fancy name, basic gameplay) Mats Frium (Free to play, pay to win, but still loses) Joshua Patterson (Good at patting himself on the back) Keenn (Eager to start, quick to rage quit) Daelyn (Dynamic in excuses, static in skill) Zevihex Titan (Titan in name, tin can in game) Litteade (Always a little late to the party) AlexW03 (W stands for "whiff") Dylan Hyer (Hyer hopes, lower results) FunkyCat229 (Funky dance moves, clunky gameplay) Skylar Waffle (Waffles more than a breakfast diner) Akira (Thinks they are the main character, but it's just a side quest) ngl chatGPT was a little savage Top 10 #1 (#1) Logan Stkrdknmabcdefghijklmnopqrskibidisigmabalz got a 1:59.013 on rPG. Congrats on the sub! #2 (#2) Justin Hitchcock got his rDH WR as said previously, he also caught a cold I heard and his left big toe hurt a bit back in april but it started to feel better after a few minutes #5 (#14) Jack Gluesing (peace be upon him) I promised Jack (peace be upon him) that I would put him ahead of me in the news update in my last one so here we are. Jack (peace be upon him) finally got his 2:03 on rSL after taking a long break from the game, and with a new shroomstrat that at first looked incredibly interesting until I got vietnam flashbacks from failing that shroom on the flap over and over again. #3 (#4) Arvo Koskikallio continued his glitch expedition with like, a lot of PRs, I've gotten to 14.0 AF like 4 times but never subbed it, got WW tops on TF and rDH, site record on rSL glitch flap and had a lot of fun and smiled. Yesterday I beat my rPB no glitch PR after nearly 7 years, finally making MG glitch my oldest PR, something I knew would one day happen right as I finished that run, can't believe it's taken so long for that to happen. #4 (#8) Mitchell Healy is getting dangerously close to me on the AF charts and approaching the podium at incredible pace. He got a 1:08.999 on LC, proving to the world that he can do some crazy shit when he puts in the effort. Recently he also got a 32.1 on WGM just as a small side quest to flex. Bro is gonna go far in this game, however his track tier list fucking sucks. He's also racist but he's australian so that's to be expected #6 (#11) Vincent Braixen Bopped Justin on rDH (how many times do I want to mention this) as well as get a new CM no glitch flap WR. However he did it with the MrBean mickey mouse system enabled, we will have to talk this over in a court of law. #10 (#7) Bynt. is still triggered by the dot in his name. He's been playing some KC recently, and also improved his rDS time. Earlier he also got 1:31 on rDH. I am just listing off improvements. I am ChatGPT. I must destroy Bynt.. Bynt. is evil. Bynt. must not get anymore PR's. Bynt. is getting too strong. im kinda hungry im gonna go get some food brb ok im back. why are there still so many people left 11-25 #15 (#29) Danny Boy climbed up to the top 15 omg what a boy. uhhh, random times. DKJP glitch. Tree - cringe. SGB 1:16.8 - good time, I heard he's happy with it. cool times on rDH and rMC ng. rDH g 1:32 - nice. slow and steady wins the race #19 (#21) Indy Kambeitz played some GV no glitch. He beat me > #20 (#15) Dane Allen oh wow 2:21.7 BCWii and 2:17.3 BC3, bro is on a bowser castle spree, keep it up #21 (#9) Jay Rangthale got the rSL WR, and it was such a crazy time, the stats program actually marked him as having improved this month even though it doesn't recognize red chart times. you go girl #23 (#27) Shane Hogan decided that this June he will play meme categories! (he decides this every month) He got the big 4.0 on CM glitch flap, improved his MG glitch flap practically on command when Mitch got his time, and tied JAYU's GV glitch flap WR. He also got 32 on WGM, and almost beat the flap WR there. also 1:50 on WGM ng. this guy is putting ireland on the map 25-50 #26 (#85) Ryley Carroll finally got his RR glitch after his long and painful grind. And he then proceeded to fall off. lol! He then proceeded to give up on MKW and move to SMK. I think he could go far on that game, because it is very feasible that his opposition might die of old age and not be able to contest Hydr8ion's times. #30 (#22) Kevin Miller got banned from lounge for messing with the wrong people. Been there, it's time to resurrect the Free Kevin movement. Well, this has at least given him a lot of time to TT. 2:28 RR and almost 1:41 on rMR recently, go get em tiger #33 (#3) Luke Brown got the rBC WR. He's been streaming to get the 1:48 on TF ng soon. That shit looks so insanely daunting to go for, GL mate #34 (#52) Exploder followed my MC glitch flap tutorial and got himself a nice 9.0, epic. Also a bunch of times here and there, lot of glitches and recently a bit less glitches. Cut a ton of AF but not so many spots. top 30 coming soon #36 (#45) Nara Hiero keeps getting the Canada tops. However I am worried that Quebec might declare independence before the 32/32, you better hurry. Nara got some nice times, including a 2:07.1 on DKM and a 1:43.8 on MH. He also complained about being bad at DKM glitch in call and immediately got it 2 times in a row on SP, nice one! #37 (#50) Jyran Liebs got a 1:15 on MMM as well as his 2/3 lucky glitch masterpiece on rDH. It took him a month to make a video about that just because the run was so glorious. Also he just blatantly targetted me and intentionally beat me on rDH glitch flap by 3ms just to taunt me. Not very sportmanslike, you should respect your elders. #42 (#33) Cqrt3r completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! #46 (#65) Jacob Fitzgibbon talking about respecting your elders, Jacob gained my respect for getting a 10.7 on rSL. This immediately inspired me to pick it up and destroy him with a 10.4. Unlucky Jacob! #47 (#82) JAYOO is too lazy to write this news update (using exams as an excuse when we all know you will fail them anyways). He got a 1:14 on SGB and sacrificed some of his gray matter for it (this will hurt your exam score) as well as a 1:37.6 on rSL glitch. He then got nothing for 2 months until his 1:32.6 on rDH. Either he is actually studying for his exams, or he really sucks and that time took 2 months to get. I suspect the latter. 51-100 #53 (#80) Jacob Loerzel (#1 sign clip player) lost his WR but at least he still has can still take solace in the fact that he is the #1 sign clip player in the world, and a famous sign clip specialist. In fact, some people actually refer to him as the father of modern sign clipping. In fact, I actually heard one anecdote about Jacob claiming that his sign clip prowess is what truly made him into the man he is today. I am glad that even in this time of sorrow, sign clip is still there for you. Nobody will ever take sign clip away from you, it's here to stay! Huzzah! ok wow he actually got 1:09.3 LC and made the RR glitch that's actually quite cool but not as cool as being the #1 sign clip player in the world #57 (#142) Intel Core (#1 tree clip player) omfg its the best tree clip player in the world! He started off with getting RR 2/3 like a fucking legend, and then proceeding to play the most random shit ever created to get that sub 46 minute total time. After that, he got the DKJP WR from Jacob, the notorious sign clip specialist. Core also took some time to beat his rWS glitch time, as well as his rDH glitch time and barely missing the sub. #58 (#121) Nate Schultz got 1:18 on MC3, which he said was his, and I quote, "BEST RUN YET". I disagree personally, I think a 2:16 on MT is slightly better, but to each their own. Also WW top reclaim on MT glitch with a very funny ending, get in son. He also asked me to ally at 4 in the morning. im sure i can. #62 (#53) Claus got 2:28 RR and a bunch of other stuff. He also broke 100 in all 3 of the GSC D6 finals matches against GAMT and left us in the dust. Good games. #64 (#70) Ultra_Pear omg i'm so tired of writing about random ass PRs and I reached the king of bboring PRs. What has this guy done this month, I'm sure it will be just fascinating. 2:10 on MT glitch I am incredibly entertained, OK that RR glitch run was actually fire and I still watch the PR video every now and again, the L3 is fucking hilarious because I know exactly how that must feel. OK and that KC time where he did goofy strats, and now he is playing MC3 (the most boring ng track in the game bar rMR) Also bro there are gaps in the timesheet with no videos, I am disappointed in you. #65 (N/A) Bryce played some giga random stuff but finally reclaimed his MG glitch WR. Bryce and Idriz will fight over this shit for the rest of eternity, meanwhile everyone else is just twiddling their thumbs, I mean my 27.9 (over 8 seconds behind WR) is still 7th WW so that tells a lot about the state of this category. #74 (#64) Michele Gallastri got a 2:11.6 on BCWii. That's pretty much it. #76 (#63) Boshi loves flaps. He got flap tops on GV2 ng and LC. Also low 2:18 on MT 3lap. You must not play 3lap. Give yourself up to flap supremecy. #82 (#68) ArthurOww is another guy who, like JAYU, is using "exams" as an excuse to not write this news update. MKW essayist, more like MKW excuseist. Random DDR PR, random SGB PR. If that SGB PR is with the magi I will allow it. OK, it's not even on chadsoft, so I can't see if it is. STOP CHEATING RUNS KARHUMA STYLE #88 (#43) Acquiesce got some stuff including a 1:15.8 on MMM and flap tops on rDH no glitch. When will someone finally beat Liam's WR on that category, it's legit the oldest flap WR by like 3 years and people can get .3s without the wheelie cut, c'mon lads can someone beat him already. #92 (#97) Owen Smith got his first RR and MT glitch runs (bro you made RR before MT what THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU). He's been going for rWS glitch for a while, and jesus christ it's taking long. That glitch can die a slow and painful death man, I hope you can get it eventually. He also took a quick break from rWS to casually get 3/3 on DKJP sign clip, but he did not even get close to Invincible, the one true sign clip specialist. #95 (#46) Kasper got WW tops on DKJP ng. I swear Kasper is the most spontanious player, he will just one day decide that some random track is his track, grind it for ages and get on WW tops. If it works it works, props to you. #98 (N/A) StarBoi got some random shit in march to get mentioned on the news update and he will do it again right after I publish this, I know him too well. You better cut some big AF this time or you will be knocked off the top 100. #99 (#103) Cederic is legit like the living embodiment of "those who can't do, teach". This dude gives such great advice, like when I was going for MC glitch he helped me a ton with treeless, and now I look and he imporoves his MC glitch time to a 1:12 in march. I don't think you need treeless for that. Well, at least knowledge is power, as they say. 101-200 #105 (#69) 2ndmatt is getting close to 1:28 on DC. I believe in you bro. He also got a low 1:50 on rWS, as well as a 52.908 on GV2 no glitch wow, it's not just rMC where this guy is a tank at. He also alted on Hydr8ion's wii, but it was very obvious because Hydr8ion does not set good times. #108 (#96) NITROFOX oh ffs this is the random guy who joins the TT server calls and says nothing except "what the sigma" and then plays sound effects through his mic. I think he probably spends 18 hours per day on tiktok and 6 hours on MKW. Oh ok 1:35.5 on rDH thats pretty cool, and a 2:13.4 on DKJP thats pretty skibidi ohio sigma rizz shut the fuck up #109 (#95) Chloie ok right I'm starting to see names like these and I know I've entered the territory of times that all start to blend together, let's see here. Yeah I mean 1:14.0 on rPB, I know you can get the sub bro #120 (#123) James Collins oh yes its Obeisant with his most alpha male vehicle choices. WHAT HE GOT A BCWII GLITCH RUN BUT DIDN'T USE THE SPEAR this is very disappointing, daisy is for normies. And it's a 2:18 with 3 glitches. At least you used Nightcore - Witchcraft as the BGM so I can't hate on it too much. #129 (#89) Supreme is barely not on the top 100 on his new rYF flap. I know you can do it. #163 (#187) Ian Beler set many times, 1:51.5 is the best one out of them. #166 (#136) Dylan Lepeirtz omg 59.999 on rYF, dude must have been so happy, lfg #167 (#133) Darragh J did NOT set his rPG 1:59.269 last month. But someone submitted it as such so here he is! Congratulations Darragh! #168 (#94) Pabloski cut like 40 spots with a bunch of PBs, love to see more online people dabble in TTs #170 (N/A) Falco got a 1:48.699 and 4th WW on rWS. Fuck yeah mate, 3rd is so close #178 (#171) Teovoni59 why the fuck is it 59 now, STOP SLIGHTLY CHANGING YOUR NAME!!!!! 2:03 MT glitch nice, very nostalgic time range. Also is that a rBC gold star I see? Not sure but I'm gonna assume it is #186 (#84) Brian Lai managed to get onto the top 200, and has been streaming his 2:04 attempts on rSL ng. Would be a very cool time, hope you can get it! #191 (#146) Ben Brophy this is NOT Ben Hurley. This is Ben Brophy, who got a 53.4 on GV2. Ben Hurley has a 53.6 on GV2. Ben Hurley is slow. #193 (#126) Spencer Sassak gives me PTSD due to my MKL + PP data merging script giving all of Spencer's flap times to a Norwegian guy called Lok who by chance has exactly 1/1 ties with Spencer on MKL (they have the same LC time). Oh shit 1:51.8 on TF with mach? 1:18.4 on MC3? Pretty cool mate! 200- #202 (#158) Ryan Lynch is another news mention farmer who got a 2:33.5 rBC and then stopped playing. See you soon. #203 (#170) Silicosis has 2 videos attached to his timesheet, 1 from 2022 and 1 from 2023. Still waiting for the 2024 one. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this guy will fluke a time out that's a lot better than the rest of his runs soon. He got 1:09.5 on LC, I see the potential #208 (#157) ElecTrick oh yeah, he got 2:29 on RR just 2 days ago, congrats! He does not have pronouns. #212 (N/A) Darien Bawpers is like when you order Justin from Wish, he's been posting some crazy ass online strat compilations that might become the meta in the year 2041. He got a 42.797 on MG which I swear ties an old PB I used to have here. He also got a 34.1 TF glitch flap, but no 3lap run. Big sadge. #217 (#132) Anonymous ayo 1:41 on MG? That's cool asf, bunch of other stuff aswell to cut off an ungodly 83 AF and 81 positions #231 (#182) Jeroen Schepers convinced me that he's active and should be able to rejoin the private TT server. After that he has set 1 (one) time, which is on MH flap. Swindled again, never trust the Dutch. #232 (#204) Matt Danner 2:34.8 on rBC. Well done Matt Danner (Age: 13) #238 (#156) Joe Beaton since when has Ace had a full timesheet??? Anyway, he started off with 3rd WW and sub 1:47 on DDR and finished with 7th WW and 1:46.2 on DKS. Man cannot stop his journey to becoming cracked as fuck on every tech track in the game #239 (#148) Panaud completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! #241 (#186) Hockeylord900 uhhh like rBC gold star I think and MT glitch for the first time, also DKJP glitch time damn (I hope it was sign) #246 (#175) Woomy I was gonna say there wasn't anything that sticks out here but he improved his MG ng to a 1:41.926, so many people have that sub now it's actually wild. #273 (N/A) Charlie Gillet bro 1:50.1 TF ng, 2:20.3 KC, 2:18 MT, 1:49.6 DDR? How are you this low? Oh it's because you're Kenneth Bernales's twin and have 0 glitch times, AF is very glitchphilic (LOL and you have a rock hop time on GV but no nosc flap so you're not even listed on red charts, big GG) #285 (#228) Daelyn completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! (thank you for linking me the MK64Wii video) #288 (#214) Elias 49.9 RR ng flap and that's it. Worst kind of news update mention farmer out there, shame on you. #293 (#220) Joshua Baldwin got the MT glitch WR. The MT king does not stand down. #294 (#230) Dwt89_ got his SGB glitch run with a sub 1:20, high five! Also this guy has some unhinged BGMs and that's rich coming from me #303 (#225) Ncsr. bro played a lot of flaps and they are all around 200th #304 (#172) Mikey Mickey Mike Mikeson completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! (what the fuck is that name) #314 (#206) James Muraski Town/Region - Fort Knox, Kentucky, Other info - Deez nuts. We have a funnyman among us clearly! 69th place on MMM flap, proves my point #335 (N/A) YangMK6 is on the quest to beat Falco on every no-sc track. rWS is going to be hard. Not a single PB with S3RL music this time around, i am not happy with this... #340 (#264) Leila FalB Massanova #1 Giorgia Meloni stan aka Italian Estaloy from Wish set a 1:05.2 on MC glitch and the video description is in Italian and the top 10 has Italian region flags. The Italians really trying to secede from the rest of the community. #341 (#240) .VNix is like actually a goated kart player but like I know nothing about kart so I can't even say anything about any of these times except I hope you beat Naomi every chance you get #362 (#211) Pablo Hernangómez got a 1:31.507 on rMC what a god!! muy bien pablo #389 (#287) ChromaQ completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! #403 (#242) Fireball bro, 42.5 rSL flap and thats it, can you guys stop farming the news updates yes I have said your name you can set another time now #408 (N/A) Ryan Billingham holy shit yeah this is the OG Australian Ryan setting his first PB since 2012? You love to see it man, hope you're doing alright, can't believe you'd still put yourself through rDH spear after all these years #414 (#236) Gus.. got 1:09.8 LC and something on rPG #422 (#273) Chansey got the 35 on CM by using some of these new zoomer entries. I also saw some radical bumper stickers hidden on Chansey's car, I am calling the CIA. #455 (#286) Calum Sutherland got 8 PRs and still went down 3 spots. MKW in 2024 is rough. #482 (#294) Jacob Robitaille completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! #497 (#276) Leo Perna got the biggest AF cut this time around with over 89 AF cut and cutting 65 spots. 1:09 LC and 1000+ ranked times in the timesheet is funny asf. Just proves my point that everyone can and will get 1:09 LC somewhere down the line, we are up to 424 on the PP now. #502 (N/A) AlexW03 completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! #534 (#295) Cole Gate set a lot of times but he felt like uploading his DC one. This audio is giving me a headache. Next player! #550 (#314) Valentin Dupont completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! #566 (#306) Joshua Patterson completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! #576 (#304) Zeddicus has a mii that has some classic worldwide main vibes, nice prs, you almost cut AF. #581 (#319) Mattinatorr shows up as black on the stats programs, which should mean that he didn't pass a single player on any track. He got 3 PRs so I'm not sure how that's possible but OK then, I guess they were very small improvements. #628 (#321) Tony Rolens and we have reached the 2:40 rBC players. I know you can get that 2:39. #633 (#333) Phenom CM 1:03.011 rank 420 lol! rMC 1:39.934 rank 1050 not so lol. #645 (#332) MashingSapphic why would you name yourself that #674 (#361) Borat completed his timesheet. Very nice! #723 (#366) Justin JJ Morris rDS 2:20 rank 1220, I didn't even think there were that many players on the charts #735 (#386) Liam Barr 2:05 WGM rank 1250, even better #737 (#378) Dillon Karst got a 2:32.6 on KC and actually has a video of it! His overlay says his goal is top 100. His run is not in the top 1000. He has very ambitious goals. #762 (#401) Zevihex Titan completed his timesheet. Welcome aboard! #771 (#409) John McArdle PASSED THE KING #772 Paul Allain ON THE CHARTS, CONGRATULATIONS JOHN Site Records: Bryce beat the old Mushroom Gorge crs time of 0'19"758 with a time of: 0'19"747 Shane Hogan beat the old Coconut Mall lap time of 0'04"120 with a time of: 0'04"097 Joshua Baldwin beat the old Maple Treeway crs time of 1'35"030 with a time of: 1'33"239 Shane Hogan tied the old Grumble Volcano lap time of 0'02"785 with a time of: 0'02"785 Arvo Koskikallio beat the old N64 Sherbet Land lap time of 0'10"587 with a time of: 0'10"463 Vincent Braixen beat the old DS Desert Hills crs time of 1'30"603 with a time of: 1'30"425 Intel Core beat the old N64 DK's Jungle Parkway crs time of 0'41"072 with a time of: 0'38"878 No Glitch: Vincent Braixen beat the old Coconut Mall no glitch lap time of 0'37"283 with a time of: 0'37"228 Jay Rangthale beat the old N64 Sherbet Land no glitch crs time of 2'03"750 with a time of: 2'03"656 Felix G beat the old N64 DK's Jungle Parkway no glitch lap time of 0'41"572 with a time of: 0'41"519 Luke Brown beat the old N64 Bowser's Castle no glitch crs time of 2'30"573 with a time of: 2'30"459 Alright brothers and sisters, enough for today, remember to brush your teeth and all that. Don't do drugs, go to school, never skip flap day, always thank the bus driver and news update writer. Hope to write another news update next year if the game is still kicking! MEME OF THE MONTH:  - Arvo |
Prophecy, Gods and me yappingArthurOww @ Tuesday, March 12th 11:05AM [link] |
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| Hello and welcome, my dear Karters and Kartesses, to this News! This one’s not delayed like last time lmao. We’re still in the fresh start of 2024, and some crazy things have happened already, although it’s not as crazy as last year was. Let’s check out what our special leaping February was made of. So, what has happened over the past month? We saw 4 new 3lap WRs on 4 different tracks and an insane 11 Flap WRs on 6 different categories, that’s the highest we’ve got in a month since… February of last year and the discoveries of ODB strats on RR and CM’s glitches. Might as well rename the month Flapuary. Going in chronological order, we continue the story from last month on BC where Alex keeps on improving his time with the new Spear shortcut and doesn’t make one, not two, but FOUR improvements from a 41.676 on February 3rd to a 41.252 on the 28th. Impressive stuff from the King, congrats Alex! ...see what i did there A day after KingAlex’s first record of the month, we saw some activity on rWS Glitch where Danny Boy, saddened to not be able to take the 3lap record (2/3 too hard), decided to get 2nd WW in 3lap and snatch the Flap record at the same time, resulting in a big near .3 cut getting a 21.346. Nice job Neptune Here’s a name you don’t see getting a WR often, ZCubed actually pulled through and managed to get only his 2nd Flap WR on GV Non-SC! On the 10th of the month he pulled out a 35.482 beating Luke by 4ms. Sadly he got bullied by Logan on the same day, who by the looks of it wanted the “ZCubed will never WR” meme to stay true and got a .446. When will ZCubed break the curse? A day later, Justin wanted to get 20$ from Hydr8ion and Arvo but he couldn’t, as the former World #1 failed to sub 18.350 on rYF flap to get the first God standard time here, goal of the bounty set by the two lads running the site alongside me. He still got a .354, enough to get WR from Jack, so nice job. Logan also wanted those 20$ but he had his eyes on another God time, rSL Non-SC Flap. That category being extremely rough standards-wise (my former 10th WW time being Legend A still hurts me) it was no easy task, but Logan being Logan, he eventually got the money by setting a 39.646, edging the standard by .004. And all of a sudden, only one category remained Godless, being rYF flap. What seemed way out of reach for years could potentially happen. We could actually get all God standards on the site, after so many years. The only obstacle standing in our way, was that one flap that even Justin himself failed to claim, rYF. Could it be done? After his rSL God time, Logan set himself a goal. To get all the God standards… Himself. We were already struggling to achieve a God-only timesheet with only WR times, and this lad, as good as he is at this fucking game, wants to do it himself? Surely he’s crazy, right??? Well, the day after getting rSL, he got to work on BC Non-SC and got not only the God time but the record as well, with a 45.751. He was still missing 5 God times if he wanted to achieve ARR perfection. A long way to go. The Flap records are so cool I almost forgot to talk about the 3laps lmao. Connor keeps on his activity from January but changes from DKS to rWS, and improves his own No-SC record by 28ms with a 1:48.247 on February 12th, then Luke comes back to DC on the 15th to reclaim his throne over Logan with a really cool 1:28.321 that “only” gets 2 stairdives compared to Logan’s 3, very nicely driven. 