Karel's bit:

Well, this is Karel. I should make the disclaimer that the last few sentences were subject to a regrettable mix-up. Our beloved Karty organiser Dan Hoernemann was actually describing a typical day in the life of a certain Guillaume Leviach. Oh well, such mistakes come with the territory of severe illegal substance abuse. So let us take Dan’s example as a warning children: drugs are bad for you!

Let’s go on with the karty for most unbeatable WR of 2012. I forgot if this should be divided into PAL and NTSC categories or if both categories are pooled to decide one overall winner. Dammit where is my Karty program flyer? Oh that’s right, Dan was too lazy to make one…Well I’ll just wing it then. “And the winner in the category the most unbeatable WR of the year is….*drums rolling, pins dropping, jaws flooring…Pierre L’Hoëst’s GV3 5-lap WR of 1’12”84* on NTSC!!” 2012 has actually been a very rich year in terms of Non-NBT WR’s, so it was hard to pick just one. Other WR’s that were definitely in contention were Sebastian Stellmacher’s PAL WR’s for GV1 & CI1 5-lap and DP2 flap, as well as Pierre’s own barrier breaking CI2 flap on NTSC. But I had to go for one and GV3 it was. Simon’s previous WR of 1’12”87 has long been the symbol of its owners Non-NBT resistance versus the influence of the Dark Side of zigzag boosting. Even when some of the top karters were already performing NBT’s on this track, it still went unbeaten for several years. It is a credit to Pierre that he managed to better this historical performance and I know from a reliable source that it took him quite the monumental amount of effort. Take good care of the Karty Pierre, one that you should have won last year already, actually.

*Pierre accepts award, but turns out to be mute or a mime…
*KVD is about to leave the stage…
*Ear piece is blurting something about me still having to roast some Brazilian…

Ah right! The roast of Guilherme….Well I haven’t prepared anything, but roasting that guy is remarkably easy. Actually where is he sitting tonight? I need to check if my wallet is still in my pocket if there are Brazilians in the venue tonight.
Well Guilherme is what we could call “special”. Or let’s say he was “differentially advantaged” by Mother Nature. He’s the special kind of karter that even fails at retiring…I mean, there are not many things that are easier to pull off than NOT playing the game, NOT setting PR’s and NOT submitting PR’s. Maybe Guilherme’s next challenge ought to be if he can remain in possession of a SNES. It should be even easier, as all it would entail is not selling it, right?…or actually…scratch that, I forgot that he lives in Brazil, so it could actually prove very challenging to keep it, considering it might very well get stolen. Well, whatever, on with the next award, have a nice evening you guys!

Joe's bit:

Thanks, fellas. Man, it’s such an honor to be in the presence of such fake greatness like Karel Van Duiwjijiwdben, Dan Hoernoeeneonman, and Guileleerreneme Arantes… What grace. What poise. What… the hell have we done with our lives? We all spent a great deal of our time playing a video game that came out in 1992. Had we devoted that time to, I don’t know, learning a life skill, maybe we’d all be better off. But I digress…

Dan Hoernemann isn’t just skilled in SMK, no no. He has many other useless skills, too! He plays disc golf, which is sort of like real professional golf, only you’re not on TV, you don’t have endorsement deals, you don’t make any money, and girls don’t want to sleep with you. Other than that, it’s exactly the same… Oh, he also trained to be an MMA fighter! That lasted for a little while, but when he realized that after he spent all that time training the only accomplishment he had to show for it was when he choked me out at my house a few years back, he quit. Not shocking…

Karel Van Duijvenboden has a name that no one in the United States can pronounce. I don’t even think I have to joke about how much time he’s spent wasting away the best years of his 20s on SMK. I mean, the guy is(was) the best in the world in two different versions of the same game…

Pierre L’Hoest has a name that no one in the United States can pronounce. I don’t even have to joke about how much time he’s spent wasting away the best years of his 20s…

Sami Cetin has a name that no one… Alright, I won’t reuse the same joke three times. But seriously, what’s with all these people with weird fucking names? I mean, Pierre is common and everyone knows how to say that, but any name that has an apostrophe in it is basically the equivalent of a middle finger to anyone who isn’t French. And Cetin? What’s with the little squiggly line under the C, dude? Chetin? If you wanted it to be pronounced Chetin, spell it “Chetin.” Don’t assume that everyone will know to say Chetin just by adding a stupid squiggly line under the C. However, if you must have the squiggly line, I have an idea: put a squiggly line next to the C in the shape of an “h.” You’re welcome.

I see Chris Clark is here. Uh oh... Clark is the message board’s version of your creepy uncle who talks about wanking in an English accent. Let me sum up all of Clark’s posts:
“SMK roast? More like SMK most amount of Clarkjuice shot out of my window…”
Although I must admit that your best one was “Alaktorn? More like Alakto move it, move it.” That is pure genius.

How could we have a roast and NOT roast my man, Terrence Fenner. T-man has taken A LOT of shit (for good reason) for the better part of a decade. So why stop now?! Fenner claims to have a country record over me, but the only record he has is his vinyl copy of Thriller that he plays over and over again while setting fake PRs and putting them onto the message board for us to laugh at. We’re all super impressed that you were able to turn on Zsnes, use save states to have a flawless race and “compete” with the big boys. No, really. Keep doing it. Everyone loves someone who doesn’t shut the fuck up.