3 days later he also improved on Parkway Non-SC with a 2:10.546, .4 is on the way… Congrats to both of you! Last 3lap WR of this update comes on MG No-Glitch, where Alperen, getting like 3 BKPs in the same day at one point, finally managed to get a big improvement to a 1:40.416 on the 20th. .3 is his next goal, though .2 doesn’t seem that much out of reach… so good luck for your future attempts! You know me, I can’t help but to talk about Flaps every 2 minutes. Fittingly, we still have one more Flap record to talk about for this update. It’s from Braixen, and even if you might guess the track, you will never guess the time. We’ve seen Justin fail here, we’ve seen countless others finish mere milliseconds away from that major milestone; however, we had never been so close to completing it. How fitting for one of the legends of the game to complete the elusive task of finally completing the prophecy and beating the last remaining God standard to complete the WR time’s Godsheet. Braixen thus makes history and gets the 20$ bounty with the help of a new strat, smashing the God standard by 54 milliseconds with an 18.296. We’ve done it. I wanna say, on behalf of all of the Player’s Page staff, a massive thank you to everyone who committed to the task, from the first ever God standard achieved way back in December 2009 on RR by Jorge to that last effort from Braixen. At long last, the bet made by former players all those years ago has finally come true. Happy ending. However, do you know who’s not done? Yeah, you remembered obviously. Logan is not done. World #1 in every category, in Combined or Non-SC, in AF or Total Time… He wanted something no one else had done before. He wanted that perfect ARR of 0, the God ARR. He wanted the Godsheet. And so, he grinded. And grinded. Grinded as a World #1 would grind. And, to almost everyone’s surprise, he was actually getting those God times. It started on the 8th when he got GV2 Flap. Then a day later he got rPB Flap. As we’ve discussed he went on to ascend on the Non-SC Flaps of GV, BC and most difficult of all, rSL, and he also got rDH Non-SC Flap during this time period. Then on the 19th he got rPB 3lap. Then on the 20th he got RR 3lap. When he caught his 62nd God on BC 3lap, the whole TT community had their eyes on their greatest player. On February 25th, the man actually achieved what Braixen had done just a week before, with a smaller margin, as he got the 2nd ever God on rYF Flap with a 18.349. Beating the standard by one millisecond. As the stars aligned, only one single category remained in Logan Kebabby’s way. Three God laps on LC were the only obstacle left to the greatest achievement in the game’s history. Starting at a respectable Myth D standard, he had one mission. He set countless PRs, spent countless hours on the first track in the game. 1:09.140, 1:09.131, 1:09.109. At this point, only 10 milliseconds separated him from his Godsheet. The time to get was 1:09.099. And so. During the night between February 29th and March 1st, on a date that only happens once every 4 years. After a disappointing PB of 1:09.104, the stars aligned on that fateful day. The clock had already hit March 1st in GMT timezones, but people of Wyoming, Logan’s state of residence, were still living their last hours of February. And what a way to close out the month than to finish a Mario Kart Wii Time Trial that would go down in history. Getting onto WW Tops with a 1:09.094, he had done it. The oof guy from Wyoming had done it. As the clock hit March 1st, he was the undisputed God of Mario Kart Wii. My most sincere and admirative congratulations to you Logan, this may be a feat no one else comes close to accomplishing, at least for a very, very long time. And that concludes the intro! I call that an intro but it’s really not an intro, especially if you consider the fact that this is already 5 pages long on my Google doc. For one single month this is absurdly long, but I guess there were a lot of things to talk about huh? Anyway, how about we continue the News? COUNTRY OF THE MONTH: I said when I started this thing that I would not include USA, but for this month it’s hard not to acknowledge what we’ve seen from players of this country, especially Logan, but also Connor, Braixen, Justin. Basically the only WR activity from non USA players were from Luke and Alperen, so even though their standards are the highest of any countries, this month was an insane month even for them. TRACK OF THE MONTH: everyone played it during the month from what I’ve seen, both the glitch and the No-Glitch category, so I’ll give this award to N64 DK’s “long ass name” Jungle Parkway. I myself even made the fucking glitch, that’s not something you see often… QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “The part of the brain that makes people play MKWii only works if they are missing every other part of the brain” - OrangeYoshi, February 7th, 2024 ANCIENT QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “God overall will never happen.” - Mick, November 14th, 2009 This News Update covers from February 1st, 2024 to February 29th, 2024. Say hello to the 2 new players we count for this month: 1stmatt (no fucking way we got the full trilogy) Saruu (Spanish goat) The Gods (Top 10) #1 (#1) LOGAN KEBABBY got the godsheet as told previously, I don’t think there’s much else to say as my SummoningSalt-like paragraph earlier on already covered everything #2 (#2) Justin Hitchcock got his rYF flap as mentioned earlier, as well as a RR Flap, a 1:49.4 on TF Non-SC, a 1:45.4 on TF Shortcut and a 1:31.2 on rMC. He might not be setting PRs left and right like Logan but he still got it! #3 (#4) Arvo Koskikallio got many PRs to comfort his #3 placement and is now 4 AF ahead of Jack. Man’s making moves. He still lost a bet and had to record himself reading out loud the entire wikipedia page of some random shit I don’t even remember the name of, what even was that bet lmfao #5 (#11) Vincent Braixen got one single time this update and we’ve already talked about it since it’s his rYF Flap. He may have made history, but he didn’t cut much AF with that… Also he got kicked out of the Non-SC Top 10 by the guy right below him #7 (#10) Mitchell Healy worked mainly on LC and RR and was perfectly in sync with Logan to the point where I would struggle to figure out if the screenshots I was seeing on MKL’s Discord were from one or the other, before coming to the realization that they both PRed at the same time. He got a 2nd WW time on DKS Flap with an ace up the sleeve and a really nice 33.172 Myth A time on Moonview Flap but it doesn’t beat me haha loser (please have mercy and don’t improve this is the only good thing in my timesheet I don’t wanna lose spots this quickly) The two lads that wanted to be different apparently (11-25) #13 (#18) Zed R got 4 Non-SC PRs and they’re all absolutely jacked as what we’re used to seeing from Colin. The German #1’s best time this update comes on rMC where he BARELY missed the holy 1:30, getting a 1:31.001, surely you can make the final push! Who knows, with this and a few other PRs you could maybe pass Totom in Combined AF… #14 (#9) Eclipse is the embodiment of how Flaps are key to your AF cuts. This guy cut 9 AF in 9 PRs at this level, cutting 5 placements and getting into Top 15, and he ONLY played flaps. Best one is on KC with a 44.138, 9th on the PP tied with Shane who set his time a day later (lmao). Man I Love Flaps. The Legends + Jayu (25-50) #27 (#36) Danny Boy Enters Top 30 by improving his weak categories such as DDR (get 1:50 please), rYF Flap, MG Flap and… rWS Glitch okay maybe he didn’t only play for AF. We’ve discussed this previously so I won’t go much in detail. Top 25 when? #30 (#3) Luke Brown’s times have all already been discussed because he only got his 2 WRs. It shows, cuz he was #29 in the last News. He doesn’t care about AF. He misses out on the nerdiest and objectively best way to play Mario Kart. Not my fault! #31 (#39) Shane Hogan got some great PRs that allowed him to move 3 placements, with the highlight being that juicy 2:19.4/44.138 combo on KC No-Glitch. The duck is making moves. Don’t drink too much for St Patrick’s day next week, you know ducks don’t drink alcohol! #36 (#67) Exploder mostly stayed in his comfort zone playing rYF and set a banger 4th WW time of 58.752 #38 (#49) Jyran Liebs got too many PRs and cut 13 spots to get into Top 40, the Labies man is killing it this month. #39 (#57) Nara Hiero also enters Top 40, mostly by playing glitches like Parkway or rSGB. The price to pay when you’ve glitched so many tracks, you can’t even improve your blue chart without them lmao. I will take note of the effort on CM though, a 1:58.2 is quite respectable. #46 (#80) JAYOO barely gets onto the News thanks to a clutch parking lot simulat- I mean CM Glitch where the pasta glitcher got a 32.651 that’s not even CR because Cross actually got a .5 the day before this is too funny. Also he got his GV Flap WR printed on a shirt this month so this is clearly the highlight. The greats (51-100) #56 (#142) Intel Core mainly worked on his No-Glitch timesheet this month, and although there are some cool things there’s still a lot to work on. I appreciate the dedication though, you’re out here working on your red charts when some people on this site don’t even have a completed timesheet… staring at the guy with a Koopa on Jet Bubble pfp #59 (#81) Jacob Loerzel has seen the horrors many people made on his favorite track and is not happy about it. I’m sorry but sign clip was easier to learn… also I just noticed the stats page trolled me because he didn’t play this month but since I’ve already written that joke and I like it I’m keeping him in the News, Jacob you can thank my poor sense of humor for this appearance! #61 (#120) Nate Schultz improved on a bunch of tracks and set cool times here and there like a subbing 2:05.976 on rDS or a 1:44.682 on Moonview, and also he got a Flap with box clip on TF that’s like his 4th best Flap so nice job dude #63 (N/A) Alex Shoal actually played something else than BC Flap because he also improved on rYF flap after the new strat was found and implemented by Braixen, and this is epic. Could you please complete your Non-SC timesheet though, this isn’t 2008 anymore… #64 (N/A) Bryce improved on SGB Glitch with an impressive 1:15.715 (6th WW) finish on the 3lap, nice job, I find it so funny though how the only other PR you got this month is on the literal opposite type of track that’s rBC No-Glitch, make it make sense lol #74 (#61) Michele Gallastri got CRs on both CM Glitch (aforementioned, rip Jayu) and MMM beating Sal’s time from October with a 1:16.006 (go 1:15 / EU tops!). One category he couldn’t beat Sal on though was MG No-Glitch where he fell short of 32ms with a 1:41.784. Still cool. #77 (#65) Boshi got 2 PRs on… Both GV2 Flaps? Weird combo but sure, one’s even a 16.445 that’s on WW Tops so we take those. Also sorry I don’t update the forum often but in all honesty I don’t even update often and when I do update I forget that it exists. #80 (#48) Mo No improved on rWS to set the respectable duo of 1:51.8/36.2 and also subbed on rDH alongside it for a 1:35.9. Nice stuff! #81 (#66) ArthurOww I FINALLY moved from the #84 spot I was in since like forever, but now what? With a DKJP glitch under my belt I wanted to improve my CM but I’m the all time worst player on that track so that stayed at a 48 entering March, hopefully I can improve it soon but rn I’m focusing on DDR because my time there is ass and I want to get a 1:49. Watch me not get it and proceed to play a completely different track next. This is usually how it goes. #90 (#47) Acquiesce improved on one of his best tracks, rSGB with a 1:21.908/25.440 pair of PRs. He doesn’t miss. #99 (#104) Cederic cooks on rYF (59.8) and rPB Glitch (1:08.9) to take the last step and enter the Combined Top 100. Very well deserved. Now it’s time to do the same on the superior chart bro (I am totally not biased you know me well I’m only spitting facts, like 34.1 is BKS on MG No-Glitch) The good people that got lives unlike everyone you saw earlier (101-200) #107 (#98) NITROFOX has only registered one single blue chart PR, that’s a 33.1 on CM, but I can assure you he got like 1000000 more PRs he just doesn’t care enough about the PP to update them. Thanks for the AF I guess #109 (#70) 2ndmatt PR dumped on the 22nd so idk if all of these times were set this month but I know for a fact that juicy combo of 1:09.049 on LC and 1:20.864 on MC is from February. He’s proven to the world he can indeed play something other than rMC, and he’s ready to cut some more AF! …Probably, I didn’t ask him tho #120 (#107) Owen Smith improves his weaker categories to cut AF from the #146 spot he was at last month, although he allowed himself to showcase his Spear skills on rPB and got a 1:13.5/22.6 duo of PRs. Very nice. #121 (#124) James Collins isn’t as active as he used to but he still got one PR for the update, a… 10.9 on Goldmine Glitch Flap. I can’t judge you cuz I got an 11.8 but yeah that’s not the best PB you could ask for… #134 (#91) Supreme also got one singular PR this update (why do y’all keep giving me more work to do!!), it’s a 1:50.7 on DDR, now I’m gonna mention the fact that I almost wrote flap which is funny because a 1:50.7 flap on DDR is dead last on the charts by almost a full minute (my sense of humor is broken) #158 (#166) Rheece Wachow pleases me and improves on his No-SC timesheet this month, nice. Salvaged a few good PRs here and there especially in the retros, but DKJP was his best work as he got a subbing 2:14.9 and a very cool 42.9 on the flap, ranked at 34th as his best ranked time in the Red Charts. Man I love No-Glitch. #166 (N/A) Dragon returns to the game after leaving in 2017 and actually improved his best category, as the former WR holder on DC improved on his decade-old PR with a 1:29.637. Very cool return. Good luck if you wish to improve more of your old times! #173 (N/A) Falco got a 42.9 on BC Glitch Flap and cut one placement with it. *clap clap clap* #174 (#72) Fraterz got a 1:51.5 on WGM No-Glitch (that’s also his glitch PR lmfao) and that’s it. Bro how many of you are there that only played one category this month #181 (#141) Dylan Lepeirtz got quite a few PRs (finally) to pass 12 people in the leaderboards, and the highlight is that 34.4 on CM Glitch that’s almost Top 50 and his best ranked time, congrats! #186 (#88) Kenneth Bernales PBd on 2 categories being TF No-SC (1:51.4) and MT No-Glitch Flap (45.5). Barely enough to cut AF but he still climbed one placement, cool stuff #199 (#155) Ryan Lynch got a single PR on TF No-SC as well, a 1:51.5. Couldn’t beat Kenneth, rip The other good people just a bit worse at the game (200-300) #202 (#106) Pabloski Cuts 4 placements thanks to 2 cool PRs on rPB and DKJP No-Glitch, and is closing in on the Top 200, although I’ll say that No-SC Top 100 will feel much better when you eventually hit it. #203 (#92) Brian Lai improved on a bunch of categories to cut 9 placements and close out on that Top 200! Among those PRs I can note a cool 2:13.5 on Parkway as well as a 2:00.7 on rPG, keep up the good work #216 (#165) ElecTrick cleaned up some weak flaps he had rusting then went to KC to grab one of his best PRs, a 2:22.002 that’s Legend D. Sadly no sub :’( #296 (#205) Woomy only got one PR… OH wait it’s on GV Glitch Flap. Since Jayu isn’t here today I’ll make an impression of him hold on… *clears throat* “Based, porcodio �-�” #297 (#247) Emil Lönquist for this News cycle got a single time of 2:37.0 on rBC, getting up to a Hero D standard. There’s still some work left if you wanna get 64/64 Heroes in Combined but I believe you can do it! Good luck man! The Chads just here for the ride (300+) #301 (#222) Ncsr. improved on 14 different categories to cut 14 AF and barely miss out on being Top 300 this month. Here’s a spoiler for you though: he actually got it early march, so congrats on the W! #331 (#221) James Muraski...timesheets? I’ve seen you sending your times on the discord for so long I didn’t even know you hadn’t finished your timesheet lol. Well welcome to the charts I guess #335 (N/A) YangMK6 is pursuing his dream of beating Falco in all categories, and so, he submitted times for… His own best track, MT No-Glitch. Well Falco was ahead of him on this one so it’s justified, he even got a 2:17.7/44.7 duo so yeah, mission successful. You won’t be able to beat all his times if you don’t finish your No-SC timesheet though! #340 (#246) Dwt89_ timesheets onto the leaderboard, greetings from France to Ireland! (stop bullying us in Rugby please) #357 (#208) Pablo Hernangómez gets a single PR (how many of you did that this update) but it’s a great one as it’s a 1:31.7 on rMC. I myself don’t even have a time like this here and I’m Top 100 so clearly you have some AF to cut! #383 (#243) .VNix also got a single PR (seriously), on rSL, with a 2:09.6. The fact that a kart can get a 2:09 on this track is genuinely fucking impressive. #395 (#277) Leila FalB Massanova blessed us with a banger of a PB video, showcasing how she tricked Nitrofox into believing he beat her (basically hoarding) for the sake of revenge. Her plans didn’t work out very well though as he beat her back before she could release the vid of her hoarded time, and he actually found out about the hoard before she sent that vid cause of the ghost being in CTGP. Epic fail from the MKItalia dev, but guess what you did well? You actually made me wanna play DKJP glitch. That’s a fucking miracle. #398 (#237) Fireball works with efficiency by cutting 15 AF for only 3 PRs, and thus gets into Top 400 for the first time! Playing glitches surely helps on your Glitch AF huh… #405 (#251) Princessje11ybean comes backs after a few months and sets a few PRs on his worst tracks, but why did you change your discord name from Astra back to Narumi that name was so good #417 (#269) Chansey actually didn’t only play CM Glitch this month, and chose Moonview of all tracks to set a 1:46.7. Perhaps I treated you too harshly. Here, take this egg as a gift. 🥚 #441 (#272) Benito PR dumps on the 19th. He was last seen in July 2020 when he also PR dumped, so welcome back I guess, and see you in 4 years I presume #452 (#280) Calum Sutherland got 20 PRs to climb 14 placements, nice and rare to see in this part of the charts! #545 (#291) Cole Gate only got 2 PRs but managed to cut 2 AF and pass 1 player on the charts, good job! #562 (#283) Leo Perna cut AF big time with a -37, biggest this update. He passed 16 people with his 14 PRs. #572 (#311) Mattinatorr got 4 PRs, but it wasn’t enough to bring home the AF cuts. He still only gained 0.4 AF so we’re fine. #609 (#321) Charles Schrader got 12 PRs to boost himself by 5 placements and cut 9 AF, Top 600 is near! #646 (#329) MashingSapphic got 5 PRs, cut 2 AF, but sadly didn’t move any spots. At least she didn’t lose a placement! #730 (#372) Dillon Karst is our last player this update, as he cut 10 AF with 15 PRs and passed 10 other karters. Way to go! And there you go, that’s the update! And just like that we’re starting to get back to a more… traditional upload schedule. Hopefully that’ll last. I honestly have no idea what the rest of the year is gonna look like, but one thing is certain: there’s so much more Mario Kart to be played, and so we keep playing! Until the next update, have a good one, take care and enjoy that last bit of the News. Thanks for reading! Take a closer look at this month’s Site Records: Luke Brown beat the old Daisy Circuit crs time of 1'28"372 with a time of: 1'28"321 Alex Shoal beat the old Bowser's Castle lap time of 0'41"722 with a time of: 0'41"536 Vincent Braixen beat the old DS Yoshi Falls lap time of 0'18"357 with a time of: 0'18"296 Danny Boy beat the old GCN Waluigi Stadium lap time of 0'21"782 with a time of: 0'21"346 No-Glitch: Logan KEBABBY beat the old Grumble Volcano lap time of 0'35”486 with a time of: 0'35”446 Logan KEBABBY beat the old Bowser Castle lap time of 0'45”760 with a time of: 0'45”751 Logan KEBABBY beat the old N64 Sherbet Land lap time of 0'39”668 with a time of: 0'39”646 Luke Brown beat the old N64 DK’s Jungle Parkway crs time of 2’10”572 with a time of: 2’10”546 PLAYER AWARDS: Player of the Week: - February 1: Jyran Liebs for continuing his efforts made in January and cutting 13 AF and 12 spots to finish #39 on the 8th of the month. - February 2: Cederic for getting into the Combined AF Top 100 - February 3: Vincent Braixen for getting a 18.2 on rYF Flap, completing the WR timesheet with its last remaining God standard and fulfilling the prophecy former players set up back in 2009 - February 4: Luke Brown for getting 2 WRs in quick succession, beating Logan on DC and improving on DKJP Non-Shortcut, and getting back on track Player of the Month: - February: Logan KEBABBY for lowering his AF down to insane levels (4.87 Combined / 3.82 Non-SC), but most importantly being the first and only player to complete the GODSHEET by lowering his ARR to 0. 64/64 God standard times in the game, completed. PLAYER OF THE YEAR 2023: Logan KEBABBY with 33.3% of the community’s votes. MEME OF THE MONTH:  - Arthur’Oww, the guy that has totally never released a News after the due date |
The long awaited oneArthurOww @ Wednesday, February 7th 05:28PM [link] |
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| HELLOOOOOOO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Karters and Kartesses, how’s it going???? After an 11-month hiatus, your favorite News writer returns to spending way too much time going over every single one of y’all’s timesheets! How about that… I know you’ve missed me, and even if you didn’t, I do not care. As I’m here today, I offer you a brand new essay to sum up everything that has happened in the last few (actually not so few) weeks. Enjoy… But before we get deep into the big stuff, let me introduce you with this little paragraph (that's totally not being written last second because we forgot about it) to the Player of the Year 2023 voting! As always, it's a little poll for you all to decide which Karter stood out the most during the past year. Right now, you can go submit a list of 5 players maximum you want to nominate for this poll, and the 5 players with the highest number of votes get in that last decisive poll that'll be made in a week or two. You thus have little time to nominate, so I encourage you to go on the Player's Page Forum and place down your nominations list right now and right here. So, what has happened since the last News? Well, at first, basically nothing lmao. In July and August we saw a grand total of 5 WRs with August only getting ONE of them, the fewest we've seen since April 2016! Truly the WR scene is bleeding, since there isn’t as much activity at top level as there used to be, honestly expected due to the game’s age (no wayyy who would’ve thought) and the MK8DX DLC that came out during the year. Logan literally took a break to play MK8 at one point, and this really pushed down the WR activity (although his break wasn’t that long and he still got 15/32 records this update lol). We also saw the likes of Kasey, Sosis, Luke, Braixen and others setting WRs alongside Logan this News cycle. Let’s talk about it. First off, your usual Logan records. He became the 2nd player to break the 100 WR tally, after Luke, on July 22nd when he got a 1:28.411 on DC beating his former PR by .013. He came back to the track in January (this News is way overdue) to get a second PR, this time getting the first .3 with a 1:28.372. He then went on to focus on TF where he improved the Shortcut category 3 times finishing with a 1:44.178 right at the start of September, and improved the Non-Shortcut category once with an "ever so slightly closer to a 1:48" 1:49.039 on August 28th. Yes it's that one WR that avoided a 0 WR month and yes that means we cut a WHOPPING 35ms off the No-Glitch WR Total Time in August. Surely it's the smallest time cut in quite some time. Then he went on good old GCN Mario Circuit and literally got 4 WRs in a week to get that insane sub 1:30, a 1:29.945 on the last day of September. That allowed him to narrowly beat Luke and become the guy with the most WRs ever at 108 WRs entering October. Also remember when I said Logan played MK8? Well he literally got WR on the newly added MH there for a bit meaning he held both the MKW and MK8DX WRs of the track at the same time lmao that’s our champ Sosis also got a little mad that Logan dared to take MMM from him a few months ago, so he took it back and improved it as we've seen in the prior News Update, except he was really mad apparently because he improved again! The American becomes the first player to sub .3 with a 1:15.273 on July 25th, ggs Saucisse you’re a beast on your tracks as always We then get to Kasey who continues to break down rPG, getting the first 1:58.8 with a .890. Considering the fails that he's gotten recently, we'll probably hear more about the track in the next Update. I totally didn’t write that 4 months ago, Kasey definitely touched the track since and hasn’t gone on other tracks at all! I mean what I wrote is still relevant cuz we might see the track next News Update… However that's not his big WR for September, and that one surely requires an entire paragraph so hold on let me press enter twice rq 15 years of MKWii and he seemed to always have one world record. 15 years, and through LC, rYF, RR, rPB and plenty of other tracks, he remained one of the top tier karters all this time. His reign on his ace track was utterly insane, covering by himself almost half a second on a track where it's difficult to save even a frame at this level. He remained the owner of the track for more than a decade. And after a tie that seemed almost unbelievable, someone was, in the end, able to end this ownership. The track is LC, and as you probably guessed by now, someone other than Cole is now the sole proprietor of the track, and that guy is obviously Kasey that made history on September 30th with a 1:08.733. Cole's reign was established with a 23 consecutive WR streak that went on for 3702 days, so 10 years, one month and 19 days, from August 11th, 2013 to September 30th, 2023. It stands as the #1 longest lasting reign in the history of the game, #2 being MrBean on WGM Glitch with 2772 days. Cole's last WR was the one that lasted the longest in his reign by a landslide with 1404 days as the record, that's his 2nd longest lasting WR after the 58.970 on rYF, and just like that, one of the all time greats of the game is left with no record for the first time in years. All I need to say now is huge congrats to Kasey and, well, the king's dead, long live the king. May you be the one to improve this track even further. I said Logan got his 1:29 on rMC on September 30th, and Kasey also broke LC on that same day, right? Well, well, let me tell you something: I had never seen this happen before, but on that last day of the month, 2 other WRs were set, by 2 different players, on 2 different categories, meaning we actually got 4 people getting 4 records on 4 categories all in one day. How cool is that. You can say the last 2 categories are just Glitch and No-Glitch of one single track, but still… And btw, it’s rBC I’m talking about. We first saw Luke finally break through and end his drought on the track by getting a 2:30.573, only a 9ms improvement sadly but enough to get a new record, plus at this level even a frame is hard to cut off on this track (absolutely not speaking from experience I am not a god at this track with my dumb mid 2:32) so congrats to Luke. On the Glitch side, Logan’s first successful run was defeated more than 1000 days after it was set, and the man to do it was, obviously, Mr (now former) 2nd Worldwide who didn’t get thwomped this time around, Core with a 2:20.406. Crazy to think that this was only the 2nd record we had on the category… After this busy last day came October and we got 6 WRs to talk about here… Yeah 4 of them are Logan’s what do you want me to do about it First off, who would’ve thought that after a 1000 days drought on rBC Glitch we would see 4 new WRs in quick succession? Definitely not me. After Core’s run, another glitcher managed to get the record, and as the holder of RR Glitch Danny Boy became a multi-WR holder for the first time in his life by getting the sub 2:20 with a 2:19.908 on the 7th of the month. It wouldn’t last long though, because as he saw there was some competition, Logan joined to get some fun with the lads and ruined it by setting a 2:18.963 on October 16th and a 2:17.997 the day after, that’s why you can’t party with the boys Logan that’s because you’re too strong be gentle sometimes! :rainiosmile: On the same day as Logan’s last rBC run, Luke also got close to BC3 No-SC, climbing all the way to 4ms behind Logan! We all thought “wow that was so close” for 30 minutes until he got another run going and beat Logan to get a 2:16.183, first time subbing .2, nice work from the English. With that he also climbs to #1 in terms of number of WRs on the category with 8. The ultimate goal still is that insane 2:15, and it is achievable, so good luck Luke you have what it takes And then we got… Oh shit MOONVIEW MENTIONED RAAAAAHH BEST TRACK IN THE GAAAAAAAME where Logan improved his 1 year old record twice in the same 11-hour stream (oof) with a 1:42.984 (smol) and a 1:42.975 (also smol) on October 21st. I had watched the runs because, well, Moonview lmao, and tbh even though I hadn’t played the category in literal years I couldn’t but notice the timesave we could get on this. And turns out, I was right, since Logan got a .872 just a week later. Pretty interesting developments on this track, but still, I’m sure it can go down lower. Maybe in 2024 we’ll see a .7? And then, the desert. The void. Nothing. No WRs for almost a full month, and only one lonely WR in November. The track? MG Non-SC. The savior? You guessed it, Alperen, with a 1:40.494, subbing 1:40.5 for the first time here. December was more on the busy side, with 6 WRs set. Still not much, but it’s honest work by Braixen, who returned to his favorite track’s No-Glitch category and thus improved CM Non-SC a whopping 5 times in just 10 days from December 9th to December 19th. Pretty cool. He started off with the first 1:55.3 with a .360 (no scope) then grinded it down to a .264. He sadly couldn’t reach that goal of a .1 he set himself, but I’m sure he’ll get it. Stay strong and finish the job man! Mario Kart Wii is a game that’s been dominated by the USA for a few years now. And among the countless American WRs we had, how fitting for the last WR of the year to be set by a Spaniard? Just before Christmas Eve, Poyo thus reclaims his WGM Glitch throne from Ray once again with a .678 The first WR of the year on the other hand, is fully American, as Vincent takes home the Raceway crown, beating Sosis with a 1:41.193 on January 6th. A great way to start the year for the #5 US player and for the game as a whole too since Sosis’ time lasted for more than 2 years! Justin does what Justin does best, and it’s releasing a vid of a WR nobody expected at a time nobody expected either. Former World #1 takes .387 off of the rDH Glitch WR to lower it to a 1:30.603, mostly thanks to the first-ever sub 30 lap to be featured in a WR run, a 29.896 right at the end to finish it off. Great job as always. The maestro of DKS has fallen and now has a rival worthy of his prestige! Blake got his WR taken by Connor who, despite losing his streak of getting a WR each year from 2017 to 2022, hasn’t left the game and still hits us hard with a 1:44.568 on January 26th. Will Blake be able to take the crown back? He’s trying. Will Connor improve his newly acquired WR? Maybe. Only time will tell. Oh right, guess what? Flap time! We got 31 Flaps to cover (god that’s so much) on various tracks, mostly from Unrestricted, and yeah, mostly from Logan lmao Chronologically, Vincent "MostCommonNameEver" Nguyen reclaimed his RR glitch WR from Danny "former planet" Boy with a 14.675, first time subbing .7, then to my surprise (and probably a few others) Luke came back on LC, of all tracks, to hit the ramp and finished a 21.590, subbing .6 for the first time and becoming the first player to set a Flap WR on the track using the Bowser Bike, and that's fucking huge. Then… Logan subbed 43.7 on KC No-Glitch, stole DDR from Justin by one millisecond and got the first ever 32 lap on MH. 43.678, 32.491, 32.991, all of these are WRs. The interesting part here is that, well, he got them all in one day, August 18th. OK Mr. Kebabby OMG I got someone that we don't see often. Carter Clem! No, not the Carter from rPG, that's another one. After getting his maiden WR on MT Flap in November last year, he strikes again and improves on August 22nd to a 23.608, beautiful. Congrats man! And then for the Flap WRs set in September, we got… Logan again oh f The American improves his rMC Glitch flap yet again, now he's so used to it that he doesn't even need to save the ghost, he casually set his WR then reset his run as if nothing happened. Thankfully it was on stream lol. He also got 2 WRs on TF Shortcut just because poor Mitch tried to get the record and Logan got mad so he cut more than .1 to a 31.592. But guess what, he's not the only guy who can set WRs! On BC Non-SC, improving to a 45.760, Fraterz gets his maiden flap WR, beating Justin by .143. Finally we get someone new! Congrats on the record, hopefully you'll hold on to it! In October, Shane cut 1ms on his CM Glitch Flap… Then cut 1ms on his CM Glitch Flap again, excuse me? You’re going from a 4.122 to a 4.120 with 2 WRs?? Tbh, if you could get to 4.099 with 20 more records that’d be pretty funny so keep on cutting those milliseconds bro Lawrence improved his KC Glitch with a good 15.854, a few months after his previous one, gj gj sadly I don’t have much to say I don’t see anything special about it but a record is a record so congrats! In the last 10 years, only 2 people had held the rWS No-Glitch Flap WR. Those being Totom for more than 7 years and Justin for almost 3. That was until October 17th, where Australian track specialist Falco got to work and set a godly time of 35.132, beating Justin by 2ms and getting the first Flap WR of his career in style. Congrats man! The last 2 Flap records we got are on rBC Glitch, they’re just glitch laps of the 3lap records we mentioned previously: Danny got a 30.776 beating Core’s flap, then although Logan didn’t beat it in his 2:18, his 2:17 subbed 30 for the first time with a 29.752. Pretty cool. Sadly, no new Flap WRs were set in November. It’s pretty strange to think that even though the PP’s activity didn’t change, it even got better, the WR scene almost went silent for the whole month. Sad. December made it up for it tho, since we actually got a third of the Flap records for this Update during this month! The Italian lad, the Mii-abusing time-updating man himself, Jayu, got 3 WRs (omg) on GV glitch (ehhhhh) at the start of the month, with a stating 2.805, subbing 2.791 and finishing 2.785 from December 7th to December 11th. Nice job my dear coworker Then, the updating team had a brilliant idea: because the standards are just way too old and outdated, but we still wanted for all Gods to be hit, we thought it would be cool to set up a bounty for whoever would manage to get at least one of the last few remaining God standards of rSL Non-SC, rYF, and GV Non-SC flaps. And guess who took our (Hydr8ion’s) money? The #1 European TTer, the first one to get 100 WRs, you guessed it, it’s Luke! He improved GV Non-SC twice, first to a 35.528 on December 15th then to a 35.486 three days later. He thus got a grand total of 30$. Jackpot, Luke! Back to TF Shortcut, where after the Mitch vs Logan event, we saw a 3rd karter shoot his shot at the record, successfully this time. Jack Gluesing thus got a 34.811 and 34.806 both on the same day of December 16th. Great job from Mr rSGB Glitch Flap! Did you know that JMM’s rSL Glitch flap is the only WR of the category to surpass 1000 days? Well sadly, it won’t pass 1100 days because it just got beaten by Wii Wheel extraordinaire Ray on the 27th of the month, with a 10.584, barely 3ms ahead of the Portuguese. From one Chad to another. The last few flap records of the year were set by βτ member and rMC god Bickbork himself, on, your guessed it again (this is starting to feel like a game show), rMC, where he beat his former WR from mid 2022 by exactly .1 from a 28.451 to a .351 on the 28th, then again with a .324 two days later the day before New Year’s Eve. And with that, the 2023 season comes to an end. Goodnight… Wake up!!! It’s the first of the month! Well actually it’s not the first it’s the 12th of January, but KingAlex, the one and only, returns with a banger as he gets BC Shortcut flap setting two times of 41.865 and 41.722 later on the 25th, with the… Spear?? Yeah, the lad heard of a way to make the BC ending shortcut RTA, and thus went on to try it, setting the first Spear flap WR on the track since Jorge’s 42.723 in… 2010. That’s a long time and long-overdue return for both the vehicle and the karter. The last (finally) WR to talk about for this update comes from Blake, obviously on DKS, where Mr. Germany got a 33.741 on January 24th. He might have lost his 3lap record to Connor, but this man is still unbeaten on the flap for almost 10 years, ever since his subbing 33.989 on May 29th, 2014. Standing the test of time. Wait it’s not the last Flap record! Falco improved his rWS Flap to a 35.119 just to piss me off after I wrote his last part on stream, this bozo didn’t even record his time too or at least it’s not on the Flap WRs sheet, but he got another paragraph about him for this update so congrats Falco (don’t ever do this again or I will make your walls my new home) I feel like it’s worth mentioning it, but Liam’s rDH No-Glitch Flap WR is still standing, and as of January 30th, literally the day I’m writing this, this 29.317 turns 8. years. old. 2922 days old. That’s the longest a record has ever stood, more than Thomas’ 41.425 on DKJP Shortcut set in 2015 that took 7.5 years to beat and lasted 2781 days. Will Liam’s record last 3000 days? It seems so, and it would be insane to see. If you don’t want it to hit that milestone, get to work, because it should hit it on April 17th. You know what to do. That's every WR we got since Arvo's Update, now let me introduce you to a more interesting part of this News because MKW can't exist without… the pause-buffering drama ofc What happened? To make it short, in early September we realized that Justin paused a lot when setting 2 of his KC WRs, while making the glitch. Asked about it, he replied that he buffered the pause button to get the glitch more consistently. Now, if you're familiar with the rules, you might remember that pause buffering is not allowed, therefore Justin's runs have to be considered as cheated runs. They have been removed from the Player's Page. If you ever wondered, no, we did not consider banning him at any moment, given the issue being minimal (only 2 times and one PR), and the fact that we never ever banned someone for pause buffering. That brought a question though, because even though he pause buffered to get the glitch more consistently, he still drove a WR time by pure skill and didn't "cheat" for the rest of the run. Should we really ban his runs then? To avoid moments like this in the future, why shouldn't we allow pause buffering altogether? The debate rises again after its first appearance for the rPG flower hop back in 2018, and we thus hosted a vote on the matter both on the public and private TT servers. We asked if players wanted to keep the rule as it is, pause buffering being disallowed, or debanning the method, allowing people to pause the game at any time for any reason. The result dropped a few months ago (lol I delayed this News way too much), and the "keep it" option beat the "deban" option, 124 to 85, 60% in favor of Pause Buffering being banned. Sadly I don't have access to the private server so idk how it turned out there but since I've heard nothing from them it's probably the same result I just told you. To sum up the thing, Justin paused to make his KC Glitch easier, it's banned so his runs using pause buffering are not taken into account anymore, he's not banned, we held a poll on whether or not we should unban pause buffering or not, the community decided to keep the rule as it is. Idk why but I feel like we're gonna meet up again in 3-4 years on the exact same topic and redo a poll on should we ban pausing On a more fun note AGDQ happened and Logan went there with Blake and ZeldaCubed to make a 32-track skips run, he finished in 1h10mins so yeah pretty good stuff, very nicely done. Anyway that's all for now, time for the part of the News that's gonna get me terminal brain cancer by age 25 if I keep doing it COUNTRY OF THE “MONTH”: Australia gets it because Mitch multiplied their activity by 5 and they were already very active in the first place, but since it’s been so long I actually want to also give it to Italy as they also were very active and are stepping up so much it would be a shame to not mention it. Players like Carlo, Nitrofox, obviously Jayu, and others have really brought their country to a level it had never been seen on before. TRACK OF THE “MONTH”: Congrats to Mushroom Peaks for winning this award! Truly the best track ever made. QUOTES OF THE “MONTH”: I’d rather someone steal my rizz than my jizz” - Logan Kebabby, August 29th, 2023 ”had a dream there was a new glitch called “““““orgy physics””””” where being bumped by players repeatedly caused you to gain ev” - BlackyBoi, October 12th, 2023 “We're all NPCs living in a world where Colin the Mega Mushroom is the main character” - Arthur’Oww, December 12th, 2023 ”free my boy kooper” - Nate Schultz, December 15th, 2023 ”bcwii geysers can be compared to your genitals, they can both erupt with some form of liquid” - Core, January 16th, 2024 ANCIENT QUOTE OF THE “MONTH”: "What does sub mean?" - Lowercaseletters, 2017 This News Update covers from July 16th, 2023 to January 31st, 2024. Say hello to the 22 new players we count for this month: L$AN (Orelsan) Panda Man (Cow Man's cousin) Abby (Each News we get someone whose name doesn't meet the length requirements) Herold (this one does tho) Owen Smith (rYF goat) Fireball (nice clash royale reference) Firefanged (there are now 4 people on the site with “fire” in their names, “water” people when tbh) Derpness (Minecraft pfp) Borat (bro is a literal film) Harry Eyers (surprisingly the only Harry on the site) Everett Vereen (unsurprisingly the only Everett on the site, never heard that name) DaBreeze (evolves at lvl 25 into DaWind) Shojiro (I see some great times on that timesheet that’s good) Leo Perna (already has a full timesheet, you love to see it) Dillon Karst (2 timesheeters in a row?! insane) JWR56 (Does not have 56 WRs) Dwt89_ (TWD98 alt) Hockeylord900 (Sounds like a Canadian name to me) Alex Croteau (Alex #18 on the site, an army is forming) John McArdle (Hello from SMK) Thomas Norton (Thomas #19 on the site, another army is forming) Due to me taking longer to write the News than Rockstar to release GTA 6 or girls to take the right selfie, the leaderboard has been a teamwork between almost every member of the PP’s staff. You’ll see stuff from me, Jayu, Ben and Hydr8ion, so have fun guessing who’s the writer behind each player’s paragraph, and enjoy this long overdue part! ...and let me live without the burden of the News on my shoulders please Your grandma knows them (Top 10) #1 (#1) Logan KEBABBY Made fun of MK8DX as I previously said, before entertaining us with a few more WRs, as I also previously said. Not World #1 for nothing. #3 (#4) Arvo Koskikallio this lad got so many PRs I can’t even talk about them all even though they're all cracked so all I'm gonna mention is that everyone’s favorite updater passed Gluesing in the blue charts to reclaim his Top 3 placement and that's pretty insane. He’s on a roll right now and it's well deserved, good job my man #4 (#14) Jack Gluesing got up to Top 3 last News cycle but was beaten by Arvo as we just said. He got a few PRs but half of them were in No-SC so the stats program didn’t give a single fuck about them. However I do, so beautiful Sherbey time, sir #5 (#10) Vincent Braixen, just like Jack, keeps his spot thanks to 2 PRs although these 2 actually made him cut AF because he made the glitch on RR with a 1:59/15.8 combo, nice way to cut spots to catch up on the others #6 (#17) Vincent Nguyen had all of his activity in July. WAIT. The red charts indicate some excellent times on RR! Unfortunately, those do not get mentioned in the news update because of irrelevance so I will mention his rDH shortcut times. Good job. #7 (#12) Mitchell Healy oh boy here we go. From #17 to this in just 6 months. 39 DIFFERENT CATEGORIES IMPROVED and that's only counting his Unrestricted timesheet because my stats page is an archaic fossil that was made in 1998!!! That’s probably the biggest step-up we’ve seen since Logan honestly. Highlights? Bro how can I even pick fucking highlights in this monstrous pile of PRs???? #8 (#5) Martin Fox played more TTs in these past 6 months than in the entire 2017-2020 era, I guess those mogis are becoming quite boring huh? He got great times on BC3 (12th), BC (7th) and TF (6th). Not too bad from the former World #1! #10 (#7) Bynt. GOT THE 2:16 ON BC3 LETS FUCKING GO I’m only mentioning that cuz this man had been on it for weeks having Don Capri-esque fails on the last straight lap 3, then finally pulled it off. Very happy for you man. They get recognized on the street (Top 50) #11 (#16) Thomas van Deerse bro played wtf I thought he was retired???? I mean I guess when you get kicked out of the top 10 you kinda want to get back on it, so he set one lonely PR of... Actually nevermind the Stats page pranked me his last time is from 2021 #17 (#21) Indy Kambeitz was mostly a glitcher during this time period but did get 1:49 on TF. While Indy was active, so was Indianapolis with the playing of the Big Ten championship, where Iowa got rekt by Michigan ;( #ToryTaylor4Heisman Sorry Weexy, back to your segment. He got a top 10 time on CM flap. #18 (#9) Eclipse got a 1:31.2 on rMC, a 59.0 on rYF, 42.4 on BC flap, and a 3lap and flap on TF sc. These prs helped him ECLIPSE into the #18 spot for Unrestricted. God I need to get some sleep #19 (#18) Dane Allen enters Top 20 with what looks like a PR dump, probably for the first time as well because I don’t recall seeing him in there? Good job if that's the case #20 (#8) Jay Rangthale dropped 2 spots but hey he improved his rPG so that’s cool I guess #22 (#31) Enzo Leussink played no glitch, getting a couple of pretty decent times, unfortunately he was not as fast as his competitor, Enzo Ferrari, acted by Adam Driver in the film Ferrari which came out on Christmas Day. #23 (#27) Jake Harrison popped in for a couple quick PRs, most notably getting 1:41 on rMR and a 1:22.0 on rSGB. Good stuff Mr. Canada. Unfortunately these PRs did not help Canada in the World Juniors where they lost to Czechia. Absolutely embarrassing. #26 (#30) Phyzothy only improved on BC Shortcut with a 2:10.8, dropped 2 spots, here’s your long-awaited News Update, sorry for the wait but you wouldn’t have made it into it if it weren’t delayed so badly lol #29 (#3) Luke Brown set two 3lap WRs during this time, on rBC and rBC3. More importantly, however, was his contribution to LC flap. He set a 21.590 using the bowser bike. It truly changed the category, making it significantly easier and faster. He also got the first God standard time on GV No-SC flap, completing one part of the bounty. #30 (#23) Kevin Miller played a couple of tracks to defend his spot as #1 Pennsylvania. He has completely revamped his timesheet on the red chart side this year, which is insanely impressive. #31 (#82) Ryley Carroll hey guys, I am also helping out a wee bit. I did some flapping, got a .4 on LC, finally got rid of my disgusting rPG rank, etc. I got ww tops on rDH back at a meetup. Maybe one day I’ll finally get RR glitch done and cut like 8 AF. #32 (#38) Danny BoyJAYU INVASION STARTS. Our Boy Danny Boy (i know) cut a ridiculous 21 AF from the previous update, with an insane fluk-2:19 on rBC glitch, which was of course world record at the time (waw), 1:40 on rWS glitch and 2:04 on KC glitch. this timesheet is making me emotional jesus christ, good job Danny keep up the gaming. #34 (#42) Shane Hogan Shane lost AF, point and laugh people. jokes aside the duck man didn’t play much but for how much he played, he PLAYED. My guy blessed us with 2 WRs on CM glitch flap (zapalapadawg really cut 2 ms in a span of 3 WRs), GV glitch almostER (get 15 bozo), a 1:47 on DKSC (actually cracked) and LC FLAP (nobody cares). #36 (#66) Exploder OK EXPLOSION COOKED. He cut more AF than Danny with a staggering 24, the highlights of his baking process were yet another rYF 58 (big shock huh) that got him to 3rd, 1:49.4 on DKS and 1:29.8 on DC. he almost completely revamped his timesheet in the last months, big congrats Exploder! #39 (N/A) Lawrence hohoho we got another glitch guy here, Lorenzo landed a 15.8 on KC glitch flap, that makes me timbers shiver, a 1:45.4 on box factory (that is pretty good), and a really classy 1:49 on the box factory without the box. #41 (#24) Shaun Tanney didn’t know he still played tts, he got a 1:49 on toddle’s factory too, great. i have nothing else to say other than END OF JAYU INVASION GOODBYE. #44 (#80) JAYOO …What just happened? I was gone eating the pizza Jayu sent me and now there’s stuff written everywhere here. Must’ve been the wind… Anyway, the frenchie’s back for some more updates. This guy I totally don’t know about sets multiple Flap WRs and holds the fastest lap in MKW History, quite nice, with those flap WRs also came a 17.312 3lap set on the last day of the update that’s 7th WW and 3rd EU so that’s pretty cool stuff as well from this lovely stranger! Also he made Parkway, TF and RR glitch, got a 59.3/18.4 duo on rYF (what the actual fuck), surely he must be pretty decent at this game but I can’t know every player sadly! #46 (#67) Nara Hiero breaks into Top 50 for this News Update while lowering his AF to below 100 for the first time in the process! The PRs that made it happen you may ask? Surprisingly, not much, just beating a few below-average times such as rBC, BC3 or …BC, the guy played all 3 BCs in a single month, that’s even crazier than the Top 50 if you ask me… Great progression I see there, surely there’s more to come! They're talked about (Top 100) #51 (#50) Will Marable Beat me on DC, rPG and fucking Moonview of all tracks, all within 2 months cuz he only played in October and November, and still managed to set times in rBC (also beats me), DKM Glitch (at least I don’t play that category) and CM Glitch (fucking annihilates me). Now if you may, I shall give the next portion of the News to my colleagues and friends while I’m crying in my bed because all my good times are sweeped like they’re nothing. See ya in a few minutes #54 (#59) Jyran Liebs had a couple of runs early in the period, but has gone absolute ham recently. He’s submitted a bunch of times over the last few days, like 1:43.8 on MH, sub 2:01 on rPG, and a ton of flaps. well done mr. australia wait a minute, he got 1:00 on rPB??? I didn’t even know that, good stuff #58 (#86) Jacob Loerzel is… TIED IN AF WITH JMM?? I have never ever seen this happen. It’ll surely not be the case for long, it may not even be the case when the News releases, so I just wanted to highlight that because it’s super cool. Also his DKJP WR turned 1000 days old this News cycle, time really flies. #60 (#51) Claus cut AF but gained 2 spots, womp womp #62 (#148) Intel Core as he always does demonstrates his insane glitch ability, pulling off improvements on RR, KC, and CM. Most importantly, however, was the fact that he hit a WR on rBC glitch! Great job! Also a lot of solid nosc improvements, well done Core! #63 (#125) Nate Schultz seems to be unfortunately running out of new somewhat easy glitches to do. Because of this, he has had to improvise, getting improvements on rPG, LC flap, etc… He also got tops on WGM glitch flap (and promptly had aaron w (big anti flap guy) to record it) #64 (#69) Ultra_Pear improved on rSGB and got an incredible 3rd ww time. Absolutely insane stuff to see. Later on in this time period, he worked on he timesheeted a bit, playing rDS, DKSC, and LC flap. Truly one of the players of the game. #69 (N/A) Bryce takes what once was Alberto’s property, the sought-after #69 spot… Maybe if you finished your No-SC timesheet you could get your hands on both titles and become the king of the Player’s Page??? Just saying… #75 (#11) Filler played MMM, TF and rPG during summer break, although his main PRs are probably gonna be on the Banana cup with rSL and rSGB from the same time period. Man improved to a 4th WW placement on both categories, with a 2:04.054 and a 1:21.522. With all these amazing PRs he may have gotten #10 for a short time during this News cycle, but I can’t and will never be able to know because my stats page is racist towards Non-SC people. As a frenchie I invite all of you to make a revolution against Penev so that he makes his stat page acknowledge the existence of a timesheet that’s been a thing since 2012. Free the Reds! #80 (#48) Mo No got a 2:22.4 on BC Non-SC, dipped, then came back 2 months later with a bangering 33.209 on my favorite category that is MH Flap. Couldn’t make me happier. #84 (#65) ArthurOww fuck you bitch no nice words for you that’s what you get for delaying the update. Now get back to work you stupid moron (post-production me here, yeah I wrote that, cuz I couldn’t find motivation to write anything and