Aaaaaaand now, the man of the hour: Guilherme Arantes. Hey buddy! I have to admit that the only things I knew about Brazilians were their super hot supermodels and soccer players, but after seeing wayyyy too many pictures of Guilherme without a shirt on, I now know that obviously he is neither. Lesson learned. Oh, and a modest proposal: wear a shirt. They’re quite comfortable. Just don’t wear a Tapout or Affliction shirt, because then I’d have to question your sexuality. Not that I don’t already question your sexuality, because something happened between you and Mario86 while you were in Europe, and I don’t want find out what it was. I’ll just guess that it probably stung a little bit. Oh, Blanka from Street Fighter II was from Brazil… so that’s another thing I know about a giant country with absolutely nothing in it.

This concludes my portion of jokes. Somebody tell Terrence Fenner to go away.

Clark's bit:

Well im still confused, so I guess I start off by roasting myself? Well in order to do that, I slather myself in olive oil, roll around in my world renowned pile of pepper, then go and jump in Joes ass. Because its HOT. Am I doing this right?

Doesnt seem like it. So il just do what the others are doing, and take the Mickey Mouse out of prominent karters. Il start with Sami. Sami, the guy who has an unnatural obsession with teenage girls. (who can blame him, i see the potential aswell dude) He knows he should be leaving Leyla to go and do drugs, and wear short skirts to impress the boys, and somehow not be cold when leaving a club in the middle of December like all other teenagers do (did?), but he doesnt. Instead he bugs her and bugs her to play more and more SMK, to the point where she now has no friends other than Stinson. Let her go man, let her go.

I would start on GAS, but I cant. The guy is too awesomely cool. The only way he could be made any better would be if he dressed like Leyla should. Though id be having to defend him against a horny Mario86 who just seems determined to ruin his marriage with a long distance gay affair. No need to do that man. Youve got Tif in the same country.

I will however have a moan about Aron Langerak. Being a hilarious stereotype of all things Dutch aside, learn to fucking grammar dude. You look like a 5 year old boy let loose on the internet for the first time. Less of the 'WTF!! Awesome man!! OMG!' and more of something along the lines of 'I say, that time is really rather good. Tally Ho'.

Joe seems to think I over use more like jokes. Joe Bernier more like I Bought my Wife for $50 at www.rejected-asian-housewives.org. Joe Bernier more like I Moved to California to be Openly Gay and my Relationship is Just for Show. Joe Bernier more like I Now have AIDS but Im not sure where from. No, I dont think I do at all.

So Dan said I should do an acceptance speech for the essay on speed shitting I did. I wont do that, I will however fix a glaring omission. I forgot to add that an essential part of any speed shitters kit is moist toilet tissue. This aids in clean and speedy wiping. It also cuts down on the number of sheets you use per shit. On a good day I use 2, on a bad day 4 or 5. You get a sparkling clean sphincter, AND you save the enviroment. Whats not to love? Oh, and thanks for the karty. Im gonna need a new shelf.

A few short words on some others to finish. Duff, have a shower/shave/shopping spree. Moll, stop being so mean to Harvey, it takes work to maintain his physique. Fenner, buy some boot polish. You are in no way living up to my expectations of what being black should be.

Spiffing.

Guilherme fires back:

"Ok ok, jokes about brazilians stealing things are overused. It's like saying americans are fat, the british have crappy teeth and the french don't shower. So I won't even address those jokes.

I'll start off with Dan. I heard he is coaching a Football team (football? Ok I'll call it football, but just for this time...). I guess that's his secret way of seeing dozens of naked men on a changing room without feeling bad about himself. I'd be afraid If I were one of his players. Having a coach named Dan Horny-man watching you naked saying "C'mon I want you to give me all you have" is very VERY embarrassing (to say the least).

It is gonna be hard to make jokes regarding Joe Berni-yay. It was already said he love balls, all sizes included. It was said he got his girlfriend from a website. He moved to the West Coast because he wanted to go to the beach. Cause you know, the only beach he's ever been to has jumping piranhas and a "random shoreline" as he used to say himself. He's never been to the beach and still thought he was the King of the Beach. So much bullshit. That's like Harvey saying he's the King of the Strip Clubs. By the way, the "thing" that happened between Mario86 and me is not any different from your bromance with Clark. Also I just realized there's an anagram with your initials that illustrate very well your relationship with Clark.

Clark, oh Clark. Enough with the kind words, you won't get me laid. You had your chance when we slept at the same room for CDM09, but I guess you were too drunk. Now I question myself how many times did that happen. Maybe that's why you did well on TT, even though you were drunk. Drink a lot, go out there and do your work as fast as possible. Quick Clark for the win. Also, you brag about being a professional ass cleaner. That seems to be very handy, since that place is a very busy one. And you are a Watford Fan. C'mon man, that's as relevant as Fenner's posts.

I wish we had drug tests for karters. Because then I would have been the NTSC champion for some time. The #1 guy was a Dutch. It's obvious he was karting under the influence of something. Yeah, I'm talking about you Karel. Karel van Duijvenjoint. The guy who studies molecular biology so he knows how to handle microscopic things. A very useful skill when you have a microscopic, oh, never mind.

Well, I was expecting more people to try and roast me but I gotta say you guys failed. I know Guillaume couldn't make it cause he had his hands full. He's been very busy trying to get a replacement for his BR lover. You won't find any bro.

Thank you all for inflating my ego (that's what left to be inflated), and better luck next time."

Awesome...hilarious...witty!  
Dat Clark!  

What do you mean? It's already here on the MB. It's not going anywhere else I believe..

Antistar wrote on 08/11/13 at 13:27:30:


You're giving yourself far too much credit. May I subtly remind you of the fact that you are sharing this board with MVT, Terrence "T-Dawg" Fenner and Flo Valandina?

Nevertheless, I should take some time to add the Karties on non-NBT site one day...