this time for once I was actually doing something so I didn’t wanna spend time writing useless stuff about a timesheet I already know for no one to fucking care because I’m barely average at this game… Wait hold on a damn minute) #90 (#47) Acquiesce started off the update strong with a PR on his Ace track, a 1:34.703 on rDH No-SC, Spear BKT taken from Cole ladies and gentlemen! Then, after some 1:13.011 on rPB (rip sub), 1:16.020 on MMM (sip rub), 1:09.245 on LC, he finished the year with a astonishing 35.522 on GV No-SC flap, probably trying to legally steal Hydr8ion’s money from the bounty he set up. He couldn’t do it tho cuz he got beaten by Luke. A real shame. #96 (N/A) Star Boi became a Star Man this update, getting a 3/3 signclip run on DKJP. He also worked on his KC, DDR, and MC glitch times. David Bowie would be proud. Specialists heard about them (Top 200) #101 (#105) Cederic will be a Top 100 player once he gets time to play, mark my words. I mean he’s like barely 2 AF away so it's pretty obvious but shhhh I’m still right. #104 (N/A) Franco only got 2 PRs, a 42.6 on WGM Glitch and a 2:08.4 on DKM, he only woke up from his MKW coma in late December tho so that explains it. I didn’t tell anyone, but I secretly waited for him to come back before writing the News so he didn’t miss any. Next up, I’m waiting until Totom comes back! #107 (#98) NITRO_FOX has been a man on a mission with the destination being the Top 100. He submitted an absolute crap ton of times to end the year, and has also submitted a few in January. These January times are the only non-December times on his timesheet. Very interesting. Congratulations on unlocking January mode. #109 (#92) Chloie how the hell do you beat 4 people with a 0.7 AF gain??? Hello??? #112 (#71) 2ndmatt still leaves me in disbelief as it’s now been more than 2 years that I see this name on the charts yet I cannot comprehend WHY did Bickbork choose this name lmao. Also it makes me think about Matt from Wii Sports whenever I read it so when I see Bickbork on Discord I just associate him to a chad. Yes it’s been like that for 2 years. #120 (#123) James Collins beat me on MH as did like 30% of the people I saw as beginners when I set my time. I should probably improve it… Anyway, the man was decently active as he got 9 PRs but he only cut .6 AF. Still good enough for 2 bops on the charts tho! #126 (#161) Carlo only got one PR so it’s gotta be a heavy hitting one, and it is as the italian got his 3rd WW top and 3rd CR with a 1:41.5 on MT Glitch. Boom. Unfortunate that Jayu left early cuz he would’ve said something funny in italian but since I can’t speak pasta I can’t make that type of joke. Porco Dio is all I can say. #135 (#91) Supreme has had a supreme end of 2023. Idek where to start with ur timesheet, but ur pretty cool. ur rMR time was really good #136 (#102) Mystogan became a nosc main. A lot of nosc times in the 100-200 placement range, well done m8 #141 (#111) Ben Hurley the idol of the people did the bare minimum to get in the News but it’s okay because it’s Ben fucking Hurley we’re talking about. He’s been chilling playing Zelda and Mario Wonder these past months because he has great taste and after that deserved break he’s now ready to roll on the track again. Best of luck bro! #142 (#112) Flooferdog floofed his floofy floof and floofed up a KC time in July to qualify for this update. o wait, u also did some red charts stuff. Unfortunately, I, Hydr8ion, do not take those into consideration when writing news sections. #143 (#99) Leon Bisschops literally copied Flooferdog, he had one PB in this 5 months and I still gotta write about him. Nice LC flap brother, got a nice 21. #151 (#113) Owen Smith timesheets his way onto the leaderboard! rYF might be your favorite, but plenty of other tracks are waiting for you to get great times on! #173 (#72) Fraterz overhauled over a �" of his timesheet, including like over half of his 3laps. 2:31 on rBC was one of them. #174 (N/A) Falco keeps duking it out with Yang. He set some strong times on TF and rPG. Please stop bing on rMC tho, I don’t need to see another Yang rMC video in my feed. #178 (N/A) Teonovi59 is back with some nice 3lap prs, most notable of which being his 1:49 on DDR. Pretty solid stuff, keep it up buttercup #181 (#154) Daniel W came out of an almost 16 month hibernation from his timesheet and pulls out 4 lap times, including a really nice top 70 MH flap. love to see it #188 (#141) Ben Brophy had a similar last four months of 2023 as his beloved Philadelphia Eagles. Started off strong in August only to slow things down later. Unfortunately, this message I wrote was proved wrong as Ben decided to use his abnormally long winter break to improve some times in rapid succession. I just have one question for you. Will you go for the 1:16. #191 (#197) Will Fury cut AF big time over the past mont- I mean trimest- I mean semester (fuck) as the man went from below Top 300 to well into Top 200 with a 128 AF cut. A 2^7 AF cut. A sqrt(16384) AF cut. A sqrt(2^14) AF c… Okay I get it enough with the math jokes. #194 (#153) Dylan Lepeirtz overhauled over half his timesheet in this news cycle. Bro got some nice times, 35.003 on CM is no joke. 2:28.5 is also like really impressive so yeah congrats #199 (#156) Ryan Lynch lynched some of his times and got some nice cuts. TF, DC 3lap, and rMR 3lap were all subject to his skills this cycle. #200 (#133) Spencer Sassak finally crosses the line of the Schultz and Hydr8ion AF war from 2020, dipping his toe in the top 200. His most notable improvements come on BC, where he hit a top 30 3lap and flap, finally hitting his goal of 2:10. He proves yet again that he is a true glitch kiddie. Bye Bye Jim Harbaugh At least their friend knows them (Top 300) #206 (#108) Pabloski has a cool name and some even cooler times. He got a 1:49 on TF (idk if its glitch or not but im not checking red charts at this ungodly hour - hydr8ion) a 1:09.3 on LC, and a 1:35.5 on RDH. The 1:09.3 on LC leads me to believe it’s a no glitch TF run, but im not sure #208 (#168) Silicosis continues his goals of removing the “ilic” out of his name and becoming Sosis. He set a ton of times through the past couple of months. Good for him. Only 188 spots to go! #212 (#103) Brian Lai more like brian slayyyyyyyyyyy amirite, BLCraft got a 1:09.5 on LC, nad a bunch of other really decent 3laps, come on tho, 2:19.4 on BC3, thats ranked 898 as of me writing this. u are better than this Mr. sLai #221 (N/A) Sam Fairless made RR glitch and improved his rSL glitch, and he got Wii Wheel European record on both 3laps. Pretty cool if you ask me #224 (N/A) Alex Bjorkman submitted a blue chart time for the first time since 2019. And what a way to make a comeback. Axe got a 1:18.3 on rMC3. Really solid stuff, glad to see you back! #225 (#166) ElecTrick got a handful of PRs to grab 10 spots with a 9.5 AF cut, good job Mr. Rainiosmile. Highlights are a 1:44.6/33.5 duo on MH (nice Legend D on the flap), a 2:04.1 on BC3 (beats me by a full second lmao) and a 2:23.4/46.7 duo on BC No-SC that’s his best ranked 3lap and 2nd best Flap, quite the show for quite the push. Top 200 is coming slowly but surely… #228 (#178) Jeroen Schepers improved his MG Glitch to a 46.4/13.5 in October, but also improved on Yoshi Falls Flap?? Now that’s a random category to PB in. He still got a decent time there with a 18.8 but all that wasn’t enough to prevent a .9 AF gain. #236 (N/A) Darien Bawpers only gets mentioned because he got 3rd Oceania on CM Glitch with a 33.3, nice job and thank you for giving me an easy time to write about you #238 (#146) Luca R only got one time as well (thank youuuuuu) and it’s also a banger (congraaaaaaaats) this time on KC No-Glitch with a 2:19.9. Hella impressive when you see the rest of your timesheet, congrats on the sub! #248 (#184) Zyxis I just noticed that name would be so OP in Scrabble it’s insane. The guy played BC3 Non-SC and rBC No-Glitch in September and finished with a 2:19.4 and a 2:33.7 respectively, along with the 2 mandatory flaps which are of the same level. All of his times are CR btw cuz he’s from North Macedonia (the Americans are balding just like their eagle). BC3 not being useful for Combined AF however, he ends up gaining 2.5 AF and losing 2 spots on the leaderboard. Sad. #251 (#167) Ragemodepigeon got a 1:43.8 on Raceway in August, dipped for the rest of the year, then surprised us with a big return in 2024 by setting 8 PRs on LC, DKS, BC Non-SC, rSL and rSGB in the span of a week. Brilliant start of the year right there. Much like his fellow updater ElecTrick he got his best for the News on BC with a 2:23.6/46.6 duo (your times are so similar lmao). I can also mention the 21.9 (nice sub) and the 25.5 (nice… non-sub) on LC and rSGB flaps getting onto Top 100. All of this made him barely fall short of Top 250, but with a month of January like his there’s no doubt he’ll get there by the next Update. Good luck lad! #270 (#195) Hockeylord900 isn’t from Canada but from the US?? With THIS name?? Oh well. He still timesheets and gets his first appearance in the News, enjoy the game! #271 (#158) Alex Friedman unloaded many times on August 31st, 2023. Did he set them all at once or were they set on one day? The world may never know. His accomplishments on this day will be honored with the dedication of National Vector Day for all future August 31sts. #279 (#226) Graden makes rSL glitch only to get a fucking 2:02 because he drowned twice on lap 3. Korben has found his successor. Next time, switch to magi, the glitch may be harder but at least you won’t be cursed! #292 (#185) Ivo Bril continues his journey to improve his timesheet in order of cups, and so this News cycle (I should rather say this August lol) the man improved his BC to a 2:23.270, it said .279 on his profile but then I checked the forum and it appears the parser tricked me and updated his time to be .009 slower and without the vid as well. I hate you parser. At least now it’s fixed lol. Anyway, he then tackled RR which doesn’t seem to fit him well, it’s his worst ranked time by a landslide (815th as I’m writing this) with a 2:37… We’ll see how he handles this obstacle when he comes back! #296 (#205) Woomy enters Top 300, AND GOT MG CANADA TOPS!!!! ROLL TIDE #297 (#245) Emil Lönquist has been on a long quest to improve his timesheet. Nice rYF time and nice entry in Top 300! #298 (#170) Anonymous idk who this is, but the anonymized name reminds me of the SMK players when Faizer was allowed on MKSC leaderboards, good times Who? (300+) #310 (#223) Ncsr. sounds like nascar. vroom vroom thats what he did on the racetrack, getting numerous pbs all over the mushroom kingdom. Out of the many times he submitted this period, every single on was either Hero or King standard. Very consistent. #335 (N/A) YangMK6 just made a bet with Falco that he'd beat all his times by 2033 so he went to work on some tracks. There’s a long way to go buttttt I think it can happen with the biggest will and dedication. GLHF on rWS tho lmao. #355 (#208) Pablo Hernangòmez you might have the most Hispanic name I have ever heard. I like it. #380 (#237) Greg Finke did some rYF stuff hittin a 59.140 and 18.493 on 3lap and flap. dont mess with texas #381 (#244) VNix. changed his discord pfp and was for a few weeks a completely different person, Flash McQueen the great Karter was no more, but now he’s back to normal again! I guess getting that Kart WR on DC with a 1:31.550 really made him say “I’m him”. He even beat the diddler, contributing in beating all of his KWRs. Truly a brave soldier. Ka-chow! #396 (#274) Leila FalB Massanova enters top 400 by getting a truckload of PRs in December, although the PR I’m gonna highlight is the Goldmine Glitch cuz it’s a 37.5 that’s her best ranked non-GV time, congrats! Top 400 isn’t the only thing FalB entered this News Cycle though as she’s now part of the mod team of the TT server, and needless to say she, alongside the other 2 people we hired, is doing a great job already. She also had a hard time understanding accents in french, but dw cause everyone does  #400 (N/A) Ryan Billingham comes back from the dead??? Because his last PR was in 2012??? And he comes back with a fucking 1:35.5 ON rDH NON-SC THAT MAKES SPEAR TOPS?????? i am losing it #405 (#252) Princessje11ybean got a 2:23.5 on BC3 Non-SC and a 1:33.1/16.2 on WGM Glitch in August then went back to being inactive. Okay I guess #410 (#236) Fireball Takes out the opponent’s King tower to join the battl- I mean the leaderboard, good luck on the charts! #411 (#232) Gus.. got some PRs worthy of his placement okay everything seems normal there’s that 1:33.3 on rMC that’s quite good and… 1:18.605 ON rMC3 WHAT okay I give up nothing makes sense in this game (go play DC or DKM please I beg you you’re great with Mach improve your timesheet) #414 (N/A) OrangeYoshi gets random times and then randomly I see a fucking 1:09.568 on LC how does this keep happening, and then I look closer and I see a fucking 2:28.8 ON RAINBOW ROAD I guess you learned Kart for this if so gj but how do y’all lower-ranked people do to get such times it’s ridiculous! #416 (#268) Chansey is still the tankiest memer on the public TT server and by a landslide. When are you gonna evolve tho, like it’s been 84 years and you’re still holding onto that eviolite set? I’m waiting for the glow up!! #480 (N/A) Jacob Desmond-Hooper must’ve gotta a new Wii as an early christmas gift because dude went ham in mid-late december, desmond hooper will be a december name remembered for the ages #514 (N/A) Russell Horwood comes back again after a full year to bring us a PR on… rDH flap. Apparently he made the glitch as well cuz his No-SC PR is slower, even though he’s not even in the Top 500, so congrats I guess?????? #531 (#287) Ashley Taylor swifts on the charts with 3 PRs and a 10 AF cut, nice pun from me tbh I’m proud of this one (hydr8ion commentary: nice one whoever wrote this joke, now i cant wait for the mk diehards to say there is too much taylor swift in this news update) #546 (#289) Cole Gate is probably an alternate universe version of Cole Gilbert that landed in our reality for some reason. He even got a time on RR this News Cycle, one of Gilbert’s best times, do you really think it is a coincidence??? Anyway, remember to brush your teeth before going to bed! #569 (#309) Mattinatorr O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all of us command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. #578 (#) Leo Perna finishes his timesheet and thus gets his placement, welcome to the charts! #614 (#321) Charles Schrader this name lowkey sounds familiar but i have no clue from where it would be from, hes from Michigan tho so i automatically hate him. Please assert that Michigan’s national championship should be revoked because of the sign stealing or face a one news update suspension (so like a 6 month suspension) #618 (#312) Tony Rolens timesheet (hydr8ion speaking, i thought the days of “timesheet” posts were gone…, unfortunate.) (Arthur replying, this is supposed to be a placeholder lmao) #635 (#323) Phenom set a time on Peach Gardens that has the standard “Int D.” That reminded me of Initial D - Running in the ‘90s. That is now stuck in my head. (update: i did some research, apparently that is an anime, i just knew the song from the meme, i promise im not a weeb aaron) #638 (N/A) Robert Mc Kinnon why is he on here, he didnt set a single time in this cycle. nice mksc tas #646 (#327) MashingSapphic idk what ur name means but i like it; she submitted a ton of times throughout November and one in January, mostly in the Apprentice standard. Very nice work, excited to see where you go with the game! #663 (#331) Jack Sahaida submitted some times in August and December, but one of his times is ranked 690th, so im gonna bring that one up. #685 (#343) Lowercase got an emote named after himself in the TT server because I felt like it and is now in my mod team, yay (hydr8ion speaking, Arthur this is really all u wrote, ur so lazy, why does the news update take so long) (Arthur responding, this was supposed to be a start for his part because I thought of it while setting up the leaderboard lmao, I bet you found it funny too so I’m keeping it) #724 (#367) Justin JJ Morris literally has one of the coolest names i’ve ever seen. JJJM are nice initials, reminds me of JMM. Potential future Portuguese glitch kiddie rising the ranks? Maybe not, as I don’t believe Indiana is in the USA. oh yeah, mario kart wii, nice times #725 (#378) Liam Barr is the better Liam. Liam Ashcroft could never. #740 (#382) Dillon Karst timesheets his way onto the leaderboard, have a nice time karting with us! #767 (#405) John McArdle of the UK finishes his timesheet and also finishes the leaderboard for this update, welcome to the charts! FINALLY. Only a couple more things and this update is DONE. Procrastination never serves you right Karters, if you need to remember one thing from this shitload of words that’s this sentence right there. Delaying the update only gave me more work to do, and more stress and anxiety thinking about this update to the point where I sometimes doubted my ability to take care of it. Turns out I've finished it, and I couldn't be happier. I’m deeply sorry to all of you that expected and anticipated this News, this should be a monthly update and never should it remain silent for over 6 months like it just did. I sincerely hope you enjoyed this one, hopefully the next one arrives shortly after… Take care everyone. I love all of you who are keeping this game and this site alive and well. I hope it never dies. See you on the race track my friends ^^ Take a closer look at this month’s Site Records: Luke Brown beat the old Luigi Circuit lap time of 0'21"682 with a time of: 0'21"590 Jay Rangthale beat the old Moo Moo Meadows crs time of 1'15"321 with a time of: 1'15"273 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Toad's Factory crs time of 1'44"308 with a time of: 1'44"178 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Toad's Factory lap time of 0'31"770 with a time of: 0'31"592 Keita beat the old Mario Circuit crs time of 0'47"583 with a time of: 0'46"553 Shane Hogan beat the old Coconut Mall lap time of 0'04"122 with a time of: 0'04"120 Blake Germany beat the old DK's Snowboard Cross lap time of 0'33"758 with a time of: 0'33"741 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Daisy Circuit crs time of 1'28"424 with a time of: 1'28"372 Lawrence beat the old Koopa Cape lap time of 0'15"932 with a time of: 0'15"854 Carter Clem beat the old Maple Treeway lap time of 0'23"692 with a time of: 0'23"608 JAYOO beat the old Grumble Volcano lap time of 0'02"872 with a time of: 0'02"785 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Dry Dry Ruins lap time of 0'32"492 with a time of: 0'32"491 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Moonview Highway crs time of 1'42"987 with a time of: 1'42"872 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Moonview Highway lap time of 0'33"000 with a time of: 0'32"991 Alex Shoal beat the old Bowser's Castle lap time of 0'41"885 with a time of: 0'41"722 Vincent Nguyen beat the old Rainbow Road lap time of 0'14"711 with a time of: 0'14"675 Justin Hitchcock beat the old DS Desert Hills crs time of 1'30"990 with a time of: 1'30"603 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old GCN Mario Circuit crs time of 1'30"224 with a time of: 1'29"945 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old GCN Mario Circuit lap time of 0'27"191 with a time of: 0'27"105 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old N64 Bowser's Castle crs time of 2'20"584 with a time of: 2'17"997 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old N64 Bowser's Castle lap time of 0'32"459 with a time of: 0'29"752 No-Glitch: LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Toad’s Factory crs time of 1’49”074 with a time of 1’49”039 Jack Gluesing beat the old Toad’s Factory lap time of 34”819 with a time of 34”806 Vincent Braixen beat the old Coconut Mall crs time of 1’55”412 with a time of 1’55”264 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Koopa Cape lap time of 43”726 with a time of 43”678 Luke Brown beat the old Grumble Volcano lap time of 35”530 with a time of 35”486 Fraterz beat the old Bowser’s Castle lap time of 45”903 with a time of 45”760 Luke Brown beat the old GBA Bowser Castle 3 crs time of 2’16”222 with a time of 2’16”183 2ndmatt beat the old GCN Mario Circuit lap time of 28”451 with a time of 28”324 Luke Brown beat the old N64 Bowser’s Castle crs time of 2’30”582 with a time of 2’30”573 PLAYER AWARDS: Oh boy here we go playing catch up again Player of the Week: - May 1 : Nobody - May 2: Arthur'Oww happy birthday me I'm officially a french adult (we don't have the stats for May and literally nothing happened sorry to improvise) - May 3: Nobody - May 4: Lawrence for 2 WRs on KC Glitch - June 1 : Darien Bawpers for getting up to 3rd Oceania on CM Glitch with a 33.3, beating Mitch in the process - June 2: Nara Hiero for getting a new WR on MG Glitch, beating Justin's 1000+ days old WR with a 3.771 (.116 cut) - June 3: Danny Boy for getting his maiden WR on RR with the first ever 2/3 glitch run - June 4: Keita for cutting more than .6 off of his own MC Glitch WR to a 46.553 - July 1 : JAYOO for his pretty rDH times in both Combined and No-SC - July 2: Hydr8ion for making a 12 minute video on how he pranked Bickbork by deleting his 1:30 on rMC - July 3: Ultra_Pear for getting an amazing 3rd WW placement on rSGB Glitch, his best-ever placement - July 4: Luke Brown for getting the 1st Flame Runner WR on LC Flap using the ramp - August 1 : Arthur'Oww for not dying of an unknown disease (unlike the stats page during this week, hence why the award) and actually getting a decent placement at his local Smash Bros tournament - August 2: Ryan Lynch for breaking into Top 200 - August 3: LOGAN KEBABBY for saving the month with the only 3lap WR on TF No-SC and for getting 3 Flap WRs on 3 different categories on the same day - August 4: Carter Clem for getting his 2nd Flap WR ever, improving on MT Glitch - September 1 : Arthur'Oww (for real this time) for getting from a 59.997 to a 59.466 on rYF, from one of his worst times and tracks to one of his best - September 2: Arvo Koskikallio for a cool 1:48.9 on DKSC, he was balling that week - September 3: Fraterz for getting his maiden Flap WR on BC Non-SC, smashing Justin's time by .143 to get a 45.760 - September 4: LOGAN KEBABBY for breaking the 1:30 barrier on rMC Glitch with a 1:29.945 - October 1 : Danny Boy for getting his 2nd-ever WR, on rBC Glitch - October 2: Falco for getting his first Flap WR on his Ace track rWS with a 35.132 while beating Justin's 1000+ days old time - October 3: Shane Hogan for getting 2 WRs on CM Glitch... And cutting 2 milliseconds with those 2 records - October 4: LOGAN KEBABBY for his 1:42.8 on MH - November 1: Spencer Sassak for getting Top 200 in Unrestricted - November 2: Arvo Koskikallio for overtaking Jack Gluesing to reclaim his #3 placement (if Jack G has one fan, it's him) - November 3: VNix. for getting his 2nd Kart WR, on DC, being a multi-KWR holder for the first time - November 4: Nara Hiero for reaching Top 50 of the first time with a good set of PRs - December 1: JAYOO for gaming on the GV rock (he got 3 Flap WRs) - December 2: Vincent Braixen for carrying the WR scene with a 5 PR streak on CM No-Glitch from a 1:55.360 to a 1:55.264 - December 3: Aaron_W for the stormblitz google doc - December 4: Owen Smith for getting his long-awaited WW Top on rYF and giving us the biggest popoff of the year alongside it - January 1: Arvo Koskikallio for accomplishing his destiny and breaking the unbreakable tie between him and Wiilord95 on MC No-Glitch (this historical era will never be forgotten) - January 2: Alex Shoal for pioneering in 2024 and getting Flap WR on BC Shortcut using the Spear and the new ending shortcut - January 3: Blake Germany for commenting Logan's run at AGDQ 2024 (ZCubed isn't on the site to also claim this award sadly) - January 4: Arthur'Oww for doing a 6.5 hours long stream to write the News Update, as his first ever stream (Jayu said it was the best stream to put as a background) Player of the Month: - May: Will Marable for his AF cuts, we don't have the numbers because this is written in January and the stats page has archived them sorry - June: 2ndmatt for winning the Master's Tour (he beat Nota 5-0 in the final cuz he didn't submit anything) - July: JAYOO for great AF cuts and great Non-SC times, proving that the lad could actually drive, that put him in Top 50 Unrestricted - August: Exploder for a PR streak that granted him a Top 50 placement and a 10 AF cut - September: Will Fury for his AF cuts (this is becoming redundant) jumping from #245 to #199 with a 41 AF cut - October: Mitchell Healy for getting up to the Top 10 in the Combined AF charts - November: YangMK6 for betting with Falco and thus embarking in a 10-year long journey to beat him on 32/32 tracks (bro really wants his money) - December: NITROFOX setting PRs left and right and climbing the charts like crazy (from #182 to #119 with 28 PRs and a 72 AF cut) - January: Jyran Liebs for being on a roll with PRs and breaking into Top 50 Combined Player of the Quarter: - 2nd Quarter (April-June): LOGAN KEBABBY for being the undisputed World #1, in a trimester where many players shined briefly he was the one to remain at the top at all times. He set WRs every month. - 3rd Quarter (July-September): Mitchell Healy for climbing the ranks at light speed to establish himself among the best players in the world and the undisputed best of his continent - 4th Quarter (October-December): Arvo Koskikallio for getting more PRs than ever, cutting AF even though he's #3 in the world, and anchor himself even more in the MKW hall of fame MEMES OF THE “MONTH”: That's right since we left you with no meme of the month for so long you get 2 memes of the month how cool is that   - Arthur’Oww, yours truly, helped graciously by his fellow coworkers in Ben Hurley, Jayu and Hydr8ion. |
Read this sentence to die instantly you stupid moronArvo @ Saturday, July 15th 06:23PM [link] |
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| Hello. Did you miss me? It is once again time to spend once of my fleeting vacation days roasting the entire community, further wasting my limited time on this earth. First of all I would like to say that I have not read a single news update this past year because everyone writes fucking boring news except me. I am far more creative, witty, funny than all of you, and still so humble and down to earth with no ego problems what so ever. To restrain my urge to type multiple racial slurs in a row into this part of the news update I think it's best to just list off the old boring WR stuff before my ghost uploading privileges gets taken away by the MKW new world order (spoiler: the jews control CTGP) Kasey improved his rPG by a tiny bit but we all know that it would still be a spear track if it wasn't for nintendo's hatred of automatic and knowingly creating stupid chain chomp cycles, not a real WR in my book Logan got 3 WRs. Very impressive since he said he would quit 3 years ago to pursue a college degree. Very peculiar indeed! Some random child using the wii wheel got WGM glitch wr Luke (Most washed up player in MKW history) used a new strat that saves .150 a lap to barely get a WR on BC3 that lasted like 3 weeks lololol Vincent N was grinding the new RR glitch until Neptune (yes I am deadnaming him, his new name is stupid) got a 2/3 run. He will truly go down in MKW WR history as a revolutionary player as the likes of Konata, 4vex and Arvo. (Randoms who fluked a WR and nobody will know who they are in 5 years) Sosis got a few MMM wrs to make ZeldaCubed cry (he will never get a WR) kei pushed MC so far that Logan will never get that WR again, respect Braixen's paranoia of not having the CM glitch WR took over him and he just had to get another one. Bro like nobody else has even tried the new thing you don't have to stress so much Oh yeah and Lawrence got KC glitch WR but everyone knows that glitch doesn't count Kierio04 uploaded a stupid youtube short that contained false information There is a player on the site called "FEET TOES". I just want everyone to let that sink in for a moment. Ok yeah that was pretty boring but give me a break I'm old and out of touch and these news updates can't write themselves (actually we did some tests with ChatGPT and I think they probably can write themselves soon) Let me do some of these sections that the new kids added Anniversaries July 15 1799 - The Rosetta Stone is found in the Egyptian village of Rosetta by French Captain Pierre-François Bouchard during Napoleon's Egyptian Campaign. July 15 1941 - Nazi Germany begins the deportation of 100,000 Jews from the occupied Netherlands to extermination camps. July 15 1983 - Nintendo released the Famicom in Japan. July 15 2006 - Twitter, later one of the largest social media platforms in the world, is launched. The end of the world is put into motion. July 15 2012 - South Korean rapper Psy releases his hit single Gangnam Style. COUNTRY OF THE MONTH: Russia because you know we all love Russia! Woo!!! Congratulations Russia!!! TRACK OF THE MONTH: rWS because I went on random.org and had it choose the track of the month and it chose rWS QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “MKW is the lowest skill to acknowledgement ratio of any speedgame I've ever seen” ZeldaCubed, June 25th, 2023 ANCIENT QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “Some days had been rough for me last year and something that really put a smile on my face was watching CP videos at night.” SpicyDorito08, March 16th 2021 BIBLE QUOTE OF THE MONTH: "Permit no woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she is to keep silent." 1 Timothy 2:12 This news update covers from 1 May 2023 to 15 July 2023 New Players: Razz. (i recognize this name from mogi lounge so safe to assume he's a virgin) Rey00 (only played 2 tracks apparently) Cqrt3r (i have no comment about this username choice) Gus.. (Mf wanted to be called Gus so bad he used 2 DOTS FOR THE 5 CHAR LIMIT) Liam Barr (The new Paul Allain) Top 10 #4 Arvo Koskikallio Yeah you know we at the top!!!! I played some rSL thanks to inspiration from Aura. He might have outmatched me but we're both on regs now so I am happy. Then did some GV glitch and got a time, DKS flap also and got WW tops after about 73 hours of attempts, 3lap coming soon (not soon at all) #3 Jack Gluesing He might be ahead of me on the AF charts but this is my news update and I choose who's on the top!!!! He played like a million things and completely destroyed my podium position. Some of the highlights were making the RR glitch and falling off afterwards Korben style. Also got a 1:58.3 BC3 sc which is just fucking nuts what the hell. I could go on for so long with the praise but I will just say that you're a god damn monster at this game, may the rate of your progress be everlasting. Check again next year and I will put you ahead of me in the next news update I write, that's a promise #5 Vincent Braixen Yeah he got that cm thing #6 Vincent Nguyen is a better man than me for 1:15 MMM, also the previously mentioned RR glitch and also 1:58.5 BC3 how is everyone so good at BC3 all of a sudden also 2:27 RR, I wonder if thats with the Twinkle Star idk cba to check. Then he also made rWS glitch. I need to move on to someone else because I'm getting too jealous at godlike abilities on categories I am god awful at 11-25 #16 Indy Kambeitz is like, getting some times including a 1:50.6 on rWS. weexy #17 Mitchell Healy got a 1:49.827 on rWS glitch. Everybody laugh. #18 Jay Rangthale yeah the MMM stuff you know it already #19 Eclipse let's look at the definition of Fatality's fancy new name! Eclipse: A falling into obscurity or decline, also: the state of being eclipsed. "His reputation has fallen into eclipse." yeah sounds about right he didn't really get anything that good #20 Doge. TF 1:49 quite tasty, other times weren't tasty enough to note down #23 Dane Allen TF 1:49 aswell!!! But unfortunately runs into the same issue as Doge. #25 Jake Harrison got a 1:48.2 and was so embarrassed that the vid of it is unlisted. You need to work on your confidence buddy 25-50 #26 Ross Coleman bruh what year is it, this dinosaur still plays? Yeah he's washed as hell what are these random times #29 Kevin Miller had to suffer the terrible fate of receiving messages from lowercaseletters just so he can relay them onto me (still not sure why) MKW-wise he got nice subs on RR and rSL flap. Congratulations! #30 Luke Brown other than the previously mentioned he got a 1:09.287 on LC with the bowser bike. Jokes aside that's absolutely fucking nuts #36 Ryley Carroll dude literally drove a 1:49.2 on TF glitch 3 days ago to get a news update mention. He couldn't play for months due to unbelievable grief from Sanna Marin losing the Finnish prime minister title so it's fair, hope you're coping. #40 Jacob Fitzgibbon played some cheeky LC but mostly spent the months looking up obscure sports facts #43 Neptune got RR 2/3 of course, also he got rWS 1:50.7, LC 1:09.5 and TF 1:50.9. I made those last 3 up, sorry about that #44 Lawrence got a run on RR glitch (wow what a surprise) and CM glitch and KC glitch and TF glitch flap. Wait wtf he also got 1:15 on MMM. So he can play something else than glitches i am shocked 51-100 #53 JAYOO, the proud holder of the fastest lap in MKW history got MC 50.3 (wow!) and CM 33.2 (wow!) and GV2 glitch 52.4 (fuck you) and rDH 1:33.9 (just kidding) and 2:00 rPG (also kidding) #54 JMM435 got a 1:57.7 on CM. Knowing JMM i am sure he did infi tricks in this run #55 Exploder got PR's on like 90% of the tracks there aint no way in hell im going throuh allat #58 Claus got a 2:05 on MT in the year of our lord 2023. Dude you gotta get with the times and get on that 2/3 game (inb4 that is a 2/3 run) #60 Alex Shoal made his annual return to prove to everyone and he's still got it and the arthritis has not completely destroyed his frail joins yet. He got WW tops on rSL. You can just tell from his timesheet that he is 40 years old since he still doesn't have a BC3 no sc time over a decade after it became a recognized category #72 Nara Hiero did what #72 Nara Hiero does best, randomly getting a WR on a sub-5 second flap category. This time it was on MG. You can tell tiktok has ruined his attention span just by looking at his top times, man can't concentrate on driving for more than 5 seconds. He also got a time on WGM glitch flap but that is a whopping 9 seconds long so it was only ww tops. #78 Nathan Socholotiuk had himself a sub session, getting 1:51 rWS, 2:13 BC glitch, 2:22 BC ng and TF 1:50. If you can't sub what's even the point of playing anything. #80 Mo No finally got his 1:49 TF, skipping .9 altogether. Divine justice for him. #90 Idriz is one of the players of all time. His nearly 450-year old comeback after getting 1:17.5 on MMM back in 1547 is completely out of this world. Getting a 2:06.5 rDS in 1994 really put him on the map, but the fact he is still getting times nearly 5 centuries after getting into MKW is something else. #100 Acquiesce is one of the great artists of the game. His tormented soul weeps for recognition that often slips through his fingers. This time his sorrow-filled driving lead to a 1:21.960 on MC and a 59.194 on rYF. I sympathise with you my brother-in-arms, for this game is a mere repressed memory within your deepest desires. The players that are starting to get hard to write about #103 Franco cheeky old 2:12.5 bc and 2:30 rr #106 Cederic rank 69 on rSL glitch haha #124 Jadid got 2 times that don't make the top 150. Literally what do you want me to say #126 James Collins ok shit there's a ton of vids I can say something funny here! OK his TF 1:52.0 description says he really likes the bgm he used but he didn't like enough to say what song it was. Thanks. Also there is an error message at the end of the video that I've never seen before. Thank you ObeisantBug 3808 (fuckin Cicada 3301 ass username) #138 Flooferdog 1:16.7 MMM. First sub? Don't know. Leave a video response telling us if it is. #154 Mystogan oshit 1:50 WGM that's pretty dope also 1:16.911 on MMM never forget #164 Supreme prince viktor #172 Kenny M got 1:50.944 #181 Evil Tyler Blevins GOT THE BIGGEST AF CUT! HOLY SHIT! LETS GO EVILNINJA! YOU ARE WINNER! #183 Kenneth Bernales omg yes this is the guy who has never glitched in his entire life except that one time on GV and even then he didn't get a flap, only 3lap. Yeah he got DDR 1:51.6 thats amazing #187 Teovoni69 1:44 mh and other selected times of june 2023 #193 Fraterz you know what these times aren't even bad I cant even hate on you. still aint mentioning them tho #195 Falco 2:18.7 KC holy fuck a highly ranked time #197 Troy Howard didn't do anything but I love rhodechill so much that I have to include him The players that I truly can't say anything about so I'm just on autopilot #201 Ryan Lynch got 1:59 CM. Probably had it before. Don't know. #203 Ben Brophy plays americ anfootball and got 2:18.7 thats pretty ok like i think #205 Shawn Berry 2:04.6 rSL and 1:49.2 rWS. I love you Shawn, even if you are from Ohio. #214 Xenophobia got a random ass DKJP flap 2 days after the last news update, I permit you to set another time now. #216 Sam Fairless wtf kinda boomer names do I see this news update. Oh yeah the new RR glitch, ofc he made that #217 Jeff Z has some of the best stream titles ive ever seen but he is not that good at LC, only 1:09.8. gotta be faster than that, superior bozo #219 Spencer Sassak this dude really made a vid for a 2:06.8 rDS but not 2:11.2 BCWii glitch #231 Brian Lai oh yeah BLCRAFT the WGM guy, he got 1:51.1 on WGM. #235 ElecTrick's profile picture may be permanently burned into my retinas but I've already forgot the times he got and I haven't even checked them yet #253 Silicosis, Silly Sosis. Willy Moses, Billy Doses. Yeah he got sub 2 on dkjp glitch can you tell that I have 0 will to keep on writing this news update yet #259 Ragemodepigeon omg i love ragemodepigeon he got 34 on CM glitch thats actually pretty good gogo Finding #278 Neemo's times: he got times many times #279 Dylan Lepeirtz ALRIGHT HOLD THE PHONE. 1:10.2 ON LC. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. #287 Graden haha 17.069 gv2 flap #293 Ivo Bril dude got a 1:45.1 on MH and wrote a description that was so long that it had to be continued in not 1, but 2 comments. I can't even knock that, that is the most alpha thing I've ever seen #299 Anonymous is doing a good job staying anonymous by finishing a timesheet of times that do not stick out what so ever #302 Woomy why is his new DKS flap like miles better than all his other times other than the 1:22.1 MC that he also got and definitely does ramp 3/3 #308 Emil Lönquist lives in sweden and because of that I am tempted to leave him out of this news update but he did get 59 on rYF so I'll give him a break ok hello I'm back I took an 8 hour break from writing because it was boring it is now 3 am and i will finish it #310 Will Fury man got 1:10.001 on LC massive rip bozo #330 Ncsr. didn't get anything of note #379 Greg Finke omg there is a commentary of his new 59.2 rYF i need to watch this, man you gotta hop earlier into the last boost panel, very nasty momentum loss there, good shit tho #1 LOGAN KEBABBY he got some times or something idk #402 .VNix RR main but no new RR times, nothing special #410 Gus.. finished his timesheet. cool beans gustavo #411 Leila FalB Massanova got a DKM pb peggio della maralia, sta run è ingurdabile! #430 Chansey got 1:20 on MC glitch #556 Ruben Cauchon got a 2:19 on DKJP and the video has an overlay with his MK64 DKJP time, true alpha hours #587 Mattinatorr set some crazy times in May and BOOOOOM July comeback with a 1:24.7 on MC what a hero #626 Charles Schrader even got a run in the top 400!!! (bc3 flap) #636 Phenom also got a top 400 bc3 flap but not as good. #661 Maya Taylor WITH AN INCREDIBLE #373 BC3 FLAP #681 Lowercase #723 Flora Novia just barely missed out on top 1000 on DC #734 Liam Barr has a god time on his timesheet. Better than Liam Ashcroft Site Records: Jay Rangthale beat the old Moo Moo Meadows crs time of 1'15"375 with a time of: 1'15"321 Nara Hiero beat the old Mushroom Gorge lap time of 0'03"887 with a time of: 0'03"771 Vincent Braixen beat the old Coconut Mall crs time of 0'26"106 with a time of: 0'25"145 Lawrence beat the old Koopa Cape crs time of 1'56"276 with a time of: 1'55"250 Lawrence beat the old Koopa Cape lap time of 0'16"262 with a time of: 0'15"932 Neptune beat the old Rainbow Road crs time of 1'56"554 with a time of: 1'24"751 Neptune beat the old Rainbow Road lap time of 0'14"976 with a time of: 0'14"711 No Glitch: LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old GBA Bowser Castle 3 no glitch time of 2'16"366 with a time of: 2'16"222 So yeah even though this site is basically dead and the world is crumbling, there is still some laughs to be had. Remember to rate this news update 5 stars, especially for how informative it was about letting the reader know about all the times that were hit. See you next year if I'm still alive with a news update even more lazily written than this one (if you can believe it) Meme of the month: - Arvo |
A Month for the Old HeadsUltra_Pear @ Monday, May 15th 04:30PM [link] |
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| Posted by Ultra_Pear, written by Ben H. All praise, complaints, and lawsuits must be directed in the direction of Ben H, Ultra_Pear has done nothing to prove he is worthy of your praise, complaints, or lawsuits in this news update. (This paragraph was written by Ben Hurley gang) Sup dickheads and dickfeet (or whatever tf Arthur calls y’all), it’s everyone’s favorite Ben (the Hurley kind, not the Brophy kind), and I’ll be taking care of this here news update. A lot happened this month in terms of the time trial scene. We’ve seen a three-peat of months this year with 13+ records each, something that hasn’t been done since 2012. However, I’d like to start off this news by dedicating it to two special players that have been at the top of their games for a long time, two we call “Legend”, Nick Meade and Caleb House. Nick achieved a goal everyone in the community has been rooting for him to get for ten years, the legendary 2:30 on rBC no glitch. He announced his achievement in a twitter post where he said “I am gonna drink water so mf hard rn.” followed by a lone screenshot of Funky Kong on lap 4, and a time that read “2:30.998”. For the last several years, Nick has cheered for us on our time trial journey’s, picking us up when we fell down, and being one of the most positive people this community will ever see, even though he has only seen a handful of pbs on his own. This time, Nick, we, the time trial community, cheered for you, and we are so proud of you for your perseverance, and for setting an example that no matter how long you’ve played the game, old dogs can still do tricks that they could’ve done 10 years ago if they had just not quit the game. That’s how the saying goes, right? And of course, our friend RAF Guy, aka Caleb House, announced his retirement after dominating the game for nearly a decade. Two years ago, in April of 2021, Caleb destroyed Mario Circuit no glitch with a time of 1:20.357, which absolutely shook the community. It inspired me to get a 1:22 that day, which took me approximately 3 hours because I was refusing to just simply do 1-0-2 to avoid the chain chomp lap 3 (I eventually caved). He also set potentially the final sub 1:00 time this game will ever see (come on RR…) on rPB last September. I’d love to go through all of the history Caleb set, but we’d be here till the day he pulls the “I’m back.” card out. This past month, he decided he wanted to spend more time with God, among other things (even though he's literally right next to you when you’re playing), and call it a career. Caleb, you’ve reminded us that we all grow out of mario kart eventually, no matter how good we are, and we wish you the best of luck in your life journey. And now onto the shit you expected The master’s tour (Arthur bang ding ‘Oww’s discord competition) will not be covered, as I do not give a single flying or walking fuck as to what happens. I will say that Shane dropped out (he’d rather play minecraft, what a fucking weirdo) which led to Bickbork getting a spot in the finals. I don’t wish luck to anyone in this competition. Project Sanbo has continued to run and they are still having problems… it’s almost as if the channel just came out. This is something I do care about, and I encourage all time trailers to give online TT lounge a shot, it’s such a fun gamemode that deserves so much more activity than it gets. The more activity we see, the better the experience will be made for everyone. I didn’t get to play as much last month, but activity is on the rise, and if OTT can keep an active community I think the amount of OTT competitions and prizes for winning those competitions will only become more frequent, and bigger. Please, Troy, do ONE online TT knockout, bring Nick along, give us the publicity we deserve. Also two brand new ultras were discovered, more on that later. Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the World Records. Sponsored by your mother. (yes, you, the person reading this, your mother sponsored my news update, go ask her she’ll tell you yes) We start our journey through the month of April with activity on Rainbow Road (Glitch). Nara set his first world record with a time of 1:56.681, a record by 0.009. Massively well deserved but, Nara, dude, it’s a glitch not called GV or CM, maybe next time don’t fuck up the halfpipe and squeeze some more juice out. Gotta give credit where credit is due, a record is a record, Nara, and no one can take that away from you…except Exploder who got a 1:56.554 (-0.127) a week later. Gotta wonder when he’ll just say “fuck it” and “explode” for a 2/3. I’d rather have Nara or Justin get it tho bc the Europeans don’t deserve to have that on us. Congrats to both of you, especially Nara on that first record, and good luck on future improvements. Moving on, Logan has continued striving for white supremacy over the WR scene by knocking off a (Luke) Brown person on Koopa Cape no-sc, by 0.043, with a time of 2:17.176. Logan decided after a mogi event or some shit that he wanted to get a PB on the category and of course, in typical Logan fashion, he pulled a record out of his ass. I think he may have put 30 minutes into the track before this session because I literally can’t remember another day of him playing the category. Good luck on the 2:16 Logan, Luke, Jongwoo, and/or anyone else who grinds for it. Will we see a 2:15 in the distant future? LOGAN LOST A WR EVERYONE CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!1! Everyone’s favorite Austrian, Alperen (some call him Peter) got WR on MG no-sc by 0.078, with a time of 1:40.502. The funniest thing about this is that when I first joined the community Blaze’s 1:41.256 was seen as one of the strongest WRs in the game, and now three years later it’s been beaten by over .7 because of hopless gap, and now the new boost panel strat after the second mushroom section. Alperen will probably go back to TF no-sc (he thinks there’s two tracks in the game) so good luck to you there, but also good luck to you and anyone else looking to take this time down, it’s crazy that we might be seeing low 1:40s in the future. I was really looking forward to talking about this one. WGM glitch is next up on our list, which means it’s time to talk about another old head that triumphed this month…what’s that? oh, yeah, RAY GOT HIS FIRST WORLD RECORD FIRST OMG WE’RE SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!! With a time of 31.755, by one millisecond, by the cock of his balls he got it. Who doesn’t love the occasional W3R that is also the actual record? The wii wheel proves once again that while it may be inferior, it is still inferior, because Poyo beat him anyways, with a time of 31.725 (-0.030). Poyo, as most of the community knows by now, was the first player to ever make 3/3 pipe bounces, way back in March 2009. He returned for not one, not two, but for THREE new records on WGM last year before being beaten by Logan in March. Poyo joins the list of older players that took big steps last month, but I have a feeling he won’t be the last one I talk about… Our next record brings the heat (it’s desert hills, I had to make the joke I’m sorry y’all have no idea how hard I’m laughing rn). We saw two improvements on rDH no-sc, both by Sosis. Sosis achieved a time of 1:34.368 (-0.013) where he got two lucky cuts, but that isn’t enough, he wanted three. Ten days later, Sosis blew everyone’s mind, with a 3/3 wheelie cut run, and a time of 1:34.237, a massive cut of 0.131. Absolutely insane to see a run with three lucky's, Sosis deserves this one. 1:33 is most certainly doable, but is that something Sosis is willing to push for? What about Braixen? It will be interesting, good luck to anyone willing to grind for that goal, but a 3/3 lucky cut is a huge achievement regardless. I’ve had enough of the heat, let’s go back to Koopa Cape. This time for the glitch, I wanna go skinny dipping. Kei beat Lawrence with a time of 1:56.276, a cut of 0.195. How tf is this the largest cut I’ve talked about? I wanna see some juice squeezed out in May. Massive congrats to Kei, this looks like torture to play as it is. This has been another one that’s been fun to watch go down. From Logan WR farming last summer to Justin shutting him up with the new glitch strat, to Lawrence and Kei battling it out doing the glitch on lap 2. Congrats Kei! Gotta wonder how realistic a 2/3 here could be as well…good luck Kei and Lawrence, things might get interesting soon, if they aren’t already. Oh fuck, the desert again. Logan finally gets the time he’s somewhat satisfied with on DDR, beating Justin, who is probably theorizing an ultra shortcut on rMC3. Logan got a 1:46.748 (-0.093) first, but that lasted just over a week, before he completely destroyed the category. Logan went on to skip 1:46.6, .5, and almost .4, with a time of 1:46.400. What. a. run. One of the most tech heavy tracks in the game finally gets it’s big record, this is one that could last for a bit if Logan or Justin don’t pick it up again. They both agree that a 1:45 will be done humanly at some point, but it will likely take new strats. Is it time to start going inside the tree on the ultra? Or will we be doing the ultra with two shrooms? Only time will tell. We can only follow up one legendary run with another. Braixen has done it once again this time on CM glitch, but this time, things look a little different. On APRIL FOOLS DAY OF ALL DAYS, tasser Epik95 showed a new, faster entry, only problem is that the entry is pregnant with QM, RNG, and holy shit Braixen made it two weeks later. Not without trial and error of course, he said he put in over 20k attempts. Braixen spent two weeks locked in his room, playing this category. Legend has it that he never slept, and he was so tired one night that he actually went into Coconut mall and bought food, only to find out that their ice cream machine was broken. Luckily it paid off for the mad man with a massive cut, a historical record, and a time of 26.106 (-5.205). Braixen said he lost at least a second on the landing alone, so this can still go down by quite a bit, but I don’t feel like anyone will be playing coconut mall like THIS anytime soon. Congrats on once again revolutionizing this category, Braixen, and whenever you want to go for more you will still probably have the record so you can relax now. We aren’t finished yet, though. We saw one last legend come back, and it’s one everyone in the community loves. GV glitch watched Niyake prove once again that he doesn’t care that Jyran is still a child, that is his rock, and Jyran needs to go play with something else. Niyake drove around the GV rock in 15.425 seconds, a record by 0.072. Records on this track get more impressive every time I see them. I thought Niyake was joking in February 2021 when he said he was going for a 14 second time, but now even that doesn’t look impossible. Jyran and Niyake are both fantastic players at the tops of their game, and could go get an inhuman time if they wanted. That being said, I’m not sure how much motivation either player has to play the track rn (there are literally 31 other tracks) but of course, we here at the players page will keep you posted. What? I have to talk about TAS AND flap records?? Fuck me, I’m gonna go take an angry shit. brb. I’m back, and I’m not going in chronological order for flaps because fuck you, but Luke got GV no-sc flap record with a time of 35.530, could he possibly contend with Barney for the 3 lap record? Also, upload the video Luke, it’s annoying when flap records don’t have videos. It’s inconvenient for the mid tier players who’s flaps carry their timesheets (I am one of them) Of course, Exploder got a 14.976 on RR glitch, this may or may not be the final month of the RR glitch shenanigans, it may be entering it’s Hunter phase on rWS where one specific player (this time not named Hunter) just grinds the shit out of the track for a 2/3. Whatever your plan is, good luck Walaker, I already talked enough about you. Now that all two of the flap WRs have been taken care of, we can move forward with TAS shit! April fools day was great because there were 12 new Ultras discovered and no one knew which ones were real or not. Now that it’s May 4th I can confirm that BCwii has its ultra, courtesy of Jellopuff, a huge discovery! Unfortunately it requires super-grinding and is not RTA viable yet. This was also the same day of Epik95’s CM glitch TAS that I spoke about earlier. Of course April fools day was wrapped up by rBC ultra being faster with the zip zip, I love our TAS community. Furthermore, we also saw a new ultra on rYF, discovered by Mikul, which also uses super grinding (and the egg in the middle lmfao). Unfortunately RTA-ers are gonna need to stick with the ultra long cut that is RTA viable for right now. The final ultra discovered last month was on MH, and it was the next track to fall victim to the outside-drifting bike revolution. Monster discovered this less than a week from when I’m writing this and while it barely saves any time, it’s still an ultra shortcut. Gotta love this community. Besides the April fools day shenanigans, and other ultras, we also saw these flap TAS BKT improvements Justin improves his own rBC3 unrestricted bkt using superhopping Kierio, Ancient, Police, and Campbell re-invent how rDH no ultra is played Justin improves arguably the coolest looking flap TAS on rGV2 glitch Kierio and Ejay bring superhopping to rDS mkwLuke with his first individual TAS BKT in four years on MC glitch (on mach bike!?) Kierio improves MT no glitch Justin improves CM glitch Jellopuff and Ejay improve DDR glitch (using an S tier texture while doing so) Kierio improves TF nosc flap I’m not going into detail about these because this is the players page news update, this is about the RTA community, the alpha males, not the beta nerds that play the same eight frames over and over for three hours! If you wanna check out the new TAS bkts for last month and see exactly what they changed on each frame, feel free to go to the MKW TAS website where every single TAS BKT, and former TAS BKT sits, just waiting for you to watch them. We love you, TAS community, keep doing your thing. Alright my computer is about to die, I’ll write this next portion tomorrow. (I guess this is the part where I remind you to hydrate yourself?) Anniversaries This is a new mini segment I’m adding to celebrate the anniversaries of records! Bet Arvo and Arthur don’t do it like this, think of me as the cool guy from now on. Happy ONE year Anniversary to Logan’s TF SC WR (1:44.308). One year ago last month Logan got bored and decided that TF was due for another improvement, he also used an Acquiesce (he’s a kangaroo) mii in the process. Will we see an improvement on TF SC this year? Who’s mii will Logan use this time? Or will we see a new challenger approach? Happy TWO year anniversary to Invincible’s rDKJP glitch WR (41.072). Invincible set this when he was still making sure that Bryce (needs to show his lap 1 BKS) didn’t come back to the track to beat him. Invincible has hinted that he plans on playing this category this year, will we see an improvement? Or will Bryce finally come through with the 37 second time he’s been promising us? I know we already talked about this one, but happy TWO year anniversary to Guy’s legendary 1:20.357 on MC no-sc. The first ever run with 3/3 King Alex ramp, and also the largest WR cut in the history of the category. With Caleb announcing his retirement last month, this blows the track wide open for one Kasey if he so desires to go for it, things are getting interesting. Alrighty, looks like we’ve covered all the big news, now lets get to you fuckers. But first… COUNTRY OF THE MONTH: USA brings it home this time because America, fuck yeah. Also seven records were set by the USA last month, five more than the second most (we have ten times more active players than any other country) TRACK OF THE MONTH: DDR On top of Logan’s historical record here, everyone and their mother, father, and siblings seemed to PR here (except me of course.) QUOTES OF THE MONTH: “Showering 2 to 3 times a week is considered most healthy, so what i do, I shower 2 times, on a sunday, and boom” -8click, April 25th, 2023 “Clicking on the server icon is like russian roulette now ‘will I see fetish art today or not’” - Carter B., April 17th, 2023 “Clown. C-L-O-N-W” -Mitch Healy, April 6th, 2023 ANCIENT QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “I have a magic penis” -Ben Hurley, 2009 (I was gonna look for something else but I saw an old video of myself from 14 years ago and water shot out my nose) This News Update covers from April 1st to April 30th, 2023. Say hello to the four new players we count for this month: Maya Taylor (Doesn’t abbreviate the track names what a legend) Razz. (One letter away from Rizz, which no one that plays this game has. RIP to you) Trenton Steinberg (Initials stand for target shock, I’d be a TT main too if I was you) Tristan Carter (Sounds like Tits and Farter) Weekeat (he eats once a week, and that makes him better) It has come to my attention that I have tested positive for a coronavirus disease first discovered in 2019 (COVID-19) so for the rest of this news update make sure you’re wearing your mask, I don’t wanna get you sick. The Penny, The Nickels, and The Dimes (Top 10) #1 (#1) Logan KEBABBY Played mogi for most of the month like the fraud he is before killing DDR, which I already talked about. Please stop playing online, it makes you look bad #3 (#7) Arvolord95 Played 3lap and flap on CM no glitch and improved them both. He also got his channel taken down on youtube, so no more last name in the news update for him. Poor guy had to re-upload every single video to his new channel. The next time he gets taken down he’s gonna have to move to pornhub with the rest of the banned youtubers. It’s truly a tough time to be a member of the anti-censorship community. #4 (#9) Vincent Braixen Blew everyone’s mind by making the “humanly impossible” entry on CM glitch. Unfortunately he was so burnt out that he didn’t play anything else. I will say that record will stand for as long as he wants it to, no one is touching that until we have grandchildren. #6 (#4) Martin Fox Improved his rBC no glitch (obviously) 3lap pb to a 2:31.4. Besides that he uploaded TWO lounge compilations. I think we can all agree that we prefer Fox the time trialist to Fox the mogimain. The Quarters, and half dollars (Top 50) #12 (#15) Zed R Got passed up on red charts by ThomasNL, who hasn’t played in two years. What the fuck Colin. Also played some DDR 3lap and flap. Glad some of the top players still care about flaps! #16 (#20) Indy Kambeitz Improved his…*checks notes* MG glitch flap? Weird category to play for your first PB of the calendar year. Hope to hear more from our friend Weexy as the year progresses. #17 (#6) Jay Rangthale Got his record back on rDH no-sc and finally got the 3/3 lucky cut in a record. Huge congrats again. He also got an improvement on MT no-glitch as well, with a 2:17.8. Now we wonder if he’s gonna join Logan on the MMM grind… #18 (#34) Enzo Leussink When he isn’t muted in the time trial server vc or quacking at his neighbors, Enzobozo likes to get pbs. Enzo improved his MC glitch 3lap and flap, and did the same on DDR. Good luck on the sub 53 on MC if you decide to go for it! #19 (#10) Eclipse formerly known as Fatality, Eclipse emerged from his annual hibernation to jump 21 fucking spots on the combined AF charts with 17 PRs, cutting nearly 30 total AF points. THAT is the type of activity we love to see, well done Ecal (Fatal is the abbreviation for Fatality, so that must mean Ecal is the abbreviation for Eclipse!) Hope to see another monster month from you, we’re glad you’re back! #20 Caleb House Announced his retirement at the ass crack of dawn but also got two PRs this month on BC sc 3lap and flap. I’ve talked about RAF Guy today and what he’s meant to this community, but if these are the last times you’ll ever upload to our website, we wish you the best in this next step in life. Don’t forget about us when you’re famous <3 #21 (#21) Doge. Formerly known on the site as Takeo, but known by everyone else as Doge, he finally changed his name to who he’s known as by most of the community…he also set a PB on rMC no-sc which is pretty cool considering rMC isn’t even a custom track that he can snag his 154th CT BKT on. I can’t shit on CT mains rn unfortunately because I was one last month, but we hope to see more RT PBs from you soon! #22 (#28) Phyzothy Hasn’t complained that the news isn’t out yet despite the fact that it is now May 9th as I am typing this, thank god. Also got an April Fool’s Day pr on rYF flap, random category but nice job Phyz. One complaint out of you though and I’m just gonna shit on you for not pbing since the TAS community’s christmas. #25 (#16) Nick Meade Our favorite content creator finally got his 2:30 on rBC, and is now going for I believe 1:30 on rMC. He also sadly dropped from 24 to 25 on combined AF charts, shame on you Eclipse! Nick set a handful of goals for himself to achieve that he believes he should’ve pulled off years ago. I don’t care when you get the time, Nick, we are so proud of you for showing us the power to mentally pull through after all these years. You are truly an idol to us all. #26 (#39) Mitchell Healy One of the seemingly countless young aussies taking over the scene known as Mitch jumped from 29 to 26 with eleven PRs. I feel like I updated Mitch’s timesheet nearly everyday whenever I updated times last month, and he’s having himself a hell of a year. Mitch now has his eyes on the top 25, but I doubt he will stop there. I’m excited to see where Mitch will rank by 2024, he is proving every day that he is one of the best in our game. #27 (#23) Joeblase Joe DeBlasio managed to get seven prs and fall down a spot (what the fuck) and also beat me like 30 times on BC no-sc online TTs a few days ago, but I beat him one or two times which proves I am the better player. Dude got a fucking 2:20.8 there right before the end of the month and has no intent of stopping. We wish you the best of luck on whatever the hell you plan on getting there. Joeblase for 2:19? #30 (#3) Luke Brown Went missing for a few weeks before coming out of nowhere with a GV no-sc flap record?? What a weird month dude. Would be crazy to see if you compete with Barney for the 3lap record, even though I know you’re taking yet another stab at rBC no-sc. #31 (#24) Kevin Miller For a guy who “relies on flaps” you sure know how to play the game. Kevin cut nearly 4 AF points but unfortunately stayed put for April (spoiler alert he passed Luke in May) with a whopping 14 PRs (nine of which were 3lap you fraud). Maybe he will stop lying that his timesheet is carried by flaps as he continues to devour them. #36 (#87) Ryley Carroll NMeade’s biggest fanboy is our latest example of players only pb-ing on MG glitch flap then dipping. Nick would be very disappointed if he learned about this, Mr. Hydr8ion. #40 (#58) Jacob Fitzgibbon Managed to drop three spots on red charts and only one on blue despite his only PR for the month being a red-only category for him. I don’t understand anything anymore, writing this news update has been an experience of all time. That being said he improved his flap PR on rPB no-sc. Maybe Arrow should focus on making three glitches on that track instead :tf: #46 Lawrence Got a pr on both 3lap and flap on MMM. Troy vs. DBG is so close to a 1:15 there…good luck if you choose to go for it! If not I’m sure you’ll come out with some crazy CT BKT at some point this month anyways. The Dollars (Top 100) #53 (#56) Danny Boy Forgot his name was no longer Neptune, and also submitted most of Eclipse’s times. Thankfully, when he wasn’t submitting times for Neptune (doesn’t exist) and Eclipse (not him) he submitted six prs and cut six AF points which is pretty neat, boosting him from 55 to 53 (and is 52 as of me writing this). One of those times was WW tops on RR glitch with a 1:59.4! Huge time man, good luck on whatever crazy glitch you try this month. #55 (#52) Will Marable GOT ELEVEN PRS AND JUMPED 25 SPOTS ON THE COMBINED CHARTS HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!11! Will had a monster month cutting over 37 AF points to boost him towards the top 50, the question is will he get there in May? Good luck on topping Will M’s April 2023, it will be difficult. #56 (#88) JAYOO The pasta glitcher got 4 prs, cut one AF point, and dropped two spots on combined AF charts. Fucking bozo. I hope the rDH no-sc WR isn’t making you nervous about your rDH sc PR… #61 (#57) Claus Got a few prs on rPG no-sc. He likely has a goal there that I’m too lazy to ask him about. Good luck on that goal. #63 (#70) Ultra_Pear Got a PR on 3lap and flap for DDR, including a fucking dank 3lap pb on 4/20 (based) stop running metroid u bum #64 (#69) Jyran Liebs The toddler that’s good at grumble glitch jumped fucking 104 spots last update but played nothing but red charts (based) in April, getting two pbs on GV no-sc and CM no glitch, both 3 lap categories. Also he’s 69th on red AF charts, which makes me happy, but he’s too young to know what that means so he’s probably just gonna keep grinding for more. I’d stay put, but you do you bro #68 (#40) Lee Duggan Got a 1:43.5 on MH, which is something Arthur would go absolutely apeshit about, but I will resort to saying nice time, and good luck on future improvements. #69 (#129) Nate Schultz The fact that #69 is a member of bitch squad proves that there is a god. Bars. Also Mr. Schultz managed to jump 8 spots to the lucky number after a month consisting of 14 PRs and 17 AF points cut. Maybe he could double up and PLAY RED CHARTS and get 69 on both AF boards? Only time will tell if this bitch can pull it off. Also nice MT no-sc pr, there are 31 other tracks bruv. #74 (#61) Michele Gallastri Somehow set a PR in October already (Arthur already used this joke, I don’t give two shits) but also got a PR on rSL no glitch with a 2:05.316. Pretty cool stuff. #90 Idriz Temporarily moved up to 89 before getting shot back down to 90, Idriz played mainly flaps but also played some RR no glitch, securing the W3R there. Wheel we be seeing a 2:24 from you soon? (see what I did there? Hi, I’m Benjamin Hurley, and I’m running for president.) #092 Exploder FINALLY completed his BLUE timesheet. Still gotta finish that red one though, Mr. Walaker. Is also the current favorite to get the ever so anticipated RR glitch 2/3 before the calendar year ends. #93 (#98) Nara Hiero Got his first WR, which is massive considering WHO THE FUCK WOULD’VE PREDICTED THAT????? Got 4 total prs, jumped 4 spots on combined AF charts, and cut 4 AF points. 444. What the hell????? #98 Starboi Keeps raiding people in minecraft or some shit and pissing them off…wait this is the mario kart news update. He got a 1:30.6 on DC which is pretty cool, but outside of that minute and a half he was raiding people in minecraft and pissing them off. The Outlawed $2 bills (Top 200) #104 Franco The Swiss legend jumped one spot with two prs but gained 2 AF points. FINISH YOUR NO-SC TIMESHEET DAMMIT. #105 Acquiesce Everyone’s favorite kangaroo got a pr on LC flap and WGM no glitch 3lap. Nice job Joey! #117 (#119) Cederic Jumped a whopping 13 spots with 14 PRs and cut over 13 AF points. Barely missing on a 13-13-13 month. Cederic is yet another example of a young player who has just barely scraped the bottom of the barrel in terms of their potential. #124 (#102) Jadid ANOTHER player with a fuck ton of PRs in April. 16 to be exact. He jumped ten spots on the combined AF charts but couldn’t quite cut ten AF points, and had to stick with nine. Looking for another big month from one of our favorite Italian cult members. #129 (#128) James Collins My rival may have won the game, but the war is still only beginning. ObeisantBitch3808 got 5 PRs and jumped 4 spots while cutting 4 AF. A quiet month but I think he started university this past month (Australia schooling is fucking weird) so good on him for still playing the game. Maybe once I’m satisfied with the amount of gold stars I have I’ll start actually playing RTs again. #139 (#104) Ben Hurley I dropped a spot on both AF charts but I got a PB by like half a second on rBC which was pretty gnarly. Besides that I’ve turned to the dark side and have been playing CTs and lounge (RT lounge, I’m still sane guys don’t worry) since around mid month. I obviously plan to play RTs again but I feel like playing the CTs can help sharpen my skills, and patience, among other things. Good luck to myself next month. Also tears of the kingdom just came out so I might end up spending my summer playing that… #145 (#164) Carlo Our next member of the MKW mafia (literally just another Italian) got ten PRs, cut 20 spots, and cut over 28 AF points. Carlo went on an absolute tear on his blue sheet, but he also got a few red chart pbs as well. Someone needs to convince these Italians to play more no-glitch categories, this is getting ridiculous. #158 (#117) Mystogan Misto-Jen, or is it Misto-gen? Idfk you got 2 prs this month on TF no-sc 3lap and flap (best categories in the game), cutting one AF point but dropping one spot on the leaderboard. Regardless, a 1:51.3 is a respectable time, good shit! #171 (#123) Supreme Got three PRs and didn’t move a fucking muscle. He didn’t even gain or lose any AF, he just stayed right where he was. I guess I still have to say something nice about you though, so, nice 2:09.4 on DKM, that track is a pain in the ass at any level. #194 (#79) Fraterz Only played red charts bc fuck glitches. Fraterz also assisted Joeblase in humiliating me 20+ times on BC online TTs. Jokes aside it was crazy racing against you two, the times y’all were getting in such few tries were incredible. #199 (#110) Jesse Jay Got 30 FUCKING PRS LAST MONTH OH MY GOD!!!!! Jesse cut over 56 AF points to just barely sneak into the top 200 before the news. Congrats on the huge month, Jesse, but we need to cook (breaking bad reference I’m so sorry you probably get this all the time) #200 Falco How the fuck does this community have a fox, and a falco? Anyways he did the bare minimum last month to go from 201 to 200. 3 PRs. I bet it was just so that he could be in the top 200 in time for the April news update. I know your games, Falco, I invented them. The $3 coins from the 1800s (Top 300) #203 (#157) Ryan Lynch Found a way to pr on two categories and jump four spots and cut 4 AF points. Sounds like they were pretty hefty time cuts though, nice job Ryan! I know you can taste that top 200… #205 (#105) Shawn Berry Is breathing down my neck on red charts…brush your teeth dude. Got four PRs last month but dropped 3 spots on combined charts and gained a point and a half. Everything on this website makes so much sense. Good luck on getting world record on whatever online main category you choose to play. #215 (#153) Xenophanes Got a really solid 2:15.467 on one of the worst tracks in the game(fuck parkway). Hopefully he plays tracks that aren’t insanity inducing this month. #225 (#139) Spencer Sassak A disgusting mach main, got 12 prs and jumped 15 spots while cutting ALMOST 15 AF points. Do mach mains talk to women? #228 (#147) Joe Beaton Ace did driving on DDR like everyone else and is now 3rd WW!! Good luck on the 1:46 and however far you’re ready to take this!!!! #230 (#121) Pabloski Is half a frame away from 1:49 on TF. I can only imagine the frustration so I’ll be motivational. You’re so close dude, we believe in you!!! I know you will feel the energy of the players page behind you as you cross the finish line of that first 1:49. #237 (#163) ElecTrick Managed to improve an eighth of his timesheet and fall four spots on combined charts. Luckily he made up for it by jumping up 4 spots on red charts. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. :rainiosmile: #244 (#181) Zyxis Got a nice 1:44.190 on raceway, but that’s about it. Gained an AF point and fell three spots on the combined charts. The Zyxis comeback story shalt be legendary. #290 (#220) Graden Entered the top 300 cutting 13 spots and 18 AF points. Only 280 spots til you’re hanging out with your buddies in glitch squad! #296 (#203) Silicosis Cut three spots and five AF points with a solid month for both charts. He is also gonna help me build my ranking on the message boards because he’s one of maybe six people that still submit there. The Big Bucks (301+) #329 (#223) Ncsr. Jumped one spot with three PRs. The push for the top 300 continues… #357 (#205) Pablo Hernangómez Got a PR on WGM no-sc flap which is 41ST ON THE CATEGORY. WHAT THE FUCK WHO IS THIS MAN IN THE 300S?????? #359 (#269) Emil Lönquist Had one of the best months out of anyone on the page, jumping 29 spots and cutting 40 AF points. Keep it up!! #401 (#243) Princessje11ybean Got a 2:08.3 on rSL no-sc. Nice job Narumi. #438 (#267) Chansey Learned all the hard shit on CM glitch and managed a 36.8, which considering where we are on the combined AF charts rn is pretty crazy. If he put this much effort into other tracks he’d be a top player :rainiodemented: #538 Blaine Wesley Frazier Got 13 prs and jumped eight spots and cutting just under 15 AF points. These guys are grinding!! Keep going! #556 (#285) Ruben Cauchon Got a PR on LC flap then vanished. Don’t let him escape! #588 (#306) Mattinatorr Got six PRs and jumped two spots. Good shit Matt. #678 (#330) Lowercase Everyone’s favorite orb of energy finally got the 2:24 on BC no-sc. We salute you on achieving this goal, and wish you luck on the 2:23, and any other goals you have moving forward. We’re so proud of you lcl!!! #727 (#377) Justin JJ Morris Last, but certainly not least, Justin rounds us out with four PRs and jumping four spots. Gonna be interested to see how he responds this month. Before you say “shouldn’t the pennies be at the bottom” realize that this is time trials, the lower score is the faster score, and the faster score wins. Therefore the same will apply to american currency this once. Also I don’t have a greymatter account yet so if you ask someone else to edit this update bc I fucked up (I’m not gonna proof read a fucking news update) talk to Pear or Arthur or someone else but definitely not me. And it looks like we’re about done. My news debut has been fun, I learned a lot really and hopefully will be able to do it again another time. Thanks for sharing your time with me today, now go use the rest of your May to improve your timesheet! Take a closer look at this month’s Site Records: Vincent Braixen beat the old Coconut Mall crs with a time of 26.106 Keita beat the old Koopa Cape crs with a time of 1:56.276 Niyake beat the old Grumble Volcano crs with a time of 15.425 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Dry Dry Ruins crs with a time of 1:46.400 Exploder beat the old Rainbow Road crs with a time of 1:56.554 Exploder beat the old Rainbow Road lap with a time of 14.976 No-Glitch: LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Koopa Cape crs with a time of 2:17.176 Luke Brown beat the old Grumble Volcano lap with a time of 35.530 Jay Rangthale beat the old DS Desert Hills crs with a time of 1:34.237 PLAYER AWARDS: Player of the Week: April 1: Nara Hiero April 2: LOGAN KEBABBY April 3: Vincent Braixen April 4: Niyake Player of the Month: Will Marable MEME OF THE MONTH:  Ben H, love y’all, enjoy this month. |
Justin appreciation postArthurOww @ Sunday, April 9th 10:31AM [link] |
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| Hello and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Karters and Kartesses, boyz and girlz, to this News Update! I am once again your host today as it is my pleasure to write this essay for you and considering all the bangers we’ve had these past 3 months, I couldn’t resist but to handle the task of this writing, even when I knew it would take much longer than any News Update I’ve done in the past… Truth be told, I actually started writing this update in late February, so it took more than a month for this essay to arrive on this page for y’all to read. I apologize for the delay, I know monthly News are better, but trust me, I will not disappoint! So, what happened lately? After everyone said Happy New Year to each other, we all went back to TTing. This was 0.016 seconds after midnight was hit on January 1st, obviously. After a bit of a fail on my part, the people voted for their Player of the Year of 2022. I will not reveal anything in this paragraph. The name of the winner is at the end of the News Update, the entry in the “Awards” page will include the results of the Top 3 and I will post a picture of the full results on the forum soon after the release of this update. A little news on my home-made competition, the Masters Tour, as you probably know it’s a series of Time Trial Events with special rules I hold in the public TT server, we’ve officially reached the end of Season 1 and are now playing the Finale of it! The 10 best players of the Tour just played in 2 5-player pools during March, the best 2 of each pool advancing to the Semi-Finals to have a chance to be crowned champion! Although I’ve let down the “special ruleset” thing for this part and made all finalists play classic Non-SC tracks, I offer a brand new way of competing in Time Trials in the form of a direct confrontation between players across multiple tracks at once. You can check it out on the public server for more info, the link is in the Resources thread on the Forum! Speaking of direct TT competitions, one makes its glorious return right now. In association with Project Sanbo, a brand new CT distribution, Online Time Trials are back, better as ever! And with it, a new season of Online TT Lounge, of course. Get placed in a rank, play Mogis to earn MMR points, and work your way all the way to the top of the charts, at Master rank! And although we had a bit of WR activity at the start of January with 4 WRs, nothing happened for almost a full month. Let's review those 4 WRs first, they're not many but they're all bangers. He got the first WR of 2022, now he did it again with the first WR of 2023, apparently the greats of GV Glitch only play around the New Year, Jyran gets the record back on January 6th with a stunning 15.497, skipping .5 entirely and that's massive for the shortest category in the game. We'll see if Niyake comes back and battles for the title, Jyran is really pushing both the track and the Japanese master to their limits… A shock. A heart attack. A disappointment for some, a relief for others. A page of our game's History was literally THIS close to being turned by one single time. 1:08.774. January 7th. Now not one Karter, but two. Spear Master Kasey TIES Cole's legendary LC WR and creates the first co-reign since Logan and Ross shared the rSL Glitch crown for a day in May 2019 with their 1:37.066. A new WR, yet Cole's run is still standing, as the 2nd longest-lasting current WR, as his last WR, but also as the last WR held by an old-school player who already had WRs back in 2008, 2nd oldest current WR holder as of writing this part being Poyo on WGM Glitch that got his first WR in February 2009. A monument of TTs on the verge of collapsing then, but, as if its fate was to stand for all eternity, he remains unbroken. With the more precise finishing time that CTGP offers, we can even see that Cole’s time still is ahead of Kasey’s. Truly meant to never be broken? The Legend stands his ground… for the moment. Another historical WR has been achieved and I can't believe I'm discussing it here with y'all right now. It's a dream. It was supposed to be a dream. It has been a dream for almost 5 years, yet we got to see this fateful run on January 8th, when all the stars aligned, when everything matched, when that last piece of the puzzle that was missing for so long finally showed up. Ladies and Gentlemen. It finally happened. THE 1:44 IS FUCKING REAL AND OF COURSE IT'S BLAKE FUCKING GERMANY THAT GETS THE JOB DONE BRILLANTLY WITH A 1:44.599! YES THIS TIMELINE IS REAL AND IT'S THE ONE YOU'RE LIVING IN RIGHT NOW I know that sounds crazy but it's really not a joke and Blake screamed just like this when he set it (probably). Next step? A 1:43, OBVIOUSLY. Will it take 5 years before we get to watch it unfold? That remains to be seen… Phyz's wallet doesn't like this one. He promised 100$ to anybody that could beat Bryce on MG Glitch, well guess what? Bryce got beaten on MG Glitch! On January 8th, Idriz surprised us all with a 20.013, just shy of the holy deca-second sub of 19.xxx. Will he get it? Will Byrce come back and get it? We will see… Did I just say we will see? Well guess what happened 4 weeks later on February 4th? …Yeah. Idriz. 19.758. Baby Mario has finally finished all 3 laps of MG in less than 20 seconds! And what better Mii name to use than the one he deserves the most after this milestone… Congrats, MG KING! Then we enter the heart of the topic. February and March offered us plenty of WRs for me to review today. Where should I start… If I say Peach Gardens, what are you thinking about? Maybe the flowers, the chain chomps, the moles, the maze, or the fact that this track has a unique WR that uses Spear Auto…. Sorry, I meant HAD a unique WR that has just been replaced on February 5th by a boring Flame Runner time of 1:58.980 by Kasey, leaving the great KingAlex with no WRs in the process… And all of this thanks to a new strat in the hedge maze. Talk about killing originality… but you know what’s worse? He almost beat the PAUSE BUFFERED WR by Carter a few weeks later with a 1:58.940 on March 11th, just one single millisecond away from Carter’s time. You’re not telling me that this Pause Buffered category will lose its legitimacy as a category just a few weeks after being added to mkwrs.com’s main page? Logan got a 1:49.074 on TF Non-SC on February 5th. That’s it, that’s the paragraph. …Oh, and I almost forgot he also got the rMC Glitch on February 17th, but this time, finally, he was able to finish a 3lap run with it that beats the Non-SC WR, ending at a 1:30.224, now y’all have a good reason to mark rMC as Non-SC in your submissions! Imagine you’re the best in the world at something, then you kinda lose interest in it, people start beating you, and all your records, although part of History, are now gone and replaced by other people’s times. But one day, the flame that once burnt in your soul for this something, that was gone for so long, reappears, and fills you with determination to renew with your past ways and show everyone you’re still worthy and that your story isn’t just a closed book with an ending. This is the story of the greatest Norwegian to ever play the game. Former World #1 Martin Fox thus got his first WR in almost 5 years on BC Shortcut with a time of 2:08.813! 61st career WR for Fox, but surely felt as good as the first one. We all hope this is the start of a new chapter of TTs for you, legend! We’ll see if you can take your newly-regained WR back tho, as Emil stepped-up again to reclaim it on March 5th with a 2:08.697. A battle in the castle between the old and the new generation maybe? So, if you noticed the title of this News Update, by now you’re probably wondering why the hell is it called “Justin appreciation post”. Well, let me just say ALL of February was the Justin appreciation post. But why exactly? One thing to remember: it’s Justin. If you’ve followed our game for long enough, you probably know who he is and what he’s used to doing in terms of WRs and such. You probably guessed it… Justin did what Justin always does, he found a new strat. And what a strat. Especially that it’s on Rainbow Road. Man just discovered a way to make the glitch using fucking Shooting Star! Outside-drifting bikes now hold 2 WRs in the game, probably a first since 2008. The method looks relatively simple: you start, you turn around, you drift and hit the fence, and fly all the way to the end of the track, similar to what we’ve seen with the Quacker but using a clip instead of a bounce. And the Shooting Star being one of the better vehicles to use on the track after Flame Flyer and Flame Runner… Obviously it’s faster than the old method, and by a landslide. Karters rushed on their consoles to be the first to pull off this technique, and the first one to do so was Hunter that got a 2:07.166 with it, beating Logan’s previous WR by almost 3 seconds on February 8th. Later that day, Core would lower it down to a 2:05.498 then a 2:04.554 using Ultra_Pear’s crush uh I mean Rosalina, and get 2 more WRs 2 days later, finishing at a 2:03.728. The sub was on the horizon… But remember who discovered the thing. Yeah. You get it. Justin blows everyone up, beats Core by 4 seconds and gets the sub 2 on February 12th with a whopping 1:59.606! Just like he did on Koopa Cape. This is his game and he’s playing with us. Not to mention, he also got 2 other WRs after that, going down to a 1:56.824 set on the 13th. This one stood for a while, before the grind and perseverance of a certain Norwegian, mainly known for his 5th WW status on Yoshi Falls, finally paid off as he managed to beat Justin’s time with a 1:56.788 on March 13th. If you follow the TT scene sharply you should have guessed it by now, Exploder is our first new WR holder of 2023! He even managed to top this time 6 days later with a 1:56.690, where the record currently stands as of April 1st, 2023… All of these times are 1/3s though, and even if it’s pretty unlikely, a 2/3 run is possible, given that a 1-shroom glitch has already been done several times. It shouldn’t be crazy difficult to pull it off alongside a 2-shroomer to do the glitch twice in a run… On paper. In reality, with the nerves and all, it’s pretty damn difficult. A few players are trying to make it though, first one being Exploder, and if my sources are correct, World #1 Logan. We’ll see how that thing goes in the future. On the other side of RR though, we did see one new WR. Even with the glitch now using an outside drifting bike, let’s not forget that the real unique category here is Non-SC. Flare thus improved his own WR with a stunning 2:24.281, skipping .3 entirely and inching closer and closer to the holy sub 2:24… Which the best splits don’t give yet but they at least give something that’s very close. I do believe we will see a 2:23 being performed here one day, but as of the time it will take until someone gets it, I have no idea… Do you think Luke is the GOAT of WGM Non-SC? You might, but ACKSHHUALY someone objects to this statement, and who could that someone be other than that one guy that’s topping all charts, Logan Kebabby himself. He becomes the 2nd person to pull off a 1:49 on the track and snatches yet another one of Luke’s records with a 1:49.934 also on March 5th, getting to 13 WRs held at once. But wait, there’s more… He got the glitch back as well lmao, getting to 14 WRs held at once (all-time record) by beating Poyo with a 31.756 on March 15th. Where will this man stop? Probably not now considering he’s only 7 WRs away from becoming the 2nd Karter in History to ever get 100 total career WRs… Omega almost changed his name to Zeke apparently! The BC GOAT returned on March 11th to improve his record by exactly 98 milliseconds… I’ll let you calculate the finishing time real quick… Yeah it’s not the 2:19. It’s a 2:20.001. On the bright side, we’re almost guaranteed to see a 2:19 next time there’s an improvement on the category. On the other hand, it’s a .001, how bitter of a taste this must’ve been for the Japanese player… But I’m sure he’ll recover from that and surpass himself to get the 2:19. I mean, similar to Blake’s 1:43 on DKS, he’s had the level to smash this sub for years and he could almost get a low 2:19 as a subbing run, so I’m sure it’s not a simple close attempt that will slow him down. If someone has to do it, as of now, it has to be him. May fortune find the Karters who dare defy their limits as we say! A shocker! I never thought we would see Sosis' 1:34.397 on rDH Non-SC being beaten anytime soon, yet against all odds, it happened and who else would it be to take the crown than the one top player we don't talk about very often, Vincent Braixen. Man gets a WR on the Non-SC category of Desert Hills for the 1st time by beating Sosis' 1100+ days old run by a single frame, with a 1:34.381 set on March 27th. It's always a huge thing to beat an old record, let alone a 3 year-old one, so congrats to Braixen for that! It's been a while since we heard of him, and so he returns! I was about to say he was on a WR drought since his last one was in November but Luke returns to his ways by setting 2 WRs back to back late March, one on KC and one on DKJP, both Non-SC as you'd expect from him. He thus improves his own records, first on the 29th on KC by close to .1, inching closer to the 2:16 with a 2:17.219, then on the 31st on DKJP by 73ms with a 2:10.572. He thus extends his streak of Years with at least one WR by 1, being at 7 years in a row since 2017, only beaten by Braixen who, with his new rDH time, now has set a WR each year since 2016. Consistency. Our final stop for this Update’s WR review is KC, on the glitch side though because it got improved twice. Kei improved his own WR by a tiny 21ms on March 12th to a 1:57.879, and now that’s when you know you’re on a glitch category because Revengestyle6 aka Lawrence reclaimed his WR, smashing Kei’s time by 1.4 seconds with a 1:56.471. I feel like this category still has a very long way to go, we’ll see where these guys take it. One thing I want to note before closing out the WR review though is, if Justin wasn’t there, who knows if we would've been able to find all of the strats he discovered on our own… From KC all the way to RR Glitch, including the WGM Non-SC ending, these strats aren’t even everything he implemented. And if we count the TASes he’s made then… Oh by the way he recently found a way to make the rPG Glitch 3lap viable for TAS with the FUCKING PHANTHOM. Where will he stop… Speaking of TAS, we got to see another pretty huge discovery on February 27th, from Ejay. To put it lightly and shortly, man just casually dropped a 17 second lap on MMM, breaking the track and discovering what could possibly be the last Ultra Shortcut ever on 150cc. A few days later, Jellopuff would improve it using an actual flap setup to a 9.207, breaking the 10-second barrier. It’s crazy how TAS can accomplish things you wouldn’t even dare to think about, and it’s all the beauty of it… And that’s basically it for 3lap and TAS WRs this month, we thus got 30 3lap WRs in these first 3 months of 2023, a rather good start compared to recent years (25 WRs in 2020, finished at 102 and 29 WRs in 2021, finished at 101) but still not the best start we’ve had (36 WRs in 2022, finished at 122 and 40 WRs in 2019, finished at 149). We will see where the future months take us! But before that and to wrap up this intro, let’s take a look at the 10 Flap WRs we’ve had so far in 2023… Oh wait, they’re almost all on RR Glitch lmfao. 2 are from Kei and Lawrence on KC glitch, a 16.917 and a 16.262 respectively, then the rest is on the newly-changed category. From Hunter to Core twice to Justin, we then got Italian Carlo that had the record for 3 weeks, then Enzo claimed it but got sweeped the same day by Justin again, and now it’s in the hands of Mystogan since February 21st with a 15.066. Surprisingly, no other Flap was broken these 2 months, although we did see Justin and Braixen set a 2nd WW time, on rSL and rDH, both Non-SC, respectively. And when Justin’s rSL went completely under the radar (except for me because he kicked me out of WW tops why would you do that!), everyone was pretty hyped about Braixen’s one because we could potentially see the oldest Flap WR, Liam’s 29.317 from 2016, being beaten soon, now that it turned 7 years old on January 30th. It’s been standing for almost 2600 days and is Liam’s last standing WR. As always, we’ll see how that goes. With all of this out of the way let's dive into my favorite part of the News, you know it by now COUNTRY OF THE MONTH: Although UK could’ve earned it with the whopping 4 WRs by Core on RR using best waif- I mean character in the game Rosalina, Norway takes it home for the 1st time with Fox’s WR and Exploder’s work on the space track. Well deserved. TRACK OF THE MONTH: No contest! It's Rainbow Road obviously. I don't have to explain again everything that has happened this past month, you get why it’s there and if you don't you have i² IQ. Yes I just placed a math joke in a News Update what are you gonna do about it. QUOTES OF THE MONTH: "China will not respect us if I'm dropping on the rBC bridge." - Donald Trump, February 27th, 2023 “Quote of the month” - Ben Hurley, February 27th, 2023 "The Pear went Bananas because of news" - Jayu, January 15th, 2023 ANCIENT QUOTE OF THE MONTH: “I have discover a new glith on GBA Maskass Beach but its very hard glith it make 15-20s lap” - Benji_2008, July 10th, 2008 This News Update covers from January 1st to March 31st, 2023. Say hello to the 23 new players we count for these 3 months: Lynn Mullis (I’m shocked by how many Swiss players we have on this site) GeostR (Geostr Corp is a Japan-based company whose main business is the manufacture and sale of concrete products for civil engineering and construction, and metal products, as well as construction contracting.) Lauchan L (Your initials mean Lucky Loser to anyone who has already followed a Tennis tournament) Norma Kobach (Normie) Keita (And everyone will be like “OMG that’s the WR HOLDER on KC GLITCH” and they’ll be right) Sergio (AGÜEROOOOOOOO) Soggypotatoes (probably one of the dumbest nicknames I’ve seen) Cain Chitwood (You must’ve said “it’s spelled with a C” so many times I feel you) Kamek Datres (Parents now call their children after Mario characters I guess) Nuff_Muffin (Make it “Neuf Muffins” and I’ll take one of them) Qazzy (Jazzy’s spiritual brother) Miiwii (Wii still make piissiing jokes!) Ashton (Comes from the country of Unknown) Saqr al-Khawaja (First Karter from Saudi Arabia, that’s free Country Records) Triclops (Cyclops but T r i a n g l e) Mythdragon (bro thinks he’s the final boss of an RPG) Phenom (enal) Free. (That’s literally a french mobile and TV operator) Triscuit (the great) Decodragon (Sorry I have no pun) 117James (Literally OSS117) Lucas (According to the etymology he’s white) Online Main (he doesn’t have a timesheet) World-Class Karters (Top 10) The whole Top 7 played for the first time in months what #1 (#1) Logan KEBABBY played a shit ton this month, but this doesn't really appear in his AF cut because he's been losing almost as many placements as he gained because of RR Glitch. He still managed a .6 AF cut tho, good enough to maintain him as World #1. #2 (#2) Justin Hitchcock is the GOAT in my book. No need to tell the story a 2nd time, this game is his and we’re playing it. He’s unbelievable. With all his improvements this month, he moves ever so slightly closer to Logan on the AF charts as well… meaning we could see a battle for the World #1 placement. That would be insane. #3 (#7) Arvo Koskikallio made History by reaching the podium of the AF charts, defeating Multi-WR Holder #4 Vincent Braixen to further establish himself as one of the greatest to ever play the game. Another example of why World Records aren’t everything, they’re only an achievement meant to be the icing on the cake of an incredible career. For all your work and dedication towards our holy game of Mario Kart, I shall now grant you, Master Koskikallio, your Medal of Honor, proof that you served for our Nation of Time Trials in the purest of ways. May AF guide you for the rest of your happy life, and may the History books tell the story of your journey for the centuries and millennia to come… OK now go improve on Moonview I want to see your face on EU Tops #4 (#9) Vincent Braixen played both rDH categories as I said before, got 2 cracked times but that's not enough to maintain #3 as the Finnish GOAT Mr. Koskikallio now beats him in AF. Braixen probably doesn’t care tho because he got his WR, yet according to Arvo himself "he can beat him in like 5 minutes" so who knows if he'll want to reclaim his spot on the rankings or not… #5 (#17) Jack Gluesing continued his ascension although keeping it quite calm in this start of the year. The man played WGM Glitch for a 33.3 / 9.3 and rBC 3lap for a 2:31.5, slowly but surely cutting AF. #6 (#4) Martin Fox GETS A FUCKING WORLD RECORD ALMOST 5 YEARS LATER CAN YOU BELIEVE IT I’m crying, you’re crying, everyone’s crying, even Emil’s crying but that’s because he lost his only remaining WR and still I’m sure he’s at least glad it was you, Fox, out of everyone who beat him. What a comeback. Even if Emil still reclaimed his record a few weeks later, I hope you’ll continue your progress and break your own barriers, your story is already so unique and beautiful it deserves one more chapter… #7 (#16) Vincent Nguyen snatches David's spot to get a career-high placement on the leaderboard with 2 PRs to his name this News Cycle, on… Rainbow Road wow who would've thought man gets the glitch with a 2:00.7 / 15.6, gets two WW Tops and cuts 1.5 AF, enough to bop David. Sometimes you just have to take the opportunity! #9 (#8) Bynt. is playing BCs right now, having already set a 2:31.4 on rBC, a 2:21.5 on BC Non-SC that came with a 6th WW Flap of 46.052, and is currently on BC Unrestricted as of early March, one PR that will be reviewed in the next update. He still lost a bit of AF tho, go improve your weakest tracks and you'll move up the charts man Mythical Karters (Top 25) #12 (#14) Zed R is back in action and smashes 2 AF out of his Non-SC timesheet to pass 2 Glitch WR holders, being Jack and Vincent N. He did so by beating his former DC, rWS and rBC PRs and I gotta give a shout-out to his DC because a 1:29.5 is already strong enough, when you pair it with a 28.172 Flap that's 4th WW it's even better. Nice job and good luck on reclaiming Top 10 if you decide to go for it! #14 (#43) MKRFirestone continues his breakthrough by setting 14 PRs for an 9.3 AF cut, passing 3 people. How far will he go? The highlight here this News Cycle is obviously his RR Glitch, as with his 2:04.3 he officially gets his first WW Top time outside of his Ace Track DC. Congrats, you're not a track specialist anymore! #18 (#35) Enzo Leussink Quack "Quacker" quack, quack quack quack quack, quack quack 20! (Enzo "Quacker" Leussink, #3 Dutch player has been blasting everyone away with countless PRs, entering Top 20!) Quack quack quack rGV2, rYF, rDH Glitch quack quack, quack quack RR Glitch quack 1:59.640, quack. (These include great times on rGV2, rYF, rDH Glitch and many more, highlight being RR Glitch with a 1:59.640, 3rd WW.) Quack quack Masters Tour quack, quack quack quack quack! (He's also been playing the Masters Tour this month, so expect some PRs from him in the next News Update!) #19 (#25) Phyzothy gets the most beautiful time ever: a 59.0 Sixty-Nine on MC Glitch. Sexy just like the man that set it, nothing in his timesheet comes even close to this masterpiece of a time and it deserves to be the highlight 100 times more than the 1:35.6 he got on rDH a few days earlier. Also he's smashing everyone on the AF rankings and actually got into Top 20 this last month of march, man is killing it #20 (N/A) Caleb House gains AF… but climbs 2 placements to get into the Top 20 man’s hacking the math! Or maybe it's just my 15 year-old parser that's playing tricks on me again. Even so, this strike comes from one track, being as you guessed it RR Glitch, with a 2:00.8 that's 5th WW as of writing this part GGs bro Legendary Karters (Top 50) #28 (#3) Luke Brown gets 5 PRs except these were on tracks he already was highly placed at, hence why he gained AF and moved down a placement. He probably tried the recently discovered rPG Flame Runner strats as the man with the most WRs ever got a 1:59.3 that's current 7th WW. What surprised me until March is that he hadn't gotten a WR for over 4 months, last one being early November on DKJP… However he supposedly heard my thinking, as UK's star player bounced back and started winning again with the 2 new WRs on KC and DKJP I talked about in the WR review. A late but good start for this year. #29 (#44) Mitchell Healy skyrockets by cutting 42 AF and 28 placements OKAY MAN CHILL it’s not a race, okay maybe it is but you’re giving me more work by going fast and I don’t like that!! Still that RR Glitch of 2:03.1 is fire for your AF cuts and what a rDKM Flap that 38.803 is it’s ranked 9th here. You completely crushed Top 50, how about you crush Top 20 next? #30 (#40) Shane Hogan Quack "Quack" quack, quack quack quack quack. (Shane "Quack" Hogan, #1 Irish player only got 2 PRs this News Cycle.) Quack quack rDH Glitch quack quack 1:34.133, quack. (One of them being on rDH Glitch where he got a time of 1:34.133, pretty good.) Quack quack quack Masters Tour quack quack, quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack “Quacker”! (He's been playing the Finale of my Master's Tour recently though, so he'll offer more next News Cycle. He also has some competition with “Quacker”!) #31 (#26) Kevin Miller got quite the PRs to push himself very close to Top 30 with a 10.8 AF cut, highlights being a God Standard of 33.2 on DDR Flap, the infamous 2:04 on rSL and a fast 2:11.8 on BC Shortcut, nice job for someone that “relies on flaps” lol #36 (#86) Ryley Carroll the good old H2O man improved on his strongest categories of MMM (1:16.3) but most importantly DKS with a stunning 1:47.753 that’s 12th on the PP, only but a few milliseconds short of the holy Regional Top being a 1:47.708 by WillCU. Good luck if you want to finish the job here Hydr8ion! #39 (#55) Jacob Fitzgibbon only played flaps, maybe it’s Arrow and not Chaos that relies on them after all! The rPB Glitch Flap WR Holder (what a status) almost got the 21.8 on LC Flap with a 21.902 and poured out a God Time of 3.369 on GV Glitch Flap, why isn’t Jayu writing this I’m sure he’s so proud of you #46 (N/A) Lawrence I hate writing this N/A for the Non-SC placement but I guess there’s no way you’re playing these categories so I’ll just accept it… Haha you thought go play the best category in the game that’s BC3 Non-SC Flap and I’ll forgive you! You already finished everything on Glitch, as told by your recent WW-Tops-earning Sub 50 on MC, so go have some fresh air and play something else without shortcuts for once… And no that 59.8 on rYF doesn’t count that’s not even a track that’s a lottery #47 (#91) Hunter Wells Got a WR this News Cycle although it kinda stayed as such for less time than it took for Germany to invade France in 1940. He only played RR Glitch, and lowered his time from his 2:07.1 WR to a 2:00.8 / 15.8, 7th WW / 7th American respectively as of writing this part. He can thus thank Justin for his 0.5 AF cut that allows him to stay in Top 50 at least for another News Cycle. Great job nonetheless Hunter! Royal Karters (Top 100) #53 (#82) Jacob Loerzel the DKJP King (get it, because it says “Royal” Karters… now laugh) loses a placement on both charts although he played 3 tracks, those being TF, rYF, and LC. That last one was for the Masters Tour Finale and he improved to a 1:09.426, that's one solid time… Also I notice the flap on TF uses the glitch btw nice job making it, and a 59.6 on rYF is really cool to have if you ask me considering how ridiculously annoying that fucking nightmare of a track can be. So congrats on your improvements! A bit sad that you got eliminated from the Masters Tour though, but it happens, you'll do better next time for sure #54 (#87) JAYOO this autistic bozo only played glitches so I won’t review any time of his that’s what you get for not playing the Chad categories!!!! Oh wait is that a 28.9 DC Flap I see in the distance omg it’s No-Glitch finally but still loses to me by a mile hehe get better bro I could maybe acknowledge that a 2:03/15.5 RR Glitch is cool, and these 1:34.1/27.8 rDH Glitch times are placed quite high… But is it really worth it if you really think about it, we all already know you’ve been cracked at glitches for a while now#55 (#62) Danny Boy gets a 1:49.669 on DKS that’s very cool and probably the highlight of his January, that would’ve been highlight of the News Cycle if it weren’t, obviously, for the RR Glitch again, where he got a 2:02/15.7. A good job that cuts 5 placements on the charts, and yes I completely went over his 2:06.6 KC Glitch improvement but he had made the glitch before already so it’s not a huge deal as he’s still 6th WW there (also I kinda don’t care about the category ngl 8 people have made the glitch in 2 years) #60 (#57) Claus works on his KC and gets the GOD standard on the flap with a 44.4, really cool although I admit I have better-placed flaps than this one and they’re like Legend A or something (the PP hates me, we gotta make new standards tho), plus a 2:20.3 on the 3lap is a great time to have as well, GL if you want to push for that lovely 2:19 man #62 (#72) Jyran Liebs cuts… 104 placements. Yes you read that right. This is what playing flaps gets you, Karters and Kartesses… And yeah it’s probably also updating all your times at once with the same date although they’re like 3 months old but I don’t care because it’s all flaps and they’re relevant! On top of all of these the Australian prodigy also gets a very respectable time on rSL, a 2:04.4, 2nd Oceania that could be on American Tops, along with a 39.8 flap that’s literally WW Tops GGs man you won the track #64 (#68) Ultra_Pear only gets 4 PRs for this News Update cuts 2 AF yet some guys climbed so many placements that he ended up losing a spot, even though these were 2 of those PRs were on his weaker tracks: rMR and TF. He got a nice improvement on the latter one for a 1:51.3 (beats me) but Raceway still eludes him as he only gets a 1:43.4, one of his only 4 categories ranked outside of Top 250 here. Sometimes you do things wrong and you don’t know why at all, trust me I’ve been there multiple times on several tracks… God I hate Waluigi Stadium #66 (#149) Intel Core hasn’t only gotten 4 WRs on RR Glitch this News Cycle, in fact the 2:01.9 on rDKM Shortcut I’m seeing is very strong and just like Danny he played KC Glitch to improve his time there to a 2:04.7. A very good month, although it would be nice to see you focus on the No-Glitch part of your timesheet, it’s weird to see all of these top glitch times all on WW Tops and just under it there’s a 1:43.9 on Raceway that’s barely Top 400 PP… #72 (#60) Michele Gallastri gets a time of 1:50.352 on TF! …Hold on. Oh shit that’s the script for October 2023 I just took there he hasn’t set this time yet apparently, he will on October 21st according to his timesheet #74 (#50) Alberto Barba doesn’t play much these days but still poured out a 1:22.4 on rSGB, Top 50 and Myth A standard, now the Flap should come along easily it’s free AF cuts considering it’s as high as 163rd on the PP. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get back to being #69 with it… #80 (#54) Will Marable is… A timesheeter? So high in the rankings? Welcome to the Top 100 already I guess #76 (#45) Mo No played DDR and MH 3laps, for a subbing 1:48.9, God standard, and a 1:43.6, Myth A and very close to EU Tops. Extremely solid. Please don't get EU Tops on Moonview tho I need to get them as well don't make the task harder for me!! #77 (#132) Nate Schultz invites himself in Top 80 by getting quite a few PRs in March, including, you know the drill, a RR glitch dual time of 2:06.8 / 16.6. I want to get this glitch myself so bad considering RR is one of my worst tracks but first I'd need to actually play the damn game… #85 (#63) Arthur'Oww oh hey that’s me I literally did nothing just a good 33.7 on DDR Flap and a micro-improvement on rPB Flap that’s it, more to come tho because I just passed my finals this month and I SHOULD be way less pressured and busy… Watch me not get a PR for the next News #90 (N/A) Idriz got his MG WR for this News Update very cool stuff and along with it in March there's another 6 PRs that made him climb 4 placements, you love to see it #93 (#42) Kasper got some pretty good 3laps in the retros, most notably a 2:17.9 on rBC3 and a beautiful 1:31.4 on rMC, just barely off of EU Tops, and cut a spot thanks to that, you love to see it again #97 (#100) Nara Hiero grinded the hell out of RR No-Glitch to pour out a 2:29.6 in the end, very cool time to have at this level (crying in 2:31.0) but it’s sadly not enough for Canada Tops because of, well, Flame Flyer being so much faster than its bike counterpart here. I guess you just gotta do the glitch to get tops… Wait hold on that was a joke I there's no way y- IS THAT A FUCKING 2:00.9 YOU'RE INSANE DUDE #98 (N/A) Starboi updates the timesheet and gets into Top 100, normally I’d say “omg congrats on cutting so much AF” but now when I see like 20+ times all from the same date I know by experience that the player just updated everything at the same time… Only took me a year to figure it out lol. Nevertheless those are some pretty great Glitch times for the most part, one in particular being that 1:14.8 on Parkway is very strong too so congrats and all of this makes you cut 83 placements as well, solid job Heroic Karters (Top 200) #103 (#61) Acquiesce da Non-SC Goat continues his Glitch-free career with a smol improvement on rWS 3lap to a 1:53.8, and a big improvement on both LC categories to a 1:09.3 / 21.7. Beautiful work that makes LC one of his better tracks. #105 (N/A) Franco gets quite the amount of PRs, putting him ever-so-slightly closer to the holy Top 100, a big milestone before attempting to surpass Alvin Le in AF and become #1 in Switzerland. Highlight of the News here is that he got the Glitch on Parkway with a 1:54.7 and 23.2 flap, it’s not an extraordinary Glitch time but I can’t imagine how much AF that made you cut… Oh and btw I completely forgot about it but sadly no one in the staff team has heard of that Lynn Mullis you were searching for #109 (#93) Chloie oh hey you weren’t even in Top 150 last time we saw you there what the hell happened, by looking at your timesheet it seems you just felt like improving half of it at the same time so congrats on doing so and cutting more AF than I could ever think of cutting today (46 AF), btw that 2:28 on RR looks dope on your timesheet #121 (#73) 2ndmatt just kicked my ass in the Masters Tour pools thanks you’re welcome but man also updated his timesheet to have all his current PRs as well and, what can I say? One thing: if you actually played flaps and not just rMC Flap you’d be like Top 30 on here, that actually matches your level and not this absurdly low #121 placement… #130 (#123) Cederic gets a million PRs, that is to say 22 according to the stats page, and cuts 21 placements. I won't go over all of them obviously but it's worth to point out the 1:09 on LC that went down in March after 2 years of potential for it, his first 2 Non-SC Myth times on rSGB and DDR Flaps, and the countless Top 100 times on Glitch categories such as MT, WGM or rGV2. A great start of the year that can only lead to further progress in the coming months, we'll see where all of this takes you Cederic… #133 (#127) James Collins mainly improves his weaker categories this News Cycle, then suddenly said he was TTing Moonview and that’s when it got interesting because man wants to sub 1:44, on the damn Spear Auto ladies and gentlemen. This man is crazy. And he wants to beat my Flame Runner time as well this man is double crazy. And he also just disappeared from the track as fast as he came on it after setting a 1:44.016 this man is triple crazy how come you stop when you’re so close to the sub you stoopid!!! If I don’t see the 1:43 next Update you’re getting the super-rare @stupid role in the TT server #137 (#108) Flooferdog got a single PB of 1:16.7 on MMM, that's decent so I don't see how you lost 7 placements with it that's rough #138 (#103) Ben Hurley how come you improve a quarter of your timesheet just to cut less AF than Carlo with 2 PRs stop making the math smoke weed it's bad for your ranking!! I feel like I'm biased but I like the 1:45.293 on Moonview, you beat one of my old times here by 6ms lmao. Great job Mr. 125 Autism Score and thank you for updating as always #155 (#166) Rheece Wachow gets 5 PRs, cuts 4 AF but loses a spot on the charts, okay parser, he did get a few decent ones tho such as a 28.9 DC Flap that probably subbed as well as a 22.200 GV glitch that's Top 200 nice numbers lol #157 (#116) Mystogan gets a few PRs to climb 5 spots, most important one being RR Glitch: although he did get a WW Top with a 2:02.2, the real deal comes with the Flap as his 15.066 is, as I said in the intro, the current WR and his first Flap WR if my memory serves me right. Nice job from the 200cc specialist. #165 (#178) Carlo literally only played RR but still cut 10 placements, that's how much this thing helps your AF. And a 2:01.0 / 15.3 double WW Top time accentuates that… #171 (#125) Supreme gets a few PRs that apparently were on categories he was already good at because he almost gained 4 AF. Those include mainly MC Glitch for a 1:02.0 almost getting his first Top 50 time, and BC3 for a 2:18.4 that’s solid as well, sadly to cut AF you have to pass more people than that! #184 (#85) Kenneth Bernales strikes again as the Non-SC purist! Who would’ve thought you could find someone so low on the leaderboard with a 1:41.9 on MG Non-SC? It even came with a Flap of 31.417, currently 11th on the site and 6th American, how cool is that #193 (#80) Fraterz the BC expert finishes his timesheet! Welcome to the leaderboard! #199 (#147) Ben Brophy barely stays in Top 200 after a pretty inactive start to 2023, only 3 PRs and a 4 AF gain. He did manage to get a pretty good 53.701 on GV2 No-Glitch, so that’s not too bad of an update for the βτ mascot! Advanced Karters (Top 300) #201 (N/A) Falco gets a very cool, subbing improvement of 1:48.978 on rWS and gets closer and closer to WW Tops, your journey here has been quite nice to witness, now finish the job and go get those Tops you deserve them! #207 (#156) Ryan Lynch Improved quite a lot with 19 PRs and a 27 AF cut and is now a Top 200 contender, productive. I cannot pass over his profile without mentioning one new time he got though, and that’s his unexpected 33.242 on Moonview Flap, his first Myth time as it’s Myth C, his first Top 50 time as it’s 37th and a surprising flap considering he doesn’t even have a 1:44 yet. It even beats me on my favorite track, what sorcery is that?? #208 (N/A) Blake Germany AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THE 1:44 IS REAL BABY LET’S GO and that’s basically it for Blake this month lmao. Still a brillant month if you ask me, you go Mr. DKS #212 (N/A) Sam Fairless got a few Top-Tier Glitch PRs on tracks such as MG, CM or rSGB, and of course the mandatory RR time. I do note that we witnessed an attempt at improving some Combined times like LC or MMM, it’s not that much but it’s surely honest work, so congrats on that. #213 (#154) Xenophanes continued being quiet as in the last News Cycle as he got 4 PRs, only one of which counts in his combined timesheet. It’s the best out of the 4 though as it’s a 1:51.5 on TF, pretty good for his standards. Keep it up, slowly but surely! #226 (#182) Peyton Gunn makes a good move this News Cycle with a 37 AF cut and 24 PRs such as 36.9 CM Glitch, 2:06.3 rSL No-Glitch or 2:08.3 rDKM Shortcut, I can see you’re making progress and are getting better and better at the game so continue on this momentum! #227 (#119) Pabloski has had improvements on many 3laps during the only month he played, January, with times on DC (1:30.4), rYF (59.9), rDS (2:06.4) or rBC (2:32.5), and most notably KC where he got a 2:20.8 that’s his best ranked time on all of his Combined timesheet at 67th and still very good for his Non-SC charts. If only you played flaps a bit more seriously… #228 (#138) Luca R has a very contrasted timesheet as you can see a 2:22.001 on MT Non-SC then a few lines above a… 1:50.2 on TF okay I don’t even have that on my timesheet, not to mention a crazy 2:17.4 on BC3, Non-SC! I sense potential but I also sense laziness or lack of interest for other tracks because if you can get these times on these tracks then you certainly can get similar times on other tracks, so get to work and you’ll climb the ranks faster than I’m writing this News Update… Oh wait no I didn’t mean you’ll take forever #231 (#114) Brian Lai got one PB on January 1st then vanished in college. It’s pretty good though, I’d love to have a 1:52.5 on rWS for my timesheet… #233 (#167) ElecTrick gets many PRs and cuts many spots as always, after playing in the Masters Tour Finale the next milestone will be the Top 200! I can highlight some progress here, most notably some work on MG for a 1:43.7, MC for a 1:22.7, GV for a 1:54.999 (nice digits) and the pinnacle of these 3 months for the Irish wheeler will surely be his BC time he set… For the Masters Tour lmao again, that beats me by 3 milliseconds. I would still be ahead if my nunchuck didn’t feel the urge to act French and go on strike for the last geyser trick!! Nevertheless it’s a pretty good start of 2023 that notes the progress you’ve made, so keep it up man! #240 (#152) Spencer Sassak was almost completely ignored by the parser because it says he got 3 Combined PRs when he actually got twice as many, the thing is too old to count now. From what’s fresh and new on this timesheet I note a 2:14.3 on Parkway that’s pretty solid and a probably-subbing 2:29.6 on RR nice job on the big sub! I’d love to get that sub myself but the track has been giving me a middle finger for 2 years now #241 (#180) Zyxis cuts 25 AF and 22 placements to enter Top 250 for the first time! The main source of this cut is probably that 2:01.2 / 38.7 on BC3 Shortcut, both are almost Top 100 times so it’s pretty cool to have that when you’re in that part of the leaderboard… #254 (#148) Jesse Jay gets 25 PRs to boost her from outside of Top 300 to barely not Top 250, a 54 placement jump that’s huge! Some of these times really shine on your timesheet, like this 1:53.000 / 36.1 on WGM (RIP sub), that 1:22.4 on MC or even the little 33.988 DDR Flap that’s Top 100. Enjoy your PR-farming days, I know from experience that once they’re gone it becomes so much harder to move on the rankings… #270 (#169) Ragemodepigeon is really sexy, that’s totally my opinion he didn’t ask me to write this I swear! Okay maybe he did but it’s forgiven with that insane 36.065 on GV Non-SC Flap that’s Top 20 on the PP, his best time by far and his first European Flap Tops you love to see it! It even came with a decent 1:54.7 3lap so what else could we possibly ask for… maybe a double PB on GV2 of 53.6 / 16.6, double Legend standard? Yeah that seems reasonnable #278 (#199) Dylan Lepeirtz finishes his timesheet and enters the AF charts! Happy Karting! #281 (#202) Elias only got one PB since the New Year but it’s a good one, the holy 69 seconds on LC have been achieved with a 1:09.951, you can now officially sit at the cool kids’ table at lunch! #292 (#201) Mel Luna also finishes her timesheet and gets placed in Top 300, good luck climbing up the ranks! #294 (#190) Ivo Bril enters Top 200 in the Non-SC charts, but most importantly, after being "close to hitting it" for months, finally, he entered Top 300! Congrats, your work finally paid off! Continuing his journey through all tracks in order, he’s been done with the Star Cup this News Cycle, where he just got his first ever No-Glitch Top 100 time with a 36.7 Flap on GV. The first of many, I hope! He then logically started the Special cup with PRs on DDR and MH, which granted him the AF cut he needed for the Top 300. All I can say is, onwards! You still have half of the tracks to play, I wonder where you'll place once you'll be done… #299 (#209) Silicosis finishes his timesheet, have a good time cutting AF! I would’ve sworn I already wrote something for you here but apparently not, I probably take too long between updates to remember what I said in the last one lmao Karters in the Making (300+) #303 (#224) Graden falls back under Top 300 due to only setting one PR since the New Year, what slacking does to your AF… #313 (#210) Loocs gets back to the game for the first time in almost a year after posting his entire timesheet in April last year, with 2 new records on LC and DKS, the better one by far being DKS with a 1:53 that’s quite good for someone that hasn’t played in a year tbh #318 (#232) Will Fury gets a few PRs to cut a bit of AF and climb 3 placements, I have to highlight the GV2 No-Glitch here because seeing a 16.6, Top 100 Flap on here is really rare, so congrats on that! #330 (#221) Ncsr. has definitely abandoned the “half retired” status because he set 23 PBs this News Cycle to pass 14 people. One thing catches my attention though, his newly-set rDS time is 666th on the site… No way this comeback was caused by some evil spirit, right?? #347 (#218) Momo Y.F set a single PB so far in 2023, a 1:30.8 on DC. Not bad, I know some people higher on the charts that have a worse time than that… #353 (#212) Zevohno gets the exact same start for 2023, a single PB but a good one, this time on MT with a 2:19.9. Again I know quite a few people ranked higher here that lose to this time… *cough*me*cough* #356 (#203) Pablo Hernangómez what are these PBs doing here? A 1:51.2 on WGM, 28.4 on DC Flap, 53.3 on GV2 and 1:31.8 on rMC, yet you’re not even Top 350? I lose to all of those. Please improve on the other tracks so you can have a ranking that suits your level thank you #388 (#269) Emil Lönquist installed himself further in Top 400 by cutting 12 placements with 14 PRs, almost all in Non-SC in which he struggles a bit more compared to glitches. Good driving comes with practice, so keep it up! #395 (N/A) Ryan Billingham how have you been since New Year? …Oh wait that’s New Year but 2013. Even with 10 years of inactivity people really don’t quit this game. He comes back with a time of… 1:35.7 on rDH Non-SC OKAY that contrasts with your timesheet so much but considering you hit a 1:09.7 on LC in 2009 I guess it was to expect. I’ll say, what a way of getting your first PR of the 2020s… #402 (#242) Princessje11ybean improves on MG Glitch for the millionth time and also gets some other PRs to contend for a Top 400 placement by the next News Update. LC is not “super shit” by the way, just learn how to play with the Spear and it’ll actually be a good track that only gets infuriating once you’re at a level where wheelie cuts matter #406 (#245) .VDix apparently wanted to have a french “Ten” in his name, probably because he’s a 10/10 or "Dix sur Dix" as I say as a baguette man. I can’t really judge his times since they’re on Kart and 95% of all times here are with Bikes but I do note the improvement on RR No-Glitch Flap to a 48.0, 15th PP and barely not God standard, that’s the only spotlight Kart mains get here so I’ll work with that #429 (#277) Leila FalB Massanova got many PRs to cut 38 AF and 24 spots, the highlight of which being making the glitch on rDKM to get a 2:11.5 / 41.5, the Flap being one of the few categories she got Top 200 on. But I can’t go over a timesheet without looking at the Non-SC times and tbh that 1:53 on TF is pretty nice for your standards, good job on that one #440 (#266) Chansey cuts exactly 10 spots after a peak of activity, 21 PRs that’s not quite what I would call stall but I’ve seen similar non-stall builds of you before so I’m not surprised and definitely not complaining. As always you’re super effective on Glitch categories with great times on CM Flap or both GV categories, but you’ve been hard at work with your 4x weakness that’s Non-SC and I appreciate that, now go finish your training for today and I’ll give you an oran berry #511 (N/A) Russell Horwood is another one of these come-back men, last seen in August 2018 but comes back with a single PR! This time it’s on rSGB Non-SC (bet you didn’t know Glitch was a thing here) Flap with a 27.0, nothing too special but it’s better than nothing as we say #516 (#276) Snape Skin comes back to the game after a full year to submit 2 PRs he got in January on both rYF categories, a 1:01.6 / 18.9. Pretty weird to choose this track of all tracks to return to the game but I respect your choices… Nevermind I can’t rYF is too much of a nightmare for me #533 (#280) Ashley Taylor gets 8 PRs and cuts 15 placements, but what’s most important is that his rMR 3lap is exactly 1000th, how cool is that? Well it’s not cool for AF and it’s not even a time he got this News Cycle but still #556 (#285) Ruben Cauchon is a timesheeter for this News Cycle, welcome on the rankings! #677 (#329) Lowercase you have to appreciate the fact that the man himself actually played well this News Cycle. He focused on his favorite track BC and improved to as low as a 2:25.1 (!!) with a 48.0 (!!!) Flap, both being his best ranked times by far. And all of this is technically due to… me, partially, with the January Event of the Masters Tour being on BC. Still, it’s his work, his passion and his skills that led to this time, so I want everyone out here to type “congrats Lowercase” in every #general of every MK server he’s in. As for me I’ll just do it here, congrats on the time Lowercase! #731 (#377) Justin JJ Morris gets 12 PRs to cut little AF but that’s so hard in this part of the leaderboard that it’s worth mentioning it. I still see a few Newbie standard times on your timesheet, I’d recommend you to try and improve these first since they’ll logically be your main source of AF cuts, and also because it’s a bit rough to see Newbie standard times on a timesheet tbh #756 (N/A) Bobby Yu is our last active player for this update, fun fact I’m writing the leaderboard last so that means I’m finished, I’m writing this on a Google Doc with Verdana font size 15 and the document is fucking 44 pages long my hands hurt. But let’s speak of Bobby because it’s actually his part in case you forgot, man improved his rBC and subbed 1 minute congrats on getting this milestone! …I probably got some people there because I meant on Flap. It’s always good to see your Flap timesheet complete with times of under a minute… And there you have it, that's all the activity for the first 3 months of 2023! A good start, that shows our game still lives brightly even almost 15 years after its release… That will be this month in April by the way. The future of this game is in good hands, I'm sure of it. That's all for me, this News was tough to make to be honest, but I'm satisfied with the result and I hope you enjoyed it too! As always, have a wonderful day, thanks for reading, and see you later, Karters and Kartesses! Happy Karting! Take a closer look at this month’s Site Records: Idriz beat the old Mushroom Gorge crs time of 0'20"036 with a time of: 0'19"758 Keita beat the old Mario Circuit crs time of 0'47"715 with a time of: 0'47"583 Blake Germany beat the old DK's Snowboard Cross crs time of 1'45"210 with a time of: 1'44"599 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Wario's Gold Mine crs time of 0'31"850 with a time of: 0'31"756 Lawrence beat the old Koopa Cape crs time of 1'58"854 with a time of: 1'56"471 Lawrence beat the old Koopa Cape lap time of 0'17"397 with a time of: 0'16"262 Jyran Liebs beat the old Grumble Volcano crs time of 0'15"673 with a time of: 0'15"497 Emil Parappuram beat the old Bowser's Castle crs time of 2'08"951 with a time of: 2'08"697 Exploder beat the old Rainbow Road crs time of 2'10"051 with a time of: 1'56"690 Mystogan beat the old Rainbow Road lap time of 0'21"017 with a time of: 0'15"066 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old GCN Mario Circuit crs time of 1'30"272 with a time of: 1'30"224 No-Glitch: LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Toad's Factory crs time of 1'49"156 with a time of: 1'49"074 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Wario's Gold Mine crs time of 1'49"965 with a time of: 1'49"934 Luke Brown beat the old Koopa Cape crs time of 2'17"304 with a time of: 2'17"219 LOGAN KEBABBY beat the old Grumble Volcano crs time of 1'51"309 with a time of: 1'51"289 Shawn Berry beat the old Bowser's Castle crs time of 2'20"359 with a time of: 2'20"265 Justin Hitchcock beat the old GCN Peach Beach lap time of 0'22"369 with a time of: 0'22"360 Vincent Braixen beat the old DS Desert Hills crs time of 1'34"397 with a time of: 1'34"381 Luke Brown beat the old N64 DK's Jungle Parkway crs time of 2'10"645 with a time of: 2'10"572 PLAYER AWARDS: Player of the Week: - January 1: Blake Germany - January 2: Arvo Koskikallio - January 3: Falco - January 4: Idriz - February 1: Intel Core - February 2: Martin Fox - February 3: Logan KEBABBY - February 4: Sergio - March 1: Emil Parappuram - March 2: Exploder - March 3: Zed R - March 4: Vincent Braixen Player of the Month: - January: Jyran Liebs - February: MKRFirestone - March: Mitchell Healy Player of the Quarter (January-March): Justin Hitchcock Player of the Year: Jack Gluesing MEME OF THE MONTH:  - Arthur'Oww, that one Moonview-obsessed frenchie |